How would you feel if i just knocked on your door?? "Hi, I found you!!"?

Question

I have been searching for my fathers birth family (my father passed away), and with the help of another YA user (thanks laurie!!) i have a address for my dads brother (they were placed together in the same family, but no one has heard from him in over 30 years), he lives less than 10min away from me. What should i do? Should i write a letter? Should i knock on his door? What if he stayed away for a reason, and has NO intention what-so-ever to re-connect? In Your opinion what step should i take now??

Answer 1

yes go to his door-right now girl-NOW, confront him, find out whats really happenin and get with your family!!!!!~

Answer 2

I would write a letter. I don't think it's fair to just go knock on somone's door. A letter gives him the opportunity to process what is happening and then contact you if he chooses to.

Answer 3

maybe call him. then he can be alone while he gets his head together, im sure that would be a huge surprise for someone.

Answer 4

I would call or write first. He might have a heart attack if you just showed up. Plus, maybe he has a new family now. Giving him time to prepare his family for your arrival would be the right thing to do.

Answer 5

I would knock on his door. Take someone with you and leave your children with someone else. But knock on his door and take pictures. Good luck!

Answer 6

I would call.  My mother (an adoptee) did just that when searching for her birthmother.

What's the worst that could happen, that he doesn't want to re-connect?  But what if he does?

Don't expect to much from him initially, he'll probably be in shock.

I wish you the best of luck!!

ETA:  Just saw your update -- Then I would suggest going over.

Answer 7

Sara....he's your adoptive uncle, not birth uncle, right?  You have the right to free association even if this were a birth relative we were discussing, so "rights" aren't and issue.   Just wanting to verify if this is an adoptive relative.  If so, people may have different views on it.

Anyway...hey, I'd be thrilled if any relative, birth or adoptive, contacted me in any way.  Do what's ultimately comfortable to you, but if it were I, I'd have no problem going to visit.  

The circumstances surrounding the adoption may have been very difficult for him, leading him to stay away from the family.  But, he may be in contact with his birth family, which of course would  be your dad's  birth family, as well.  You never know.

EDIT:

We had already gone the Zabasearch route, but he wasn't there.  Ended up having to use a paid service which yielded and address, but no phone number.

Answer 8

Try writing a letter to first and then go from there, you don't want to be too forward and scare any chance away of getting closer.

Answer 9

If you can construct a well written letter ( which some people can not) I would consider this as a first step. In this letter you can explain your intentions. Does he know that your father has passed away? You may inform him of this. Do you have a phone number for you that you could include in this letter? That would put the ball in his court. Do you have any pictures of your father that you could offer to your uncle. He may be receptive to that. I think I would give him time by writing a letter, to let it all sink in just in case he needs it. He will be able to tell by your phone number with area code how close you are. I think I would send it return receipt just so you know that it was delivered.

Answer 10

Maybe not just show up might be akward, but deff write a letter (you will be able to express yourself a bit more then face to face) and see what kind of respose you get! Good luck!

Answer 11

Since you aren't "mine" I wouldn't mind it. I would spend time answering your questions and help you with family medical stuff. You'd be welcomed as a close friend. I couldn't promise you that you'd be accepted as a nephew though.

I would say "Hi, Im Joe's son." NOT "Hi I found you" That sounds like you work for the IRS or FBI or something.

Answer 12

go to his house. and if ur scared. write a letter.

what ever you do...DONT do nothing. you would always have that "shoulda, coulda, woulda...done this" in ur head...

GOOD LUCK! u will be fine :)

Answer 13

be an adult and hope he can  knock on the door

Answer 14

I really like amosunknown's approach.

However,  I would write a letter first.  Maybe if it's one of those neighborhoods that have mailboxes at the end of the driveway, you can hand deliver it to be sure he receives it.

Be safe!  If you do go face-to-face, be sure someone knows you're going at the least - or, if possible, bring someone with you.  If you write a letter, put a contact phone number and a mailing address - if possible, not your physical address, especially if you live alone - on the letter.

I'm sorry to be harsh - but you never know what kind of people are out there, even if they are related to you.

EDIT: I also agree with the people more recently replying.

Is there any way you can look up his name in the phone book?  If you know a bit of the last name, looks like you could try to find a phone number here... http://dexknows.whitepages.com/

Answer 15

If no one has heard from him for that many years chances are he wants nothing to do with his family. However, It is your choise to try to contact him. I would write a letter or call first. Have you talked to other family members or a close friend about this. If you have maybe you could use their phone to call him. That way you won't be alone if it doesn't go well. If not write a letter see if he responds. Going to his door is taking a big risk of getting your heart broke. I'm sure he has his reasons for not being in touch with his family and you have to respect that. Think positive, but be prepared for the worst, it's all you can do. If he doesn't want to know you don't for one minute think that it is your fault. Some just don't want to re-connect. Just know in your heart that you tried. God bless you and good luck

Answer 16

I was adopted and I have not met any of my birth family. I would be concerned if someone showed up on my doorstep claiming to be a relative. This could be a huge shock to him and as you dont know him, you dont know how he will react to the news.

Your birth Uncle may not want contact so it may be best to write to him , explain who you are and ask if you could visit.

I think you should emphasise that you want nothing but to know him.Please meet in a public area.

Good luck and I hope it turns out the way you want. You may have to set another place at the christmas table.

Answer 17

just take a step in the right direction... actually call him one day and set up a day to visit in a place that you are very conftorble with. be honost. it will be eaiser that way

Answer 18

jeez! your to worried! just go to his house knock on his door and say hi grandpa!

Answer 19

Try calling him first.

Answer 20

Ecstatic, absolutely thrilled if any member of my family knocked on my door!

I don't know if I would knock on somebody's door though, I might be a little more discreet, but I would still make contact in some way.

A letter or email or even a phone call would be an ideal first contact

Please let us know how it goes!

Answer 21

Well if he hasnt even tryed contacting anyone in over 30 years, chances are theres a reason for it. I would write a letter before just showing up at his door.

Answer 22

To me no issue, vendetta or pain is bigger than family. Whatever his issues are with his brother, or his brothers family, he cant expect you to have been the cause or the one who's being ousted.

If it were me, I would probably knock on his door.

Maybe just tell him that you dont want to pressure him, but you want your children (or just yourself) to have a relationship with him as an uncle. Even if its just enough to say hello when you pass eachother on the street. And then leave.

Nothing thats going to pressure him in. Just give him a hug, shake his hand, tell him you want to love him as part of the family, and then leave it at that.

Answer 23

Leave them alone. If they wanted to see you, they would have found you.

That's my first thought, but who knows, if you do go to his house, I'd just be prepared for the worse in case you are let down. I hear all the time from adoptees or people who've heard of stories where they wish they never ever found their relatives.

Good Luck!!

Answer 24

have you thought he may feel the same way!! there is nothing more awkward than family's! i thought about looking for some of my family, but knowing the rest of my family don't feel the same way, it catch 22. follow your heart.

Answer 25

Just go to the door the worst he can do is shut-it.

Answer 26

send a letter and if sombody replies goto there house

Answer 27

go see him even if he doesnt want to see you at lest you can say you tryed

Answer 28

Any of the suggestions you made would be fine... just take the first step however you feel most comfortable with.

I hope you find the answers you're looking for...

My father was adopted and I always wonder about the other family but I cannot seem to get any information at all...

Answer 29

I'd write a letter saying w/e it is you wanna say. then put if you wan't to talk to me heres my number.. see what happends

Answer 30

just go over there

Answer 31

Just go knock on the door?  Are you crazy?!  I would never go to a total stranger's house, knock on the door, and then what?  Go inside if invited in?  What if he becomes angry and violent or is criminally insane?  You simply have to think a bit more about your personal safety!

And, how would you feel if someone caught you in an important moment...and you are...uh...in your robe and bunny slippers, baby just urped on your shoulder, toaster just burned the toast and the smoke alarm is sounding--or--you're just leaving the house for a job interview.  Just showing up at someone's house is rude--even if you have momentous news!

Write a short to-the-point letter.  Send it registered mail so you know that it actually gets there.   Mention your desire to meet.  Set a date and time...in a public place.