How would you handle this?

Question

I am dating a man who has recently lost his wife to cancer early this summer. She was also mentally ill and his life has been caring for her until she died. One of his two daughters is having a hard time with the fact he is moving on so soon with a new relationship and, she is upset because he has decided to clean out the house of much of her belongings. He has asked the daughter to please come and pick out things she wants for herself, but she can't bring herself to do it yet. Now she is mad because he gave away something she wanted.

I really like this man, and I know he is still grieving but he has told me his marriage to his wife was in name only for the last 10 years or so. He stayed with her to take care of her. They slept in separate rooms!

I went thru much the same process when my own mother died. All I can say is that going thru my mothers things and getting rid of all the stuff that wasn't important was quite an experience for me. But I can say, that it helped me let her go.

Is there anything I can say to help this woman thru with her grieving? Her father has asked her to come over and take the things she wants but she's reluctant to do so. I think she's in denial.

Answer 1

She needs to be let do it on her own time.  There is no way, I repeat, no way I could just come over and go through my mother's things in designated time.  I would have to have an open invite and call you to tell you I was coming over if that was OK.  People should not be made to jump into getting over something like that.  They should be allowed to grieve and not feel pushed into things.  The best you can do is nothing.  She is having a hard time with him moving on and no matter what you say it will be taken wrong.  Seriously.  However if she opens up to you, listen.  Never say "I know how you feel".  

Answer 2

STAY OUT OF IT.

She will resent you, blame you, and you will become the root of all evil to her if you interfere one bit.

The only thing you can do is encourage your "new man" to maybe be a bit more sensitive to the fact that although to him the marriage was over 10 years ago, to his kids this is all very new and devastating to them.  They aren't ready to let their mom go and he isn't being respectful to their emotional needs. He should at the least rent a storage facility to store her items until his daughters are ready to go through them.

Personally, I'd step back and lay low until all the emotional drama has been settled.

Answer 3

Don't push her.  Different people deal with things in different ways.  The daughter is angry at the loss of her Mom, and it probably wouldn't matter at this point what her Dad did - she would still be angry.

My suggestion would be to pack the things up and save them for a time when she is ready.  That could be next week, next year or in 10 years.  

I think, as a daughter, I would be a bit upset about my Dad dating so soon.  You said early summer?  That's like 3 months ago?  I'm not saying you guys are doing anything wrong - Dad has the absolute right to be happy.  But try to see it through his daughter's eyes.

Answer 4

How dare you?? You have the audacity to want to want to take her mother place and her mother's bones are not even white yet. I know you like this man but respect is respect!!!  Put yourself in her shoes.......how would you feel to know that a woman is so eager to take your mother's man?? They are still greving for pete's sake. I am not saying that you should break up with him. Just be respectful and don't overstep your boundries and DON"T EVEN THINK YOU HAVE ANY RIGHT TO SAY ANTHING TO HER!! that's her mom were are talking about. Back the f**k off!!

Answer 5

Don't contact the daughter or try to help her.  Her mother just died a few months ago and she needs to take things at her own pace.  She shouldn't be pressured by her father to move on more quickly, and she's certainly not going to take it very well if you tell her to get over it.  It would be different if this was several years after her mother's death rather than months, however it would still be up to her father to talk to her, not you.  He can tell her to go through her mother's things, because he can't be expected to hold onto them for longer than he wants to; its his house after all.  But try to take things slowly and don't force her to accept you right away.

Answer 6

I would get a storage unit.  Don't actually throw out anything.  The daughter can have time to get what she wants when she is ready, and the man can live without seeing his wife's things all over.

Answer 7

It hasnt been that long yet. I would not mention for a bit, give her some time to get there on her own initiative. If you have to force her to do it, what good is that?

I mean, I wouldnt be waiting years and years... but I think you could definitely give her more time.  

Answer 8

she may resent you trying to talk to her at all. she might see it as dis respectful, its not ur place all of that it will be a lot of emotion. in a way she might see you as the other woman, though your not doing anything wrong. if you really want to help, get her father to rent a small storage unit and put her mothers things there until the daughter is ready to go through it. our family went through something similar, my grandma passed in march 05 after only 4 months of having lung cancer. they were married 36 years and he got a girlfiend last year. he never brings her around the family though its more of a companion for him i guess. but i was mad at him after over 3 years after she died, but thats because im still learning to deal with out my grandma, i lived with them my whole life. it could take a long time for her to accept her father moving on, the best u can do is help from a distance

Answer 9

I think you need to see it from her point of view, not as the new honey in her dad's life.

It's pretty shocking that he moved on to you so soon after his wife's death - or were you seeing him before?

They need time as a family to heal -- gee, and he needs a year to grieve, no matter how insignificant you 'think' their relationship was.

Answer 10

She's not in denial, she's in mourning. Regardless of  how her parents relationship had been prior to her Mother's death, it's still her Mother that she just lost. I can understand her resentment and hesitancy to accept you and your new status in the family, as well as her need for time to deal with the various details that aren't pressing at the moment. Her Father should have boxed up everything and put it to the side somewhere for when she is ready, not give it away to anyone without her knowledge.

You need to step back and let her deal with it however she sees fit. You need to be understanding if she lashes out about the suddenness of the relationship with her Father, you have to admit it is soon. At this point you need to stay in the background until such a time has passed that she is more able to deal with it. Pushing this in to her face will only increase resentment instead of acceptance.

Answer 11

Since she is upset that he is moving on so soon after the death, I don't think there is really anything that you can say to her.  I would think that she might resent any words of wisdom coming from you.  Is it possible that the father can pack the mothers belongings up in boxes and store them until the daughter is ready to go through them?  Every one grieves in different ways and experience different phases of grieving at different times.  If the daughter continues to say it is too soon for him to be dating, the best response is "too soon for who?"  But as far as being forced to go through the belongings, maybe they should just get packed up until she is ready.