How would you tell your children that you're pregnant and you're giving the baby up for adoption?

Question

We are planning to adopt, we are talking with the birth mother, she has 3 children, ages from 9 years and younger. She is wondering how to explain to the children what will be happening?

Answer 1

That's a tough one.  If I were 9 I'd wonder why I was kept when my sibling wasn't.

It will also be tough explaining to your child why s/he "wasn't good enough to keep" (that's how a young adoptee perceives things) while his/her siblings were.

I'd talk to a counselor about this one.

Answer 2

She needs to tell the children the truth for they will hate her when they find out latter. Just like your going to have to tell this child the truth when he or she get's older. Adoption is good as long as it is done right and their is no lies. Since you know the child you are adoption has brothers and sister keep them in touch with your child send them pictures and if you keep them informed they will except it better.

Answer 3

She can tell her kids that she loves the baby as much as she loves them, but you can take better care of the baby and love it just as much. So you are going to take it home.

She only needs to tell the ones old enough to notice that she is pregnant though.

And F the people who say its abandonment. It isn't. It is loving a baby enough to find it a good loving home, rather than kill it to save yourself a few months of discomfort. Good for her!!!

Answer 4

Here's the thing.  She isn't a birthmother.  Not even close to being a birthmother.  She is an expectant mother.  Sure she may have made an adoption and sure she may have been matched with you... but she is still an expectant mother to her baby.  She may or may not place her baby for adoption with you.

If she tells the children that she is placing her baby for adoption to her children, that is just one more way that she is being put between a rock and a hard place for the decision that has to come.  She cannot decide absolutely that she will place her child for adoption until after the baby is born and she is faced with the termination of parental rights forms.

Go into this ethically.  Call her an expectant mother, don't encourage her to make her absolute decision now.  Any less is coercion.

Answer 5

First, do NOT let ANYONE in this category tell you for a minute that you are horrible.  If the family sought you out, then you are doing nothing wrong.  Regardless of what certain people in this category are trying to portray, not all birth/expectant/natural, whatever you want to call them, choose to parent their child.  Every woman has her own choice; it seems that some people in this category tend to forget that.  

If this mother has chosen to make an adoption plan for her child, kudos to her!  I would suggest possibly having her and her children speak to a family therapist (depending on the age of the children).  The therapist may be able to help in this situation.  

The other thing she might tell her children (again depending on the age) is that there is a Mommy & Daddy who cannot have a child and she is going to carry the baby for them.  While it is not the best "answer" to your question, it is better than lying to the children or waiting until the child just isn't there.  But I think the best thing would be to have a counselor become involved.

I know that I'm going to get crucified for my response by others who do not agree with me.  Heck, I hadn't even answered the question yet, and people were making references to my tagline.  But if there is one thing I've learned from adoption and this category is that when people are too shallow to see that every story is different, then they are the ones who lose.  Do not let them get you down or discourage you!  You are doing a wonderful & amazing thing - always remember that.

Good luck & Congrats to you!  Adoption is certainly not an easy journey, but it is worth it all in the end!

Answer 6

She should be counseled on how to keep her baby, not how to give it up. She also needs to counseled in birth control. As a birthmother, I can tell you that most women who give up their babies never fully recover from it and babies who are given up usually suffer from abandonment, and since this is the 4th child, I think that child might think, you kept the first 3, why not me? This is just my opinion!

Answer 7

Tough the most comparable thing I think you can related it to is a woman who is doing a surrogacy and has other children. So you might try and get some opinions or ideas from them, you could do a surrogacy forum board search. I’m sure they will have some ideas.

Answer 8

Just a stab in the dark I have no experience. Maybe she can explain it that she is carrying a baby for someone else. It really wouldn't be lying to them. She can say that the baby is there brother or sister but you will be its mommy. Oh I applaud you you may be saving a life that could have been aborted and your also concerned for the mother.

Answer 9

How about helping her parent instead of taking her child? Then she won't have to explain. It might hurt you, but I know it will hurt her and her children. Adoption for women is most often a permanent solution to a temopary problem.

Answer 10

You say the mother does not have custody of the other children?  If this is so, I think it will make the situation a bit easier.  She can simply tell her kids that the baby is going to be living with you.  Since her kids don't live with her, it shouldn't really be such a shock to them.  

Are you planning on keeping in contact with the siblings?  I highly recomend that you do.  Remember, what is happening in the adoption is not their fault, and it's not your future son/daughter's fault either.  Obviously, they'll never be as close as siblings who are/were raised together, but I do think it's important that they have at least a knowledge of who one another are.  It's your choice though!  

If you do decide to keep in touch with the siblings, then I think it would be a good idea for you to be there when the mother discusses it with them.  That way you can answer any questions they have about what the baby's life will be like, and how/when/if they will get to see him/her.  

I know things are tough, but it may help to remember that for better or worse, families in this day in age are different from what they once were.  As long as love abounds, things can be handled.

Answer 11

you aren't doing anything wrong, you're doing a good thing. i'm adopted myself and i know it is much better than being aborted or being stuck in a family that doesn't want you.

if she doesn't have custody of the kids it will probably be easier.

Answer 12

First, is there no father in the picture? Probably not.

She doesn't have to tell the children anything.  She can say she had a tumor removed.  And had her tubes tied while she was at it.

Answer 13

OK Hun well will there be any visitation??or will this be cut n dry? i am thinking it will be cut n dry so i think i would  say simply an angel has taken the baby to a special place and leave it at that~~`because really there is no rite answer and yes the baby will be going to a very special place~~~i have really been thinking about this long n hard i am a foster mom too so i can relate to many different kinda types of situations make it simple no questions to ask let them believe what ever but you need to be commended for this along with the biological momma too the less talk about it after wards the better ~~`this the only way to not lie nor open the door up to~~~ to many remarks/~~~~~~GOD BLESS

Answer 14

I know what the birth mother is going through.  I gave up a child for adoption.  I had three children at the time under 6yrs of age.  I told them that I was keeping a little baby warm until he was ready to go to his Mommy and Daddy.  It was our job to make sure he had a good home.  I included my kids in the whole process.  As the years have gone by (it's been almost 7yrs) my children have asked me about him, and why I made the choice I made.  I've told them that I knew that I was having a hard time raising my three children alone. I did what I did because I love all four of them, and wanted for all of my children to have the best I could offer them.  And the best I could do for my children was to find my birth son the perfect home.  

7yrs later, I have no regrets.

Don't be discouraged by others!  You and the birthmother are doing the right thing in your situation!

Answer 15

They will never understand.  From a child's standpoint love and abandonment just don't equate

How awful

EDIT:  To its rhea peaa - I know full well it's not 'abandonment'  but whichever way you slice or dice it, that is how it FEELS to the child (I did say how it feels from the CHILD's standpoint - that is SO different than seeing things with adult perspective, believe me)

Answer 16

imagine if you're a child and your mom said, "i've given your baby sister/brother away". imagine what your AC will think when she finds out she has siblings, but she was the only one given away. please help this mom get on her feet. her hormones are whacked and she apparently is going through a rough time. HELP HER. everyone is just setting themselves up for a lifetime of heartache that can never be mended.

Answer 17

How can she be a 'birthmother' if she hasn't given birth?

Greasing the wheels to get that child in your home, eh?  Even micro-managing what she should tell her own children--what business is it of yours?

If you really cared about that child's welfare, you'd put that over driven brain of yours into gear and help this mother figure out how to keep her family together.

Bet after the papers are signed you'll never worry about it again...