How would you handle this? New moms?

Question

I'm really, really hurt and I don't know how to handle this. My son's father, my partner told me I need to lose 30 pounds. Now, first off, he's an idiot. I cannot physically lose 30 pounds. I'm at 160 and the most I could lose is 20, I have never been lower than 140, EVER in my adult life. I had my son 14 months ago and gained 80 lbs. I have lost 65 of it and I'm still losing weight. I started my first full time job two weeks ago, I have been part time since my son was 3 months old. Ever since I started my full time job I have been really stressed, unable to eat, Bradley is teething so I never sleep and I have dropped at least 3 lbs in the last 2 weeks due to stress, lack of sleep, etc. He told me I need to start exercising. When?! He told me a week ago he's tired of me being exhausted all the time! WTF?! He told me any guy would feel this way about his wife/partner/girlfriend. That no man wants a fat @ss for a partner. I'm a fat @ss at 5'5" 160 by the way. Yeah, I know I'm overweight, but fat @ss? I have ALWAYS been self conscious about my weight, this did not help at all. I hate him. Plain and simple. Now what?

Answer 1

Tell him that ALL 160lbs of you will kick his @ss out of the door.

Answer 2

WOW that is really low of him! Tell him to carry a child for 9 months and see how he looks or feels after! I think your doing a great job! Me i have only gained some how after my little one (only a pound or two) so good job to you! And you are a busy woman, not lazy at all. You need to set him straight and tell him you can do better! Tell him as a husband or boyfriend he sucks because this is when he is supposed to be there for you the most! Esp since this is the hardest time with your emotions. I know i don't like looking in the mira with all the stretch marks and such so to have a guy that matters the most to you would really suck. You sound like a great woman, get rid of the loser!

Answer 3

Hunny, you're with someone who's waaay below you. He sounds like an idiot, one of those that thinks every girl should have their ribs visible. I've known guys like that before, and that's kinda the reason why I have a hard time believing my partner when he says i'm just fine as i am. I'm 169 pounds, 5' 6" . He doesn't expect nor want perfection. Sounds like your partner expects you to be perfect, but yet he isn't. Most likely you're better looking than him. AND you can tell him from me, if i was with him i'd have dragged him right back down to earth again----give him a few home truths about how HE looks!! i know it's really difficult, but i'd make myself financially secure and then dump him, and make him pay child support. You can meet someone miles better than him, maybe you'd only be by yourself a matter of months before you met a much better guy. good luck honey.x

Answer 4

MALES - Don't they send you NUTS!!!

My Husband is a sweetie mostly, but he sometimes opens his mouth before he thinks. It is a male thing.

He asked me tonight, where his dinner was, while I am trying to calm a baby, and the other is whining, and the 3 tots are running crazy. Hmmm I wonder. I nearly hit him with the saucepan. lol!!

At 160 you are not fat, or anything. Your a fantastic size, and don't ever let anyone tell you your not. I weigh less, and would literally kill to be your size, (ok not really kill, but I'd love your weight)

Tell him, to get off his fat backside and help out. It takes 2 people to make a baby, and it takes 2 to take care of the baby. Like it would kill him to do the dishes and things like that.

If he is so tired of you being tired, tell him to get up and help. Only boys don't help their woman out. A real man does.

Mine says stupid things all the time. I love him, but he drives me nuts. With 5 kids, I sleep about 2 hours a night, and I swear if he tells me he wants another child again this week, I may just hit him with that pan. lol!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh and as if men don't like woman with healthy butts. Hasn't he ever hear *Baby got back!!* Geez

Answer 5

before u kick him out and tell him hes a d***head tell him 2 try and carrie a baby for 9 months without gaining a bit of weight then cope with a job and with a teething baby plus all the stress hes putting u under and c if he would do better or even look better bet he wouldnt,dont let him get u down hun by the sound of things ur doing realy well keep going and kick him out theres better men then him about

Answer 6

I have a friend who is about the same size as what you said above with the height and weight. She is in no way fat. I would find someone who is willing to appreciate you and love you and your body.

Answer 7

I would tell him to get f*cked...  honestly.  I gained 60 ponds with my last child who is now 6 months.  Ive only lost 30 of it.  its frustrating as h**l.  never once has my bf told me anything like that.  if he did ID tell him to get lost or leave myself.  no man is worth that bs.  hes spose to love you for who you are!  honeslty I would tell him he needs to stop and if he doesnt leave his *ss.  it takes time to lose the weight.  with my first it took me almost a year and a half to lose all the weight and I only gained 40 pounds.  good luck to you and I hope everything works out!

Answer 8

That is called verbal abuse and you need to get away from him. I am really sorry he hurt you. Next time be careful about whom you choose for company.

You can try counseling, but chances are that most likely he is a narcissist and it won't stop.  

Answer 9

I would tell him to take a flying leap. What a jack @ss he is for insulting you! You carried HIS child inside your body for 9mths, you went through the h**l of pregnancy and birth and he has the balls to tell you your fat??? s***w that and s***w him, you dont deserve that!

I'd start insulting him and let him know what it feels like.

Answer 10

FIRST of all. why dont u tell this "wonderful man" lol to f off. when does he expect u to work out? seems to me u have most the responsibility when it comes to running the household. is he in perfect shape? simply tell him to f off with the rude comments and ur trying to lose weight but to can the jackass remarks until u have some time to contribute to yourself. or why not just say "u want me to lose weight? take some of my workload" i hate him and i dont even know him. shame on him for making u feel bad and shame on him for being an ***.  

Answer 11

It sounds as if you know he's an @ss, so there is no reason to reiterate that point.  But here's what I would do (before making the difficult decision to leave with a newborn in tow):

I would say "okay honey - but I need your help."  I would insist that he watch the baby while I go "work out" several times a week- which in my case would be a guilt-free hour of reading trashy magazines while eating ice cream at Marble Slab or something similar.  You probably won't lose any weight, but you'll have some quiet time to yourself to figure out where the heck you go from here.  And he'll be stuck with the stress of dealing with a baby for a few hours.  Maybe he'll change his tune after a couple of weeks...

Answer 12

Tell him that you will happily lose 30lbs when his p***s grows 3 inches.

What an a**hole.

Answer 13

I want to offer you a hug XOXO. I know you must be hurting, I would be also. You know what to do, just follow your heart and don't let anyone talk down to you!

Answer 14

WOW. Plan and simple, I couldnt be with someone who told me I was a fat a$$ and needed to lose weight. I think you two should go to marriage counseling.

Oh, I probably would have punched him in the face. but thats me

Answer 15

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.  

I've been in a similar situation so I'll share what I did about it.  It happened during our biggest ever fight and I was about 7 months pregnant (with our 2nd).  He called me a fat B**** out of anger.  We've never had a problem w/ not fighting fairly, no previous name calling or anything like that so, since I felt horrible about myself anyway and fat (I did both times I was pregnant- I gained 70 and 65lbs) I thought he really meant it.  So... I packed up our son and our things and I left.  I was so ready to sign the divorce papers.  He cried and begged me to come back and even took the initiative to sign up and go to counseling.  We went to a couple of sessions together too.  There hasn't been any name calling since.  Sometimes we really do hurt the ones we love the most.  We know which buttons to push and what to say to hurt the other person.  You just have to let him know you aren't going to put up with it.  You situation is different but you still have to let him know.  Otherwise, it might just escalate.  



Don't you just love how men expect us to be like celebrities immediately after having a baby?!  It would be a piece of cake if we all had live-in nannies and personal trainers.  I still have about 25-30lbs to go and if my husband were to say something to me about it right now (he wouldn't, he learned his lesson, LOL), I would show him where the door is!

Answer 16

oh my god oh my god oh my god. i am going to leap through this screen. i KNOW you know how unacceptable this is. "fat @ss!" are you kidding????!!!!!! this is unacceptable not only because it is inaccurate and cruel but also because it evinces some serious personality problems. i understand how complicated it can be to protect/remove yourself from someone you have committed to, no matter how egregious their behavior, but i also know that you know how dangerous this behavior is as a model for bradley. you are working so hard to raises a good man -- and you are doing so. and this man, despite how good he may be with bradlet otherwise, will blow up all your work by modeling this disgusting behavior.

furthermore, let's look at the year you've had. even if all (ha "all") you had done was carry, bear, and take primary responsibility for raising a child, then that would be enough to warrant better-than-normal treatment. add in the other things that have happened this year, and, well, a STRANGER would be (and is, clearly) sympathetic/empathetic. that bradely's dad treats you with such cruelty and insensisitiviy: think about that. the mother of his child, the person he is committed to, this is his level of sensitivity and compassion. BAD sign. worse than that. you have given him many chances for many different things. but you can not change a personality disorder. i am not even going to address the weight thing -- it is insignificant, and of course he is in idiot, wrong, etc. but the problem is bigger than that. please consider a major life change. i know you've had enough this year -- but you can make your life a more positive one for you AND for bradley. how his father treats him, i'm sure, is fine and will continue to be fine. but this relationship dynamic does not create a healthy and ahppy environment for a child. OR A MOMMA.

i am sorry. i feel you, i really, really do.

edit: ellie, that's awesome.

i also wanted to add that, in my opinion, this is beyond counseling. couple's counseling is not the right option now. if you were to split up, and he were to engage in some real individual therapy and "do the work" as we say, and if after that you two still wanted to be together, that could work. no couple's counseling, though. this is NOT about a communication breakdown. he needs help -- if it is even possible to rehabilitate this level of selfishness and callousness.

Answer 17

sorry you're going throught this. you have a newborn baby and you're starting work full time again, so the last thing you need is a nagging boyfriend.

i have no advice for you because you're not the one with the problem...your boyfriend is.

nothing you can do to change him. he's an ***. i still havent lost all my baby weight and my fiance has not said anything. and yes, i'm too tired someone w/ working full-time and taking of our son to have s*x sometimes and he understands. sometimes i push through exhaustation and go for it (and i'm happy i do), but mostly i just need SLEEP

this man is putting you down. i dont know about this situation...sounds bad.

Answer 18

OMG.  You do NOT deserve to be treated that way.  First off, at 160, you are NOT fat.  

Ok, he really ticks me off and I don't even know him.

This is just me, but if I were in your situation, I'd tell him to kiss my fat @ss and leave for a few days.  Spend some time with my parents or something and let him think about how he treats you.  

R -You really _really_ do not deserve to be treated like that.  You are doing the absolute best you can to raise your son and provide for your family.  You shouldn't have to deal with someone who supposedly cares about you putting you down.

*Hugs*  Email me if you need to talk.

Answer 19

You do not need anyone in your life that talks to you like this. 5"5" and 160 lbs is normal. What the H**l is he talking about and you just had a baby!!! He must be out of his mind. But seriously, It sounds like that he no longer wants to be in this relationship and is looking for excuses to get out. I would suggest you speak to someone in Legal Aid to find out what your rights are and make a serious decision. Do want to be around someone who talks to and treats you this way? You deserve better. Do you want Bradley to grow up and be like this? It will not be easy, but it is better to have a peace of mind then to worry about the next nasty thing he will say to you.

Answer 20

my god, was he always such a jack@ss?  do you live with this guy?  if so, kick him to the curb, set up child support payments and move on...he's doing absolutely zero for your self-esteem and I'd rather be single than deal with this.

Answer 21

Personally, I would leave him.  No woman has to deal with that c**p.

Answer 22

sounds like a real jerk.

even if you have gained some weight he shouldn't be telling you you "need to lose 30 lbs" or calling you a fat @ss.  

you had his child and this is how he treats you?  unbelievable.

i couldn't stay with a man like that.

Answer 23

Where is Mr Perfect when the baby is up all night?  Weight loss from stress is not healthy.  Your job right now is to be MOM.  And you are doing great.  If he cannot appreciate you and goes for the dig of you are fat he is the jerk.  It's not like it happened because you were sitting around eating bon-bon's.  You were pregnant which is work and not a comfortable happy place to be!  Loosing is harder then gaining and it took you almost a year to gain the weight so give yourself a break.   Reach out.   The hospital where you delivered does not severe the relationship because now the baby is born.  Call them.  Tell them you are stressed.  Find someone you can talk with.  You will never get to experience this time in your childs life again.  Enjoy it. Do what you have to do in order to acheive that.

Good luck

Answer 24

what a jerk. it is hard enough being a stay at home mom but having to work full time and take care of the house and baby is doubly hard!

he is selfish and is being verbally abusive. if you don't love him anymore and don't want to be with him then maybe try a separation.  as much as it sucks for the baby having you stressed and upset all the time is worse.

before you do though get everything on order, a place to stay, a separate bank account someone to watch the baby if needed.

sometimes men just don't get it. my husband was home all last week and was mad at me because his vacation was a waste he said. why?! because i asked him to help me when he was here! i am like where is my vacation? oh right, i don't get one. a baby is a full time job with no breaks.

Answer 25

My husband hasn't necessarily come right out and said that I needed to lose weight.. but he would kinda hint around that "exercise would give me much more energy." When I read your question I was like, " Wow.. isn't that something.." I KNOW I'm overweight. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and I'm not blind. I was 169 at 5'4'' when I got pregnant with my daughter (she's 23 months now). When I had her.. I weighed 205. I got back down to 180 and then got pregnant when she was 7 months old. I gained ten more pounds and ended up having a miscarriage at 13 weeks. It broke my heart. I ended gaining another 8 pounds and have been stuck at 198 for almost a year. Needless to say.. I am now 16 weeks pregnant and I haven't gained a pound so far. However, when I made a comment about noticing how my clothes were getting snug I was told, " You know.. exercise may help that." I LOST it. I told him that I knew a very creative way to lose a c**p load of weight.. and that was to kick his 220 pound behind right out the door. You should have seen his face. I reminded him that I have carried 3 of his children in the past 2 years and while I'm not happy being overweight, I am trying to maintain my weight in this pregnancy and work on losing it after I have our child. I then asked him what exactly was his excuse for gaining 15 pounds in ONE month? Jerk. :)

Answer 26

The next time the baby cries and won't stop hand the baby over to him and say "I'm going to work out!" Do it even if it's 3 am...especially if it's 3 am!

Answer 27

WOW. Sounds like an ******!!!! I'm ASSUMING there are other issues in the relationship, and not just this problem?  If i get frustrated with my weight loss, my husband says, "you just had a baby! it's supposed to be like this!"  

husbands/boyfriends/partners are supposed to be loving and understanding when it comes to postpartum weight loss.  Commenting on your wife/girlfriend's slow weight loss is a HUGE NO-NO!!!  

I would want to leave him as well -- not for the weigh loss comment, but for just being a d*ckhead.  I know leaving someone is complicated and hard and probably not what you want to do anyway.  In all seriousness, I would tell that it's unacceptable to talk to you that way.  you birthed your shared child and are now busy raising him and working your butt off. that you demand his respect and consideration, and to never speak to you again like that. snap!  

Answer 28

wow that is some very superficial man. Leave! your better off without him.

Answer 29

Tell him that you can find a million guys that would love your fat *ss! LOL...what a idiot he is.