How would you feel in this situation?

Question

if your boyfriend of 4 years talked with a female friend (that he supposedly knew for about a year before you both met) in ways that make you uncomfortable? By this I mean she will call him pet names such as "honey" or using his full first name which not many are allowed to do. My boyfriend and I do not even use pet names. It would be way awkward for me to call him any of those names. One time I went out to dinner with this girl and his male friend that I am too fond of either. I need to explain the situation before I continue any further. I am not allowed to talk with these 2 people. They are his friends only. The dinner thing only happened under his rules. Everyone was bringing their significant other so he wanted me to go. It could never be me, him and his 2 friends- just NOT going to happen.

Now getting back to the dinner, I knew I would have regrets going and till this day I still have nightmares. (This happened about 3 years ago.) The girl I am tallking about said things like "I still love you Honey" right in front of me to my bf. When I told my bf I was very bothered by this, all he did was defend his friend saying she comes form a messed up family and made me seem like I am crazy. Am I??

ANother thing that made me uncomfortable is my bf held my hand and treated way nicer than he ever does in real life when we were at this outing.

I know this girl is not well received by a lot of people, meaning I think every female at the dinner table that night disliked her. The problem I have now is he is still friends with her. Lately I have been having nightmares at least once a week about these 2 friends. I should also tell you that once I was invited on a vacation with these 2 people and my bf decided 2 weeks before the vacation that he did not want me to go. I feel like I was never missed and he is probably very happy till this day that he did not have me come. I should also mention that I was very sick at the time and was left alone for the week.

He bought me a stuffed animal as a gift from his cruise and it seems to mean more to him than it does to me. His 2 secret friends know what he got me and quite honestly, whenever I look at the stuffed animal that is all I can think of. It makes me sick.

Am I overeacting? DO I have a right to feel the way I do? What would you do in this situation?

I should also add that my bf seems to make a lot of these kind of female friends that are just too nice to him or act in inappropriate ways. When I tell him I am bothered by it all he does is try and hide these friends, but I know better. I don't feel like he cares about my feelings and mostly bc of this I am not able to trust him. I know it is not right to tell someone who they can and can not be friends with but I don't know how to handle this situation. ANy help would be greeatly appreciated.

Answer 1

Leave now.  Cut your losses and move on.  

This is not a healthy relationship at all!

Answer 2

I ain't got time to read all this !!!,sorry

Answer 3

Although i think you are over-reacting, i would agree that there is something rather odd going on here

Answer 4

no way..I couldn't even finish your 1st paragraph..then I saw the novel you wrote...too much missy...try and use brevity..you'll get more answers.

Answer 5

Wow no guy should give you limits of who you can hang out with or not.  If he won't let you be around his friends then he may be hiding more than these "friendships" from you.  You need to lay down the rules.  Either you are included into all aspects of his life or none.  You deserve so much better!  I hate seeing a girl getting treated wrongly.

Answer 6

OK, you really need to leave this guy.  Do NOT stay with someone who treats you like that.  OMG, your relationship has sucked and if you get married it will be even worse.  Trust me, I did the same stupid thing.  He never took up for me and always blamed me for the things that the other girls who liked him started.  I was left out of a lot of things unless he felt the need to have a nice gf there.  Why we married I will never in my life know but all I can say is that it was a HUGE mistake.  He has never showed affection or love.  Everything is always about him.  Please, look for someone who loves you and wants to be with you instead of his buddies and stupid girls.  

Answer 7

he doesn't respect you. plain and simple. tell him you could act the same way he does if you wanted to but don't out of respect for him. he sounds like hes really good with words so don't let him twist it around on you. just stay focused on what you have to say and how you feel. don't be afraid of him. you shouldn't be with him if you're afraid anyway! i don't even know you and respect you more then he does! good luck!

Answer 8

You are NOT overreacting. The only reason men hide their friends is because there is something going on with them. Your boyfriend could very well be having affairs with the "secret" friends and of course he is trying to make you feel crazy! That's one of the most common defense strategies that men use when they're doing something behind your back. And you aren't allowed to talk to these people? Why, because you might find something out?  Please, please wake up and smell the coffee.  

Answer 9

You need to get out of the relationship and into counseling.  You need to get some self esteem, self respect, life goals and focus on something else in your life.  This guy is controlling and bad news.  This situation is wrong on many levels and you can't be objective when you are in the middle of all this.  You don't trust him and when it comes right down to it, why would you stay with someone you can't trust?  You deserve more, much more.  

Answer 10

seems like he is hiding alot from you. if i was in youre situation i would end it. there is sometihng very odd about it. Do whatever you think is right. i know that doesnt help much but its the truth.

Answer 11

How would I feel in this situation? I would feel hurt, uncomfortable, like I wasn't important, and I think I would be very angry with the girl who called him honey. That's just so inappropriate, you know?

My main concern would be the fact that "nothing" I said seemed to matter to my boyfriend. There is one really good thing about this relationship though and that is the fact that you are absolutely not attached! You didn't say anything about having children with this person, so that's a big plus. You aren't even engaged to be married, so you don't have to be there. I do understand that you probably still feel you love him despite how angry you must be, but you need to figure out if this is really worth it? If he is like this as just your boyfriend, I wonder what kind of a husband he would be? And if he treats you like this, I wonder how he would treat his children someday? I'm sure these are all thoughts that have already crossed your mind, but sometimes you need someone on the outside to say....this just doesn't look like it's heading in a positive direction to me.

#1 He shouldn't exclude you like he does. That's rude and shows that he is very inconsiderate of your feelings.

#2 When he did exclude you, he shouldn't have "tried" to make it up to you by buying you a stuffed animal. The grown up thing to have done would have been to say "I have been such a jerk lately, and I'm going to work on being more considerate of your feelings." I bet that would have meant way more to you than any stuffed animal.

#3 And this is the biggie if you ask me... when in a relationship, your self-esteem, confidence, and independence should not suffer. If anything it should get better. You need someone to support you and love you and include you. He isn't very good at any of that.

Sorry for all of your pain. It would be hard to leave after 4 years, but so much easier now than if you wait til you wind up married to him, or even worse, til you have children. I think you really need to think about the fact that he doesn't seem to care how you feel....no use being with someone like that. It's degrading and humiliating.

You don't want this. You will always have to worry and wonder. What kind of a life would that be? You seem very intelligent and like you have a good head on your shoulders. Build from that. You don't need him. Good luck to you. Hope you know that all of this was meant to help not to hurt. Take care.

Answer 12

I think you people, and I mean the entire circle you are running in, together with the controlling attitude of your 'b/f', are f*cked in the head, and Honey, I wouldn't trade a bucket of dogsh!t for any of your lives. Grow up and get a life.

Answer 13

i had to say this.... but it seems to me that this guy is cheating on you.. cut him loose now! he is not worth it. you can not tell him who to be friends with.. those are his friends and it seems to me, if you dont like it,,,tuff!! he is going to live his life the way he wants girl. and i dont think there is any way you are going to change it.. when a person loves someone they want to be with them all the time.. they do everything they can do to please them,, not hurt them..... he is hurting you more than loving you,,get the picture?

Answer 14

Walk away.

This man is drama, drama, drama.

Please, is he REALLY that great???

Men like this never change.  And the "hidden agenda" is a red flag bopping you on the head, girl.

Please don't make it to five years of wasted time.

Answer 15

Well I'm kinda in the same situation.. my bf has a girl friend that he has known about as long as me and this last year i felt like their friendship was making me too uncomfortable. I said something to him and he didn't stop so i said something to her.... it still didn't stop. I even had an altercation with the girl and although they stopped talking for a while.... they are still friends but now my bf just trys to hide the friendship. I have a hard time getting over the betrayal of him still talking to her but at the end of the day...he comes home to me... so i have nothing to really be mad about. (That's what I tell myself on good days) On bad days i get so furious because i guess I'm jealous that he connects with another female on that kinda level...(she calls him a nickname that only family call him, 1 day i said it and he looked at me like i was crazy)......   I know I know getting long...but i noticed you said that he treats you extra nice when she is around..... that's a good sign.. it means he speaks highly of you and the relationship and doesn't want her to know that you are really insecure about their friendship.