How would you respond to this?

Question

I found myself getting into an argument this weekend with a family member about how my husband and I would be handling things when we do have a placement. She had made a comment about rushing over here as soon as we got home, and how she couldn't wait to "smother the child with hugs and kisses." While I appreciate that my family is so supportive of our adoption, I did say - in a totally gentle way - "Well, for a while, we're going to have to limit the amount of visitors, and will be trying very hard to not overwhelm them." She flipped out on me! Kept saying that I needed to not treat them differently, that if we were giving birth to a child, we wouldn't be "keeping the family away." I tried to explain, in the simplest terms possible - that adoption is different from giving birth, and that when we bring our child home - while we're going to love them, and be their parents, in truth we'll be complete strangers to them. She basically turned that into I was a horrible, unfeeling ...

Answer 1

I believe u should get to know the child first before u let other people u are right it is different then having your own baby cause you didn't hold her/him in your stomach for nine months. You just went to where u are adoption from and brining  home somebody else's baby who can' take care of it so u are going to be the mother of the child now and depending on the age u two need to form a bound before other family members come over If the baby is really young still it is not that hard as it is if adopting say a child who is 3 or so.

Answer 2

Listen to Phil. He's dead on.  Maybe that family member should be on the last to introduce list at least until she/he can comprehend what your saying.

Answer 3

It may help to show your family member some reading on the topic and to tell her it's recommended by your social worker.  That may help her to feel more like it's about the child and not about closing her out.  Best of luck.  I hope your family member will come to some acceptance and not continue to give you a hard time about this, but stick to your guns.  You are right.

Answer 4

I agree with you. In an adoption there is no biological bond, and you need to take whatever time you need for you and your child to get to know each other. You are strangers at first!

I am pretty sure there is literature available regarding this as well, as I seem to recall seeing it mentioned online (mostly wrt to older child adoptions, but still!).

You can blame "the experts" and just tell people you are following their advice.

Answer 5

Hmmmm, well, she said that you shouldn't treat an adopted child any differently, right?  How about telling her that this is how you would handle having ANY child...that you feel there needs to be an adjustment time with the parents before having visitors over.

I actually tend to believe this to be true.  When someone has a baby, the first thing everyone does is rush to the hospital and hang out for hours chatting and holding the baby.  I personally, think it is VERY disruptive to the bonding process between the new parents and the baby.  I don't know how old a child you're planning to adopt, but I think it should apply to any age.  

So the next time she flips out and accuses you of treating the child differently, don't try to explain your reasoning, just say, "No we aren't, this is exactly what I would do if I were to give birth."

ETA:  I like ladybbrn's suggestion a lot.  Saying something like "Well, the experts say..." or "The social worker says..."  will usually stop most people dead in their tracks, lol!

Answer 6

I agree with your rational actually.  The night we brought our 4 day old foster daughter, now 4 month old adopted daughter, home we had numerous friends who wanted to come over and see her.  Our family is in a whole other area of the country so they were not a factor.

We just very politely and respectfully stated to the friends that we would prefer to have a few days to allow her to get settled before she was crowded with people.  They understood and things were fine.  If they had not understood then that would have just been too bad for them.  

Good luck.  It's going to be a rocky ride unless they understand your rules and the reasons for them.

Answer 7

you shouldnt keep family away from a child no matter if u adopt or give birth.you want them to know extended family as well just not you

Answer 8

Print some internet articles out about adoption being overwhelming for a child.  It's basically like taking her, and putting her on a foreign planet, where she doesn't know how people react, where in the past she'd experienced violence and God knows what else.  A child doesn't know how to act, they've been displaced from everything they know.  Explain to her simply, if you don't respect our wishes, and continue to act irrationally, we'll not be able to include you in this child's life at all.  She/he just wouldn't know how to take the smothering.  

Also, good luck with your adoption!  I know I have been so blessed with my son, and I pray that he feels the same way through his life.  You are a special person who is looking into the needs of the child, and don't let her tell you otherwise.  And, at least your relative isn't shunning the child just because she/he is adopted.  I've seen that happen.

Answer 9

....I have not adopted a child...so I can not answer your question directly...However, when my husband and I had our twins....we limited family contact for the first few weeks....I didn't feel selfish (although our mothers played the guilt trip for weeks)...I felt like I was their mother and he was their father and we wanted to define our family....I don't regret my choice, nor did I then....they have a healthy, happy relationship with their grandparents now...You need to do what makes you and your husband happy....the rest will fall into place...good luck to you....

Answer 10

I understand and agree that you need time to bond and your child will need time to adjust.

But your family will be a part of that child life also, maybe you can allow the family a brief visit, not all at once, see how your child does, and go from there.

Answer 11

"We want a chance to get to know one another first.  This could be a traumatic time for the child, and we want to give him or her a chance to settle in first.  To get to know us.  And for us to get to know him or her."

I think you are dead on right.  I'm sorry your family (at least one member of it) can't or won't understand.  Do what you think is right.  But all you can do is try to explain why you think this way.  One would hope they would respect your wishes here.

Good luck.

Answer 12

especially if the child is older than 2, i would keep everyone away for a week so that the child can get used to you, and then start inviting a couple people over at a time.  Let EVERYONE know that, yes you are excited about the adoption, but you want the child to be as comfortable as possible and introduce them to just a few people at a time.  I would start with grandparents and then go on to aunts and uncles and then friends and other relatives.  

However, if the child is under 2 yrs old, i wouldn't worry so much about it - they aren't as set in their ways and their memories haven't latched on as much as that of an older child.

Good luck and congrats!!!

Answer 13

I totally understand how you feel. It is a lot for the child to take in not to have 20 to 30 more straners in there face. How old will the child be. Take that into consideration. Then decide how to limit people. just tell her how would you like it if you were take to a new placew with new people and put on display with people in your face contiuosly. Maybe then she will get it.

Answer 14

Baby or not adoption literature very clearly states that allowing the baby time to attach to you first is integral to their emotional health and well being.

Their is a misconception that babies don't feel the loss and anxiety older children do. It's been said it's not to the same extent but none the less, it is still a loss.

However at the end of the day it doesn't matter what any of us think or they think...You've made your decision and she has no right to question it.

I can share with you our plan for this very same debate...

We plan to have a party for everyone to come see our baby when we get home and then ask for privacy for a few weeks. No phone calls, no visits, nada. That way they get to meet our baby, but we also get our bonding time.

My husband is also adamant about only us being the ones to hold our child. In supporting this we've drafted it into our invitation to the party. We've very clearly stated that while we're so excited to have our child meet the family we've decided that only we'll be holding them and this is the attachment theory we've decided to use. We've asked them to support us and our child in this very special and delicate time.

I'm sure some feelings will be hurt, but at the end of the day bruising someone's ego, or sense of entitlement is not my concern, the emotional health of our baby is.

Answer 15

I am inclined to agree with you 110% if the child is older.

BUT if it is a baby, family are complete strangers even when you have given birth to that baby so I think limiting visitors isn't necessary for a baby.

On a side note, you have every right to tell this person to "back off" if they are visiting and frightening your child by mauling them.

Answer 16

Well, if it's a baby i dont see it being a big deal...

Just be careful turning your back on your family because they just might turn their back ON YOU.

My brother was SOOOOOOOOO funny acting when his child was born (His biological child) that he didnt invite his family over for months. by the time he invited me to see his son, i didnt care to. it's been 2 years and i still havent seen my nephew, nor do i care to

Answer 17

Wholelottacats,

You need to trust your gut.  You always make me smile cause you are going to be the BEST adoptive mom!  You know i feel a sickness coming on for your family:)  We did the same thing and most people totally understood.  For the ones that didn't, you are welcome to come over but we were up all night puking.  It must be the flu.  

DD did have Hep A and we were quarantined by the state for a month.  (mainly in third world countries) but she may not know that.  Just throwing it out there.

I know you can only fend them off for so long.  When she does come over, have the visit at your house and put a time limit on the visit.  I found that DD was very comfortable with just about anything as long as it was in her home and with us nearby.  Best of Luck:)

Answer 18

We sent out a "form letter" explaining, this is the type of family we will have, these are our family rules (and this is why).  (We actually only sent it to my parents - but we made it LOOK like we sent it to everyone - because they are physically and mentally abusive, and we wanted to make sure they understood that this isn't acceptable around our kids...so, we were VERY specific about what we deem to be unacceptable behavior.)  My parents often babysit my neices and nephews, and abuse them, so we wanted to make it clear that they will not be babysitting, without hurting their feelings, or directly pointing out that THEY are the people we're worried about.  So, we said in a part of the letter that anyone wanting to babysit would need to be able to follow along with our parenting philosophy (in order to keep consistency) - and that they could start by reading [such and such book] (I forget what it's called...isn't that terrible?  LOL).

Of course, you won't need to send out a letter with the same purpose, but I would recommend going that route - sending a letter that looks like you're sending it to everyone, that states exactly what your needs and expectations are.  I've found that, at least with my psycho relatives (snicker) it helps if they don't feel singled out (even when they ARE).

Answer 19

tell her that this is how my husband and i want to approuch this and it is ultimatly our choice regarless what anyone says..  she already crossed the line by bashing you for approuching it the way you want, so basically anythign you say, she will twist and turn around on you.. do it your own way and she will just have to deal with it.. its your baby not hers anyways.. remember that...

ps.. i know you wanna be nice about it, but remember, she made you feel crappy, which in turn has you on here asking how to settle this.. i dont think she is fretting about how she acts, and you shouldnt eaither... if you and your hubby want to wait on the visters, then you do that.. its your child now

Answer 20

I totally agree with your decision to spend private time with your partner and the child by yourselves to a certain extent.  I do agree with you that adoption is totally different from child birth UNLESS you are adopting a baby - then the time needed to bond will be significantly less - with that being said if you are adopting a child that is over 1 or 2 then yes you need that time to bond and build a relationship with them.  I wouldn't necessarily tell your family member you want no contact for months - I would however tell everyone this is when we are getting our addition and in 3-5 weeks we will be holding a meet the family typed event.  Just explain to this particular family member that this is your child and you want this time to get to know them and them to know you and to be able to put their trust in faith in you no matter what.  Explain to this family member that no one knows what this child has been through and this is a key time for them to build a trusting relationship with the 2 people that are going to be there for them no matter what.  I hope this helps but if there truly is no reasoning with this individual seek some assistance from other family members that do agree with your decision.  best of luck and congrats!

Answer 21

It's your child so your rules, she needs to respect it althought she may not agree with them, also just be like we need to bond with our child first, it will be an adjustment so when we are ready and feel comfortable I will introduce you to him/her at that point.