Hows my poem?

Question

im a girl lost at sea

im a person with no feelings

if you touch me i will fade

you will watch me everyday

sometimes i move every now and then

but dont get excited im not your friend.............

Answer 1

its good but the only thing is it sound kind of childesh if i were u i would add some challanging words. i think that makes a poem speacial. but thats only me

Answer 2

It's pretty good... I think it needs more linking info though...  but that's just my opinion.

Answer 3

I think you have done a wonderful job of expressing how young people can feel disconnected - "lost at sea" with all the fear that implies and the sense of dread.

The impermanence of our connections in life "if you touch me I will fade" is quite haunting.

You have used repetition beautifully:

Im a girl lost at sea

Im a person with no feelings

You end with the dots - leading to the infinite loneliness of this girl who has no friends and who is so brave and defiant about saying so -

but the reader can feel her loneliness and her unstated wish for something else or someone else with whom to communicate.

I think you will turn out to be a very gifted writer because it seems that maybe you did all of this instinctively.

Join a writers group. You have real talent and should learn how to develop it.

Answer 4

you have to keep in the same subject through out the poem like this

This mask I wear,

he serves me well,

he hides my pain,

so they can't tell.

They see him smile,

never my tears,

he shows no sorrow,

he fights all my fears.

They believe he is me,

if only they knew,

that he is my mask,

my saviour too.

My scars he hides,

behind laughter and lies,

he say's he is fine,

but slowly he dies.

Answer 5

It's alright. I don't really like the first or last lines.

Answer 6

Being stranded is

like lost at sea

You must have been abused

because of the line if you touch me

I will fade.

The last line says it best

because don't get excited

I am not your friends.

or there is a control freak

Everyone has feelings

some people hurt more easily than others.

Answer 7

umm it's "ok" it's just not for me i guess

Answer 8

umm...it's ok, but I wouldn't say it's great! it doesn't really make sense...like when your talking about watching you every day, but then you move on to the fact that i'm not your friend? that doesn't make sense..it kinda sounds like if someone is stalking you or something..try to stick with one subject at a time...=]