Question:

How would you say my poem is?

by  |  earlier

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I wrote this last night. I wanted some opinions. thank you.

Also, tell me what you think its about.

She smiles just to hide the tears

The ones streaming down her face

She lies just to make everything seem, okay.

She's dying inside

As she desperately hides

Her feelings are kept away.

He can't seem to help her now

he's hopeless and wonders how

The one he loved got so sick and now

There's no where to run son.

She's lost all direction.

There's no way to save her from

The darkness she has become.

And through all the days

He wishes this was a dream

A fairytale locked away

An ending that had a good name

He fell down so hard

He knew she'd be so proud

Of everything he endowed

For her, his only child

The clock ticks ten and goes

Her sadness builds and shows

Through her sparkling eyes

With every tear she cried

He'd beat himself down,

yell a lot louder,

wished he'd come home.

to let her know she wasn't alone.

He's right there beside her

The breathing gets louder

The words come out faster

And now the end has come to say

that she was

that she is

and always will be

his only child.

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3 ANSWERS


  1. Pretty good just shorten it  


  2. At first, I thought that this poem was about a mother and son... but it's about a father and his one and only daughter. I get the feeling that he's not around much... and that they no longer communicate. He lost her along life's way. She's hurting inside...  as if dying...

    I hope that he reaches her in time.

    Temari

  3. I think it's very good.

    The subject could be anything from a terminal illness to drug addiction to depression.

    It's good to leave a little something for the reader to interpret in his/her own way.

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