How would you feel when your children say things like "I hate you!" or "You don't love me!"?

Question

A friend's daughter uses this as a weapon to get what she wants.

So whenever her mother refuses her demand, she would say one or both of those sentences, and her mom would instantly give in.

I haven't experienced this because my son is only 9 month-old, but I imagine that hearing this from him someday wouldn't feel so nice.

Answer 1

And we wonder why children are so badly behaved?

Answer 2

feels grap my 11 year old says these words to myself and my husband every other day or another one is you love my sister more than me i just respond by saying i love you both the same no matter whether you hate me or not it is also rubbing of on his sister who is 7.

Answer 3

Well, I would know that I have taught them to be successful emotional manipulators and look forward to 18years of h**l from ingrateful brats that I created.

Every kid tried this c**p. Giving into it is wrong wrong wrong. It's an attack. It should be dealt the same way as if they told you to eff off. They need to experience what a day would be like if mommy didn't love them. They don't know what it means, they just know when they say that, mommy jumps like a trick pony.

Please help for sister understand that she's creating future egocentric, histrionic, antisocial behavior.

Answer 4

I have a 2 1/2 year old boy and he doesn't say that yet, but if he did I would probably feel a little hurt because I love him so much. If I was in your friend's situation, I would tell my daughter " I don't believe that and you have the right to dislike me" "hate is a very strong word" and I wouldn't give in or let her have her way. For the second sentence, I'd say "I do love you and am trying to do what's best for you. That doesn't always mean you get your way. Deal with it"

Answer 5

I expect that it will eventually happen to me and thanks to the first post I know exactly how to respond. Of course I will feel hurt, but I know that my children do not really hate me.  

Answer 6

Your friends daughter has trained her mom real well.

My kids NEVER said that to me. I would have called it disrespect. They got spanked if they disrespected me -- and that included rolling their eyes, hitting me, or sticking out their tongue at me. Important rule at my house: you don't disrespect mom.

"I hate you" is not a true expression of your child's feelings. It's manipulative and needs to be treated that way.  

Answer 7

kids will be kids LOL

Answer 8

Of course it will hurt, my son's father and I are separated and even though my son is only four he has expressed similar things when he has come back from his dad's. It hurts, naturally, but you keep in mind that they are kids who are just trying to express their frustration.

On no account should you ever turn that phrase into the leverage your friend has let it become. You don't want your child to think they can get their way by manipulation!  

Answer 9

No it doesn't feel nice. Mine has only said "your mean" but the thing is, is that they don't mean it. It is a temper tantrum and they learn what works. I send mine to her room. I don't budge. It is the parent, not the child, so it is all going to be a matter of how you handle it, and this will determine if it is a regular accurance.  

Answer 10

Id feel really upset and feel like i was a really bad mother and have to change.

Answer 11

During my teen years I know I said those things to my Parents. Mainly my Mom. Keep in mind I am also a girl. I could only imagine how much easier the boys were for my parents. I was also the middle child and my older brother excelled in sports and my younger brother excelled in academics plus he was always the class clown. I was really shy and akward looking. I didn't excell in much. As I grew older I grew into my looks and kind of rebelled and partied too much. I know the reason why I'd lash out at them was the hint of jealousy towards my brothers. They let me get away with everything and weren't even noticing I was having problems. Instead of addressing my parents civilly I'd just pick fights. I wanted them to care more. I wanted them to notice me. I never did it to get anything out of them, but acceptance. Even now at 22 I'm going back to college to get my degree and they are still not supportive the way I wish they were. It's sometimes like they have no faith in me to do anything with myself. My brothers have it all I'm just the liberal oddball. Around the age of 20 I started to develop what in my eyes is a great connection to my parents and finally got over w/e resentment I had towards them in my teen years.

Not all situations are the same, but I think it is inevitable. Just remember they will get over it sooner than you think. I think those are the years of wanting so many things at once they can't have. Like independance from "embarrassing" parents. All teens want to graduate and get out of there. I'd like to go back! It was easier living at home and getting taken care of. Everyone will look back and laugh. It's apart of life.

As to comebacks to statements like that, because I see myself entering motherhood in the next couple of years. I have always told myself I would remain calm and not yell or argue. I wouldn't give them anything to feed off of, or fuel their fire. I would just tell them I love them even if they "hate me." Remind them. These days I don't think parents say that enough to their kids.  

Answer 12

well she needs to learn that she is the adult in the relationship and not to be bullied by her kids. All she has to say to them when they say that is that she is their mother and she will always love them. They should not equate material goods with love.  

Answer 13

Most teens will say these types of things like you said, just to get their own way, and they can become quite rebelious. However, the worst thing to do is give in, tell her to be sturn with her daughter, she doesn't really mean she hates her, she just doesn't want to take no as an answer and will go as low as possable to get a yes. Tell your friend to take away privaledges from her, (mobile, computer, going out) teens HATE that punishment. Tell your friend to get her daughter to do a few chores round the house for pocket money and stuff like that so she can learn to look after herself and she'll feel a bit like an adult and hopefully she shouldn't act like a child no more. The thing is, you really have to start disapline at an early age, then they learn as they grow up to respect their parents, unfortunatly she might try running away if her privaledges get taken away from her, but the worst thing is to give into her getting her own way.

If you get your son to help you around the house for pocket money and teach him what's right and wrong, disapline him in the right ways, he shouldn't be like that. Plus girls are always worse than boys, at their teenage age all most of them are interested in are boys, so really try not to worry about your son, he should be fine =].

Hope this helps you =]  

Answer 14

I don't allow my children to say "I hate you" to anyone, but especially to me.  Sorry - that's unacceptable.  No child means it - they can voice their frustrations in an acceptable way, but saying they hate someone (especially me) is not on.

And if my child tried the "you don't love me" thing - well, I might be tempted to say "well, then don't behave in an unlovable way" - end of argument.

Don't allow your kids to manipulate you.  And also draw the line - we don't speak to each other like that.  It's not a big deal.

Answer 15

That's because your friend's daughter is running the show. I bet if your friend put her foot down the next time she saids that don't give in and if she gets in her face, get in her a**.  

Answer 16

My children will never say them words and if they do they will get punished for it.  

Answer 17

I have an autistic son who has on occasion stated 'I hate you'! I always answer calmly but with a stubborn child like tone. ' Yes well I love you very much and you can't stop me'. The hate soon diminishes.

Answer 18

To be honest, you get used to it.

My son knows perfectly well that I love him and I know perfectly well that he doesn't hate me, no matter what he says.

Goes in one ear and out the other.

Answer 19

Uselly they've just lost therir temper. Saying you don't mean that dosen't work though they do mean it ther just angry. Particually children who are critized alot can really feel this way.

Answer 20

My twins are 10 years old.  I hear "I hate you!" every day.  HA!  I know they don't really mean it - everybody says things they don't mean in the heat of anger.  I usually reply with, "I love YOU no matter what!"

Answer 21

well my son wil only be 1 next week so i havent had to deal with that either but im sure the day will come that he says every child does but i surely will not give into him if he does what does that teach them?

Answer 22

Been there. My response is "I love you no matter what." It usually quiets them up on the spot.

Answer 23

I think it is the parents fault. It is a terrible thing that the parent would let their child get away with saying that. That is disturbing to me. If my son ever came out of his mouth like that the only thing he would be getting is a long talk and a spanking if he said it again. Hate is a strong word and it is a unacceptable word. What is she teaching her child? She is going to think that she can have a tantrum and say bad things to people and she will get her way. What she is going to get his her feelings hurt.

Answer 24

Your friend is being rather weak.  The child is manipulating her and winning.

Children say things like that, they will say and do whatever gets the response they want.

My daughter says it, and it isn't nice, but I ignore it totally, and she then backtracks and tells me the opposite.

You have to have a bit of a thick skin with children, because they will say hurtful things, and they will tell you about all your faults when they notice them.

Answer 25

Sounds to me asthough you're friends daughter is rather spoilt - don't worry about it.

I think its mainly little girls that say things like this during temper tantrums.

I have a little sister who regularly says it however, my brother just one year younger than her never has.

Dont worry - if you bring you're son up with the respect he needs he shouldn't.

Answer 26

They will say things like that, they just want to hurt you, Probably because they can't get their own way,

They don't mean it though. ( they are just trying it on, like your friends little girl, who says it to get her own way, and it works for this little girl, eh? )

Your friend just wants an easy life, it's much more harder not to give into your children.

Answer 27

My almost 8 year old stepdaughter has started with this recently. I say "If we didnt love you, we wouldnt let you live here!! We would buy you nice clothes or feed you"  I tell her there are kids who's parents hit them and dont let them eat food. I try to explain to her that just because I dont let her eat 2 cookies, that doesnt mean I dont love her.

But usually I just ignore it!

I would NEVER give her what she wants because she says those things, that would be stupid.