How would you handle a child that did this?

Question

My husband and I had a disagreement today over a situation regarding my step-daughter. He has full custody of the child, and she is with me 95% of the time. I am a stay at home mom. I had a talk with my step daughter regarding her constantly being awful to her younger sister. In the conversation I told her that their father loved them the SAME and how he would never allow someone to be mean to her, nor will he allow someone to be mean to her sister. She told my husband that I said that he loved her little sister more. When she came home she admitted that she lied and said she knew that is NOT what I said. This child constantly tells hurtful, spiteful lies, and I believe she should be punished for it. His view was that he told her he didn't believe it, and that should be the end of it. Again, I am this child's primary caretaker, and I believe that I know her best. I think she should have had a consequence for lying and trying to cause conflict. What do you think?

Answer 1

You need to tell him to back you up! You are the on home all day, you are the one taking care of this girl all day! You need to ground this girl. Have her do extra chores, clean the house, not going outside, not going to any friends house. Ya know the drill.

Answer 2

I don't find the lying as disturbing as the manipulation to try to get you in trouble. I think she needs counseling. I am sure she needs discipline too. Your husband needs to take his head out of the sand The fact that he didn't believe the lies doesn't matter. As she gets older she will be able to come up with more believable lies.

Answer 3

I think her father should give her a well deserved spanking.

Answer 4

sounds like she is jelous

Answer 5

You're in charge 95% of the time, you have every right to decide on implications, especially when they affect you.

Don't take any c**p. If she can dish it out....dish it right back.

Answer 6

You and your husband should punish her. Not punishing her will only encourage her to do it again. You mentioned she tells lies constantly and that is because her father has never punished her for it. This situation is a minor lie in the big picture, but what will you do when she lies about stealing or doing something that hurt someone else.  

Believe me, her lies will get worse and worse. Pretty soon she will lie about things that would not matter. My oldest will lie when asked about something I saw with my own eyes or heard with my own ears. Even things that would not get her in trouble.

I suggest you sit down with your hubby and talk about how you want to discipline the girls the same way and get an understanding about the basics. You are her primary care taker and you should be able to deal with a situation as it happens. If something major happens, then you can tell her you will discuss her punishment with her dad when he gets home, but for now you are not allowed to watch tv (or whatever). If dad feels the no tv was a good enough punishment, that is fine. Then the 2 of you can sit her down and discuss what she did and why it was wrong. You always need to show a united front or else both of your children will learn how to play each of you against the other.

to Amanda: He should be taking your side. The side that teaches her right from wrong. You and he should be on the same side. He needs to explain to her that he will always support your decisions.

Answer 7

dltu;dl.

Answer 8

I am in the same situation, my step-daughter lies about things and my husband won't punish her because he doesn't want to seem like he is taking my side which to her means he loves me more, which is totally not the case. I think there should be a punishment is she is lieing, she needs to learn it is bad to lie and that she will be in trouble if she does. I also think since you are the primary care giver that you should be able to hand out punishments, but that is between you and your husband.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 9

Lying is such a hard thing to try to discipline, because it seems like you have less control over it than other things.  If a kid is rough with their toys, you take away the toys.  If they talk back, they lose TV or something.  If they lie, sometimes you don't even know they're doing it.  I've always thought that lying will catch up to you sooner or later.  Your step-daughter needs to understand, as best as she can, that when you lie to people you lose their trust.  Maybe you can just tell her that you can't believe anything she says.  When she is telling the truth, and you know it's the truth, act like you don't believe her.  This will frustrate her, and maybe she'll understand how important the truth is.

Answer 10

I totally agree with you, she should be punished for her lies, and if you don't start now she will in time walk all over you and will quickly learn that she can do or say anything to or about you and her dad wont do a thing about it! You need to nip this sh*t in the bud right now!!

Answer 11

She should be punished, and you both should decide on a punishment together.  However, your husband needs to be the one to sit down with her, and punish her, and talk to her about how she behaves.  If he punishes her, she'll understand that although he loves her and she's his daughter, that he's married to you, and he's on YOUR side.  She's testing him to see if he's loyal to her or you, and he needs to prove himself right now.  If he cops out on this one, she'll have him wrapped around her finger and she'll continue to disrespect you.  If he stands up, then she'll understand that this is your family too.  You need to sit down as an entire family and come up with a set of rules and guidelines that must be followed.  I don't recommend spanking, because it requires no thought, and will allow only her anger to grow, instead of her maturity.  I would say he should ground her, and tell her that when she decides to, (but not before two weeks of being grounded), she can sit down with you and tell you how she feels and how she was wrong, and what she will do differently in the future.  He should tell her that at that time, YOU can decide whether or not she is then no longer grounded.  YOU can decide whether she is sincere or not.  This way, he punishes her, but you both end up being the authority figure, and she'll learn that he's on your side, and that she answers to you as well.

Answer 12

I DO THINK SHE SHOULD BE PUNISHED- AND YOUR HUBBY NEEDS TO BACK YOU UP ON THINGS!!! HE IS COPPING OUT ON NOT BEING APART OF RAISING HIS DAUGHTER AND HE SHOULD BE THERE MORE FOR HER TO SEE THAT HE DOES LOVE HER....

Answer 13

Boy oh boy does this sound familiar. I have a 10 year old step-daughter whom my husband and I share joint custody of with her mother. When she is here wih me and her dad is at work or bowling and she does something wrong I punish her, usually grounded in her room, well when her dad gets home she says I was mean and screamed at her or hit her (which I have never done). At first her dad would believe her, unground her and get really mad at me. So I told him fine she is your daughter you deal with her. I stopped handling all the tantrums and refusals to do homework. Finally he got to see first hand what was really going on. It only took one time of him witnessing her smart mouth and temper tantrums (she's 9) for him to understand what was really going on. I told him that if he can't trust me and back me up then he can take care of her himself, he can stay home from work to get her off to school, get her ready for bed, handle the homework and the sassyness by himself. He got the point, realized everything I do and started backing me up 100%. You need to sit down with your husband and tell him that it is hard enough to be a step-mom and he need to show his daughter that you two are a unified front and that she needs to respect you just the same as she respects him. If she continues to lie she absolutely need to be punished, grounded, take away tv whatever it takes to teach her that lying will not be tolerated. Same thing goes for teasing her little sister.

Answer 14

The problem with a child lying is that if you don't nip it in the butt, it becomes a compulsive behavior. Perhaps your husband doesn't want to take responsibility with his daughter's behavior, because it's his child. The fact of the matter is, she needs discipline and structure, and he needs to stand with you on this. Otherwise her behavior will only get worse, and she'll know she can play sides.

Answer 15

Yes she should be punished, Also your husband needs to let her know that she can't manipulate him like that, and try to put a wedge between the two of you. Maybe since she's with you 95% of the time you can have alone time with her and do something special just the two. Maybe she's being awful to your younger daughter because she feels insecure about herself and where she fits in the family.

Answer 16

I do agree with her needed to be punished cause then shell just think she can get away with lieing all the time... but thats him stepping up on his authority to being a father... wheather its a step kid or his own... thats what i told mine, he should not and i should not treat any of our kids differently bc of blood or what... cause one day we will adopt and that kid is niether one of our blood.. but yeah he should have punished her!!

Answer 17

Your step daughter may still suffer from the break-up between her parents and may try to get them back together (some children try that for many years). One way to do that, in her mind, is to create conflict between you and your husband. Now that may be an explanation of her behavior but not necessarily an excuse. You and your husband may want to sit her down in a quiet moment and tell her that you know how she feels, and that reality is difficult for her to accept, but that that does not give her a right to treat her little sister badly or to tell lies in order to disrupt your marriage. Tell her that the next time you catch her doing that you will punish her, depending on her age by grounding her, taking away computer/TV and/or a spanking. It is essential that your husband and yourself appear as a united front and that you are following up on what you tell her. It doesn't matter which of you actually does the disciplining, but you must agree on the course to be taken.

Good luck to you!

Answer 18

How old is the step-daughter?  How old is the younger sister?  Is it possible that the younger sister is tormenting this step-daughter knowing that you will take her side?

When children act out, there is usually an underlying problem.  She misses her mother, she misses her father, she feels stuck with you and you don't show that you feel anymore than that toward her.  It sounds like you need one-on-one time with her and one-on-one time with your daughter as well.  I bet they both feel that you love the other one more.  This is what happens in blended families.  Your husband also needs to take a more proactive role in his daughter's life.  You are not a built-in babysitter.  But you have to quit acting like you are enemies.  This girl needs as many people on her side as she can get.  You would be surprised at how kids pick up on how adults feel.  Your actions speak louder than words.  If you are treating her like a "step" child, of course she will take it out on the younger one that is "yours".  If her mom is out of the picture, she needs you now more than ever.  Just be there for her.  Don't make her feel like a burden.  She has enough grief in her heart as it is.