How would you react if your mother did this?

Question

My sister and my matron of honor are planning a luncheon/shower for me this weekend. My sister told me that my mother at first refused to come, and that she had to talk her into it. Mom is upset because this will be my third wedding. I did not have showers with either of the others. I tried to tell my sister and my friend that I really didn't need a shower. I have my own home and don't really need anything. But they have decided that we need to celebrate my wedding with other girlfriends.

Also, Mom is upset because my fiance and I have planned a church wedding with a cake reception. Again, she keeps reminding me that this is my third wedding. My first was at a very young age, when we didn't understand the seriousness of the commitment. My second ended when he cheated on me and became physically abusive. I have tried to tell my mother that I don't think she would have wanted me to remain married to an alcoholic, who drank like a fish every weekend. Nor would she have wanted me to remain married to a man who physically abused me and threatened to kill me. I know I made bad choices earlier in my life, but I am not the same person that I was back then. My fiance has been married once for a very short time.

My fiance and I dated 5 and 1/2 years before he proposed. We do not live together. We have tried to do things the way that God would want for us. And we truly feel that He has been in our relationhip from the beginning and we want to honor that with a ceremony at our church.

My fiance and I are paying for everything ourselves. We have gone through pre-marital counseling and our minister does not have any problems with performing the ceremony. Our wedding is casual, with just a best man and matron of honor. However, we ended up with probably around 100 guests who will be coming to celebrate with us.

My mother got remarried after my Dad died. When they got married last year, they had their ceremony in a union hall with a sandwich, snacks, beer, wine and cake reception. Her new husband, at one time, was a devout Christian man who was involved in a lot of church activities. He got away from the church and went back to gambling and drinking before he and my mother started dating. By the way, my mother is his 3rd or 4th wife.

I don't understand exactly why my mother feels this way about my upcoming wedding. I often think that it is because her husband has moved away from the church. Or maybe she is envious of the relationship that my fiance and I have with our church family and the fact God is involved in our relationship.

Any idea about what could be the reason for her attitude? And how should I deal with it?

Answer 1

My second wedding is in three months...in a church. ..and I am wearing white! LOL! My first marriage was done Through the courts, and I was young and stupid, and he was a mean drunk. I made a mistake. I have gotten back into a life with Christ, as has my fiance. I know how you feel.

Your mom is wrong on this. She should be happy that you are doing things the right way finally. But don't assume and make yourself mad or bitter. Either ask her about it, or just let it go. Pray about it and give your stress to the Lord. Sometimes parents make mistakes. As long as you are doing things right in His eyes, don't spend so much time worrying about how others are behaving. God Bless you and have a great wedding!!

Answer 2

I think your mother is jealous of you.  

Just enjoy yourself with or with out her support.  If she decides not to come, that is her decision.  Don't let it ruin your day.  It sounds like you have done alot of growing up and have matured and have taken things very slowly and did not jump into anything.  It also sounds like your mother has her own issues that she is dealing with and is not a happy person.  It sounds like she made a mistake by jumping into her 2nd marriage and she is jealous that you are doing it the right way and took your time to really get to know the man that you are marrying.  

Answer 3

As I've told all brides, this is your day and you do what would make you most happy.  You view your shower as a party to celebrate getting married, not for getting more possessions so I think it's a good idea.  It doesn't have to be in a setting where someone would think presents are accepted.

And based on what you've said, your mother is being a bit hypocritical and misunderstanding your situation.  I think a lot of parents have trouble making that leap of thinking that their children are adults.  And i think she might be worried from your previous marriages.  Since she often stresses that this is your third marriage, she is probably worrying that in the eyes of God, your marriage will be invalid, which of course is not true.  So all you can do is sit her down, and ask her why.  That is, if you think she will give you a straight answer.

Answer 4

Ok...so that sounds like a long convoluted story.  I'd be upset to hear she needed convincing, however she's coming.  If you are happy and in love that's all you need.  I know the approval and acceptance of your mother is important but I'm sure she has her own reasons that you may or may not aggree with. Your mother will get over it .  Just enjoy your day this weekend, good luck for your future marriage.  Third time is a charm ? ;)  

Answer 5

Blessings in your new marriage. Love your mother for who she is and not how she is, after all, she is your mother. When she's no longer there you'll have a different appreciation of her. She has her values and you have yours. Other than these occasional get-togethers you live separate lives.

Answer 6

if I remember right you're not doing the big white wedding thing either, it's subdued and totally tastefull for a second or third marriage....

Hard to say what's motivating her, Hon....I could understand if you were doing the big white virginal gown & veil with the bride's maids and all but you aren't so I honestly don't see the big deal.....

Just go ahead with your plans......if your sister & MOH want to throw a shower that's fine it isn't as if you're asking for one....maybe they can make the gifts more personal ones rather than the bed linens & bath towel stuff......I think Mom will eventually come around...just don't push it....good luck.

Answer 7

It could be any of the reasons you gave or a number of others.  Unfortunately, some people are very critical of others without taking a look at themselves first!  That could be the case here.  And mothers are typically very critical of their daughters.  Perhaps she is unhappy and is really only thinking she doesn't want you to end up unhappy too.

I would give her intentions the benefit of the doubt until she gives you reason to think otherwise.  

And although it is painful, I would at least keep trying to include her in the planning and celebrating.  Then you can later say that you did your very best and handled the situation with grace.  

Answer 8

ignore her. once she sees how happy the two of you are on your wedding day and how well things work out is when you will be able to prover to her how you feel. until then im sorry she is doing this to you.

Answer 9

that is way too long to read.

but im guessing, uuhhh id feel bad if my mom did this...?

Answer 10

some people are very old school and believe that second, third marriages should be a low key affair. I feel bad that it is your mother giving you grief tho.My mother gave me trouble with everything i had planed for my wedding :(  I just ignored her and went about my business , after all it is my day!

if you are close enough to her, i would come out and ask her what it is!