How would you rate this writing from my sixteen year old?

Question

“Hey!” He was not trying to hold back his grin “I was looking around and feeling kind of lonely and then I saw you and was like ‘There’s my people!”

This is where he knew something was crooked. Sometimes I slipped into silence but I always giggled at his jokes.

I stared so hard he blurred.The only thing I could make out was his hair, it had grown back so fast.

“Shandy?” Something was strange about the way he spoke; I had never heard concern in his voice before. His arm was a white blur, closer and closer, reaching for my shoulder. I screamed a shriek that startled even me. The glaze broke off my eyes and as soon as his fingers touched me every touch came back. This time I would fight, this time I wouldn’t sulk and sob, this time I would do it right. My knuckles popped his lip. The red was bright and smeared on my right hand. I started with my left, alternating hands with sporadic slaps and hits. My eyes were dripping water, I couldn’t see his face and I was glad I couldn’t.

Answer 1

brilliant.

Answer 2

Very good, but when someone is speaking, quotation marks need to be used; apostrophes for contractions, etc.

For example: "Shandy?" Something was strange about the way he spoke. I had never heard concern in his voice before..."Did he touch you?"

contractions: wouldn't instead of a space between the n and t

(wouldn t); couldn't instead of couldn t; "There's my people."

Some people think it is easier to just forget the punctuation when writing, but if it wasn't necessary, the keys wouldn't be on the keyboard.  :)  You see what I mean?? Teachers, especially if this is for an English class or creative writing class, will mark points off if it is not used and say you have "run-on sentences"--the kind that keep going and no one knows where they end.  Other than that, the story sounds interesting--thank God someone knows how to spell!!  LOL