Hows my story so far: Azzy stories first chapter?

Question

It is said that theirs is a time in a person’s life when they start living. For some it’s when there born and others it’s near their death, but for me it’s at my sixteen years of living, and at this time I really needed a change. Right now I’m on my way to see my future step- dad. Mom says he’s a musician just like me. Wrong! He’s nothing like me he’s does those stupid theme song for those g*y cereal ads. That’s nothing like what the sounds I make. Mom basically insulted me by comparing me to him. Back to the present were walking up to his door he has retarded lawn gnomes in his yard I didn’t think they made those things anymore. “Hey lookie here it’s the Azter nice to ya.” Hold up did this guy just call me Azter that’s the lamest nickname I ever heard like with Azzy queen of the Asses, Azbeen, and my full name Azshygirlz ( I know it sucks) This guy just earned him self a strike. “Come to Papa” Strike two “Gimme a hug” Strike three he’s out of here. If there’s on thing to know about me I so don’t do hugs

“May I go to my room now” I asked my mom (notice that I didn’t ask the owner of the house who was way out of strikes.)

“Why don’t you ask Bruce” said my so not helping mother. You know for the name Bruce you expect a big guy with a lot of muscle, but not this Bruce he was such a string bean, shot Sanjaya has more Muscle mass then him. That’s not very good if you ask me. I turn to my Steppy who was still in the position for a hug witch he was so not going to get.

“May I go to my room now?”

“Not until I get my hug

“If’ that’s the case then I’ll sleep out here with the teletubies

“Ha, ha a great sense of humor, I love it

“Actually you only have five senses and humor’s not one of them.”

“Wow were the do you get these jokes”

“Jokes R us”

“Beautiful, beautiful come on inside. The phone started ringing when we entered.

“Azzy could you answer that, thank you.” What am I a secretary, he better not get used to this.

“Talk to me” I said in to the phone.”

“Hi I’m from the Greenfield’s incorporated and I would like to see if you were in interested in our lawn service we come to your house Three day’s out of the week to cut your grass tend to you plant we even do gardens for extra cost. So what do you think?”

“I don’t have a lawn” I lied while looking at that green in front of me through a thick plane glass window with ugly olive green curtains what was he thinking when he bought those.

“You don’t have lawn?” Said the caller sounding confused

“Not a pitch of green a round here, so we don’t need your service

“Okay then bye

“Whatever” It so so fun to lie to those idiots who try to sell you c**p it’s so fun, with tee-peeing old lady houses, and stage diving.

“Oh Azter I still didn’t get my hug”

“And you still won’t if you keep calling me that.” This guy doesn’t know who he’s messing with.

Today Mom dragged me to the mall for some stupid mother, daughter time. Were at Abercrombie and Finch, She loves this store even though she to big breasted and wide hipped to fit into any of the clothes.

“Isn’t this the cutest pair of jeans pair of jeans you ever seen?”

“Their alright” I say. I actually love those jeans but to keep up we don’t have anything in common thing going I lie. “Can we go to Hot Topic now?” My mother frowns she hates that store. She says that those clothes in there are not appropriate to wear outside in public, but I don’t give Frick I’ll go their anyway.

“Not until you try these pants on. They’ll look so fab on you” she says. They’ll look so fab on you don’t you hate it when Adults that are so out try to be in. There should be a law against that.

“Go on Azzy try them on the dressing rooms are this way.” I trudged my way to the dressing room were this brunette girl was standing.

“Hi do you need a dressing room come on in I’ll get on for you” said the girl. I hate when they act all excited about it. It’s just a dressing room it’s not like I’m going to a party

“Sure” She opened the room.

“Have a good time”

“Okay” What the heck have a good time? What does that even mean? Why would I have a good time? She has a problem. I pulled the pants over my hip buttoned them up, and looked in the mirror. I didn’t look bad, but who I am kidding I look great. They make my hips, legs and Abs look good.

“Azzy try this shirt on” She left it on top of the door. It was a pink tee with Abercrombie and Finch. It’s on it. That’s what I hate about this store the name is right on it. It’ either say Abercrombie, Abercrombie and Finch, or just Finch everybody knows wear you shop at cause it says so on your shirt that why I only buy jeans here cause their names on the label and nobody looks their. I tried the shirt on I looked good in it but it’s just not my thing.

“Sweetie come on out” and I did

“You look cute those jeans really show off your bootee” She says giving it a slap”

“Mom don’t do that it’s so gay”

“Isn’t that in a song doesn’t go like this? Them baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps, with straps. She turned around and gave that big booty a smack ayy she hit the flo; she hit the flow next thing you know shawty got low, low, low, low. Low, low, low, low.” She did the dance to as she sang and boy did do it wrong half of the store was watching and I think I saw a guy video taping it

“Mom stop it your embarrassing you self let’s pay for the jeans and let’s go.

“You don’t want the shirt?”

“I’ll get one at Hot Topic”

“Alright get out of those so I can pay for them. I headed back it to the room to change as I was changing I might want to find that guy with the camera phone.

Answer 1

I started reading your story, and thought the first few opening sentences were brilliant, but then the b-itching started. I am not one for reading about a 16 old's life who complains about all these little things, for no apparent reason. Had you wrote about why the girl in this story is so dramatic, and discomforted by her reality, before making her so, I may have felt sympathy for her instead of a disdain. I do understand that you don't like Bruce, but I don't really understand why.

If some one called me a made up nick name I would not throw a pissy fit over it. Sorry, can't relate.

So I stopped reading as soon as I hit strike three, which was hilarious, but very alien to way in which I would have acted in that situation. I thought to myself what am I getting from reading this story, besides a dislike for the main character's attitude, and I concluded nothing.

I think that any girl in America could get into this story/diary entry, but it's just not interesting to me.