How would you handle this situation? to curse out or not curse out?

Question

My neighbor invited myl daughter 2 going on 3 in July to a birthday party today, everything was fine until one of the other parents that I didn't know until the party asked me about the birth of my daughter. I then had to explain that my daughter is adopted. although I've had her since birth and I watched her be born I know nothing about actually pushing a baby out of me. she snikered and say" so you don't really know what it's like to be a mother then"? I was shocked I didn't know how to respond to her so I took my daughter and I left. My neighbor later called me and apoligized for her friends behavior and she said that she explained. My mom thinks I should have cursed her out, I don't know I was so upset and hurt that I didn't say a word, I didn't even say good bye. my question is what would you have done? do you think I should call her and ask for an apology? or should I just let it go?

please help my feelings are hurt :(

Answer 1

It was probably wise that you said nothing- because that statement was just plain ignorant- yes, a mother can experience the birth however it does not take given birth to be a mom. Just let it go , my friend- if your neighbor had to apologize for her, then it most likely would be a waste of time. Cursing her out would have just lowered yourself to her level.  If you had said anything, or if you ever have a chance to say anything to her, I would have just said or would say- "I am a mom, thank you very much".  I am both adopted and an adoptive mom- so I know that my mom was my mom and yes, I do know what it means to be a mom.  I can understand your feelings being hurt- but be confident that you truly are your daughter's mom. I had a comment from my sister in law and mother in law- "since you are adopted you cannot understand love" I was upset at that one , however, I realized that they were ignorant.

Answer 2

i would've cursed her out and insulted her parenting

Answer 3

OMG how horrible is this person??!!

You probably know more about being a mother than she will ever know - giving birth does not necessarily make you a good mum!

You are best to let it go though, don't let her nasty ignorance upset you (although i understand why you are upset)

Answer 4

Just let go....u dont need to ask an apology....u are hurt....

but at the same time u dont need to curse..u dont have to prove tht loser what parenting is like...why should you ? you know what you are ...and your daughter knows what wonderful mom u are.......u dont have to give an explaination of what mother's affection is....beacause had she known that she wouldnt have passed a comment like this...

so just ignore !

Answer 5

We can't be held accountable for other people's actions or their lack of sensitivity but we can be totally in control of our own.  I seriously doubt you would feel better cursing her out, that would be like her winning, I guess my handling of the situation would have been to use my intellect, (which I tend to do when caught offguard) to my advantage.  I would strongly advise her that although I have not physically birthed a child, statistics show through teen pregnancies,and other undesirable scenarios like birthing teens putting babies in trash cans or crack addicted moms in a drug induced stupor selling their babies for their next fix had babies pass through their birth canals, as we all can clearly see does not a mother make.  Leave it go and be the better person that you already know you are...I know it hurts but you will get stronger, as we have lots of idiots such as that person in this world, just know that, " You are a mother and that baby is loved"!

Answer 6

Dad's answer here.

" I know nothing about actually pushing a baby out of me." I don't either so does that make me not a "real father?" BS to that. So many women only have C sections - are they not real moms. This B#$%# just wants to brag about having twins. My wife went into labor with these words on her lips both times "I want my epidurel". Her pain was minimal at best. "I have had worse pap smears" were her exact words.

Cussing this person out does no good. YOU are a mom if, you have held a child that hurt from an ear infection, Cleaned p**p that was so bad it leaked out of her diaper. Had a child scream bloody murder at you because you said "No or don't do that". YOU are a REAL mom if your child kisses you at night and says I love you mommy, or apologizes for doing something wrong, or is glad to see you when you pick them up from play school.  Take joy in the fact that by adopting you took the job from some woman who could give birth but not parent. Take joy from the fact that this persons identity is tied to a multiple birth while yours is tied to loving unconditional a person you made a choice to hold and love, and go through life with. I am a stay at home father, but that chick is lucky she wasn't in ear shot of me when she said that to you. I am not a mom but I have been a "mom" in every one of those situations.  Don't waste your time, love your child and be the mom that you are! PS my daddys girl  is the best thing that happeened to me, and my son is #2.

Answer 7

You've done a wonderful job being a mother to your daughter and the fact that you did not have to push her through your birth canal is just a technicality.  The woman that said those hurtful things to you sounds insecure and took way too much pleasure out of putting you down.  She needs help with her self esteem.

If it had been me, I probably would have been shocked speechless, just like you were.  I'm sorry that people can be so thoughless and ugly.

Answer 8

Unfortunately, we adoptive parents get this kind of ignorant response now and then.  In the situation, we feel tongue-tied and once we're out of it, we think of a dozen "zingers" that we could have said.  Some people are really witty and can think on their feet like that.  I'm not one of them.

As to how you handled it, I think you did the right thing, by taking your daughter and going home.  It was an elegant way of expressing your disapproval and I'm sure the neighbor's friend was extremely embarassed.  Maybe next time she'll engage that brain-mouth filter.  

It was neither the time, nor the place, to curse out that other woman.  I also suggest that you try and let it go.  Being so upset about this isn't worth it.  

Like I said, there are people out there that think adoptive parents aren't "real" parents.  That was the first time you ran into one.  It won't be the last.  

Chin up, Mom.  You did fine.

Answer 9

Oh, honey that lady was crazy!! I don't think cursing her out would have done much, but I do think you could have told her I do not know what you mean, I am a mother in every sense of the word. Perhaps you should get a dictionary and look up the word mother... it doesn't translate "labor pains". Don't worry about her... that was a completely ignorant remark. Hold your head high and know you are a great mommy!!

Answer 10

My theory is, that people like that stupid woman should have to go through the home studies, the parenting courses, the background checks, have strangers interview her, and do all the work that adoptive parents do, before being able to give birth.  I'd bet she couldn't pass the intelligence test with them!

I went to a shower and had a similar experience, although I've also been blessed with a now 19 year old I did give birth to, and my 8 months old adopted son.  I say the adopted one took longer, (the first mom lived with us, and I waited on her hand and foot for everything while she was pregnant, and she almost gave birth at home.  She went from no pains to 4 pains in 3 minutes in less than 20 minutes!  I swear it hurt me more than it did her.

Answer 11

This is pure ignorance.   I think you did the mature thing to have started a cat fight or cussing war would not have been wise even more in front of your child. Perhaps you could have said other then not carrying and birthing your child you do everything else that any mother does for their child.

As far as an apology one should apology because they realize they were wrong not because someone asks them to do it.  Unless this lady sees the error of her ways I would not hold my breath.

Answer 12

hi.

although i am not an adoptive parent (and have strong opinions against adoption practices in the US) i do NOT condone people being stank!

now, should you have "cussed her out?"  no. not in front of children. also, it's clear that she views "mothering" through the "lens of physical pregnancy and delivery." just as some who adopt view mothering through the lens of "who takes care of the child."  ok. that fine.

-------------------------

i recently had a similar expererience that i hope you don't mind me sharing:  last weekend, was my baby shower (i'm 36 weeks pregnant). and a friend of my husband's is a mother by adoption (foster-adoption).  during the party, the ladies started sharing labor and delivery stories, including the graphic description of episiotomies, defecation, not caring who was in the room....you get the point.  i knew that this woman had not experienced delivery, hence, i changed the subject, and began talking about college savings. it was less about me, and more about this woman who was obviously uncomfortable with this convo.

now, although i can "empathize" i'd like to say that i have attended "adoption showers" where amoms are "bragging about how good they look so soon after birth" or joking about "giving birth to a 9 lbs kid...withougt stretch marks or an episiotomy."  to me these are equally as offensive. so much so that i stated once, "yeah, and it's been 3 days and your b***s are not engorged with milk...wow...how'd that happen?" BTW, this mom was trying to abreastfeed and not successful. hence, she was totally shut down my my comment.  so much so that she confronted me, in private.  and then i confronted her about how insensitive it is to make light of the physical conditions of pregnancy, labor/delivery and post-partum body image.

my belief.  there willl always be insensitive people in the world. and as adults it's totally up to us to find mature ways to defuse them. it might be that you call this woman on the phone and remind her that not everyone builds their family through pregnancy, and you were gravely offended by her comments.

be well...

Answer 13

i think u should really call them and ask for an apology. they have no right to make fun of u and talk about how u "don't know what it likes to be a mother" so what?! i think adopting is just as good as having one. adopting actually saves a child's life...

Answer 14

While I'm the adoptee, not the adoptive parent, I feel pain for what you were put through by that crude woman.  Your mom is wrong to tell you to curse out such a rude person.  

You responded quite well, as did your neighbor who called you to apologize for the crude way you were treated.  Given the fact that you were in shock, you did the best thing you could do.  You left.  You don't need to allow yourself to be abused verbally by anyone.  

You also could have just ignored her and talked to everyone else.  

If the situation ever happens again, try to calmly say one of the following:

"why would you make such an untrue, hateful comment?"

or

" while I don't know the experience of giving birth, I DO know the experience of being a loving, caring mother and a courteous person, unlike you."

or

"are you verbally abusive to all adoptive parents, or am I the first?"

or

"spoken like a true uneducated person.  I hope you learn that raising your child in loving fashion is what makes a woman a mother."

and then you calmly stare her down, because you've made it quite clear how rude she was.  And unlike her, you didn't lower yourself.  Cursing would lower you.

Thank you for not cursing.  True, she deserves it, but you're better than that.  You don't want to lower yourself to her level.  

cw

Answer 15

just let it go...u did the mature thing my not making an *** out of yourself......what makes her think she can talk like that to you and she doesn't even know you or your situation.....my sister adopted my niece(because she couldn't have kids) and i think she's that best mother out of all of us (it's five of us).....I'm pretty sure your a great mother and don't let anyone tell you otherwise just take care of your business.......

Answer 16

U should of cursed her out.....

Answer 17

i would have said, "well apparently i do know what its like to be a mother since i have taken care of this one for 3 years now. i feed her, take care of her, and change her dyper, so fuc* off bitc*." but thats just me. what you did was the right thing, and u did exactly what jesus would have done. so dont feel bad, just let it go, because if you ask for an apology, then she will probly act out at you again, just like she did before.  There are just mean people out there that you shouldnt have to put up with.  Nice job, you handled it well.

Hope i helped. =] =] =]

Answer 18

I would have kicked her a**.

Answer 19

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt. As a mother who lost her only child to adoption maybe you can understand the "other side" when we are called "birth"mothers, as if "pushing the child out" is our only connection to them. It works both ways and everyone eventually gets hurt in adoption, just some more than others. Do you think that these comments hurt you more than actually losing a child to adoption? I'm not saying that to hurt your feelings, but please, put things into perspective!

I feel for you - sort of. Of course you still get the everyday joys that someone else's daughter brings you. I say this tongue-in-cheek and kind of brutally because this is the truth of adoption. She is your daughter and she is also another woman's daughter - this IS the truth of adoption.

Answer 20

No, cursing stupid people only makes us more like them.  She is not a person important to your life so don't let her take any more of your time and energy.

If this happens again with someone else, a simple "that's none of your business" woudl suffice, or if she says 'you doh't know what it's like to be a mother" I would say "I am sorry your view of the world is that small" and leave it at that.

People will always be ignorant, but we can't let them let us feel less than, just because we formed our families different than they have.

Take care!

Answer 21

tsk tsk no cursing in front of the kids.   I would, however, have given her a poke in the eye when nobody was looking.

Life is full of horrid people who don't think before they open their mouths.   It's hard to think of anything to say when your right there on the spot.  Try having a few pre-prepared phrases that you can draw from next time someone says something like that.

Sometimes I find the easiest way is to simply say "I disagree" and walk away.   It's simple and they can't argue with you.

Try not to stew on it too long.  Take care.

Answer 22

why was she asking about the birth. did she want to know the details or something.

Answer 23

I have a wicked temper so i would've pointed out (ever so sweetly)  what a twit she was by assuming that pushing out a child makes you a mother. By that reasoning i would assume that her parents are probably related.  

Don't let her comments hurt you. Clearly she has the IQ of a post. And how sad for her children. You have the same legal rights as a mother as she does. Any GOOD mother knows that labour is the easiest part of "motherhood". You skipped the easy bit & jumped straight in to the tough stuff that makes you one of the bravest peopl i know. Be proud of yourself for not slapping her (can't say i would've had the control).

What a lucky daughter you have.

Cheers

Answer 24

I totally understand why your feelings are hurt.  I mean that was a totally uncalled for comment that just shows what kind of mental state that woman must be in.. for some strange reason some mothers are/seem very spiteful towards other women to somehow try to make themselves feel better.  I know this having 4 sisters and it even happens with them at times. Being a mother doesn't have to come from the physical pushing in labor.  I believe it can come from inside the person with the desire to be a mother.  I am a mother of two, and my children are "taken away" right now, so I constantly have to feel the jealousy inside myself now for not having my own children, but I still try to keep it in perspective on how to be a woman vs. a catty,little child/girl that doesn't know how to deal with things and emotions.  I don't think you should call and ask for an apology because it might be ingenuine and may cause further strain. I think u should accept your friends apology though.  I think u did what was right for u and your daughter and that is commendable in itself, so Congrats, sound like ur a good Mom!

Answer 25

If someone would have said that to me I think I would have had to respond with " and your just looking for attention. "  Whether I left after that or not would be dependent on how angry I was, but I'd probably stay and just not listen to her story. After it was over I might ask if she was done seeking sympathy. I'd probably ask if she was planning on having more children, so everyone can look forward to another of her personal stories at a childrens birthday party. But that's just me.

Answer 26

I hate to say it, but this is the sort of ignorance you and your daughter will be dealing with now. Some people just don't get it.  Your daughter will probably hear just as ignorant comments growing up. My son is constantly told how "grateful" he should be for being adopted. It is frustrating, but your daughter will take the lead from you. However you deal with it is how she will eventually deal with it.  So, you did the right thing by being the bigger person and just walking away.

And I would not call her for an apology. I honestly don't think she sees what she did as wrong.

Your daughter now has two mothers. The one that actually "pushed her out" and the one that is raising her.

Answer 27

According to this woman, others who deliver by c-sections aren't mothers either.  Be prepared, you'll be getting a lot more of this.  Your DD will be watching you and how you react.  I think its best that you just get your daughter and remove yourself.( I might have added an "How Rude" comment before leaving) I wouldn't waste your time asking for an apology, clearly she doesn't get it.   I would not subject my child to a party that this ignorant woman will be though.  Who knows what else will come out of her mouth.

I have learned to not curse these ignorant people out b/c their comeback comments are usually intended to hurt your child.  They don't care what they say in front of your children.

This is also some insight into what your daughter will be facing at school someday.  Adoption is your daughter's story to tell.  Honor that and don't explain yourself or your family to anyone, especially in front of her.  You can say, "I tend not to discuss this matter in front of my child".  That usually works.  Or I just give yes or no answers with no explanations.

You know i haven't used this book in awhile but "wise-UP" adoption book was good just for the quick one liners kids could use to diffuse adoption questions.  Good Luck.

Answer 28

As much as you would have had the temporary satisfaction of putting an idiot in their place by cursing her out - you handled it better - you left and took your daughter with you.  The fact that the neighbor called to apologize was nice, and proves the woman is a problem.  I wouldn't call this idiot for an apology though.  You'll only end up more aggravated about it.  Just because you are not the birth mother, doesn't make you any less of a mother to your daughter.  This "person" was rude, inconsiderate, thoughtless, and obviously jealous.  Forget about it and avoid this person.  You handled it with class - and that's important, especially in front of your daughter.  Obviously it must be a known fact that this other woman is an a'hole and doesn't need confirmation from another person about it.

Answer 29

Its always better to be the bigger person. I don't think I would have cursed her out but I would have been a smart *** right back and said. *no I am a  MOTHER! My husband just got to keep my Va J J intact and my thighs which you, well obviously See you at PTA* and walked away.

Ugh I hate ignorant people like that. They don't seem to understand that raising an adopted child is So much more challenging and takes so much more talent than just pushing one out and saying YEAH I'm a mom!

You have to bond, deal with unknown genetics etc... s***w her!