Hows this for a poem?!!?

Question

He broke through the confines of the dense forest, like a bird freed from a cage.

Under the cloudless sky, running harder now,

with the moonlight dancing on the water and the wind playing in his hair.

He felt carefree and easy, as he leaped with the wind,

carrying himself across the ocean under the stars.

Falling into oblivion, into the dark, into the blackness below,

Twisting like a ballerina on stage, his toes stretching towards the sky, his arms reaching down to the water.

The water, cashing against the rocks reaching up to claim him as its own.

And he plunged into the water. It wrapped it self around his body and stung his bare skin with its icy fingertips, lashing out against him. And he let it claim its prize for a moment all too happily before he would do it all again.

Do you like it?

Yeah, its just a poem i had to write for my English homework.

Is it any good??

Anyway way. Hi. Raa.

Answer 1

i like the poem its really good call it ocean line  

Answer 2

The poem is wow! I would title it A MAN ON FIRE cos i noticed the speed with which he ran to the ocean and the way the water lashed out on him.

Answer 3

good job!

Answer 4

Hey, remember me lol.

I think it's a really great poem.  One tip though.  Where it says:

And he plunged into the water. It wrapped it self around his body and stung his bare skin with its icy fingertips, lashing out against him. And he let it claim its prize for a moment all too happily before he would do it all again.

I think it should be "he".  You're alternating between "it" and "he" in this stanza and it kinda takes away the mood.

Otherwise I like it.

Hope you get an A. =]

Answer 5

I think it's great!

And you're right, it reminds me of Edward & Bella

Sorry, I can't think of a name for the poem right now.

Answer 6

Great job, you should really submit it to http://www.papertank.com and see what they think.

I bet you could get a high rating for it on there!

Answer 7

I really like this poem, you said it wasn't as good as mine, but I am not so sure, this is written in a different style, and is very good indeed!  Keep it up!

Answer 8

I like it - very good

how about

high runner ??

Answer 9

A fluent, consistently vivid series of images that holds the reader's attention throughout the changes and flying, balletic movement.

As an experiment, why not try writing it out with shorter lines?

The third stanza especially would gain from eye-catching words (like "stung") appearing at the beginning or end of a line.

Go on, try it!

Answer 10

Yea, It's really good. I was thinking of a name but I can't so Sorry.

Answer 11

Hi

yes really like it, well done.

Answer 12

For a name try Running Towards The Ocean In Darkness.

Here are my grammatical suggestions. On this part-reaching down to the water. Try reaching down towards the water or reaching towards the water. On this part (The water, cashing against the rocks reaching up to claim him as its own) remove the. On this part (And he plunged into the water. It wrapped it self around his body and stung his bare skin with its icy fingertips, lashing out against him. And he let it claim its prize for a moment all too happily before he would do it all again) you should make all the verbs in this section either all past, present, or future but not a combination. I think the easiest way to do this is to change lashing to lashed and change he let it to claim to he allowed it to claim and he would do it all again to he did it all again. All the verbs in each section need to be all past, present or future but you can decide which one you would prefer to use. I hope this helps. By the way I do like your poem. Good Work!

Answer 13

Disciple of the Witch

Answer 14

im not just returning your answer (which i thankyou for btw) but im also going to say...

you will get a good mark for this peice.

great imagery, fantastic fluid descriptions and a lovely, almost tranquil mood is created from the poem, when the actual act of sky-diving seems anything but. I love the image of the water 'wrapping' itself around the jumpers body. I enjoyed reading this.

great job keep it up and im sure stephanie meyer will be running to you so that she can help you write and publish your book =]

Answer 15

Hello there.

NOTE: This is just my personal opinion.

I loved the poem, and it has excellent imagery! It is beautiful.

Just a suggestion though: make sure that your lines have a rhythm to it. So to do that, maybe you can shorten the longer lines a bit? Or make them into seperate lines? Just a suggestion.

Other than that, it is a beautiful poem written by an eloquant author! Good job. You have a lot of potential, from what I see, and it is evident in your poetry. Keep up the amazing work! I am sure you will pass your English homework with flying colors!

I hope this helps. Good work, and good job!