Hows this poem ?

Question

Coffee stains on the carpet

Ganga smells float

as clouds through

his women is a teaser

His Bedroom

Light filters

Coloured patterns

On his wall

Cars toot horns

Outside

People in throngs

Walk in the

Market place

Coconut trees

Sway in the heat breeze

One cool dude with dreadlocks

Combs another joint

Listens to Rasta vibes

party on high through his speakers

he walks around

in sneakers

Morning looks mighty

Fine outside

Thinks he’ll later

Take a wander

Down town

Jamaican style

With his hot women

By his side

They all watch him

Move like a leopard child

With a cool smile

On his dial

Answer 1

I think its the best!

Answer 2

I can see much of this so I think that means it works.  I have some questions about technique. I really think you need to be consistent with your caps. In this kind of piece it's a handy way to create sentence like pauses if you cap the first word of what would basically be a sentence if written in prose.  Look at all your line breaks, there are a few that I question being as they are. Mostly it's that single word line "outside" that I think might be best dropped.  You use "outside" farther down and the first use seems ambiguous. I can't seem to make sense out of lines 3 & 4. Are those all the words you meant to use?  The sensory aspect of the poem is really good.  I see the setting, feel the heat, see the character. The occasional internal and end rhymes work well, I think.  The only other question I have is in the third line from the end, rhyme or not, I don't think "child" fits your picture very well and would drop just that word.  Keep up the good work.

Remember, all critique is opinion. This is mine. You may use it, lose it, or give it to Goodwill.

Answer 3

Your structure could use some improving for ease of reading but for content, I loved your poem because it is transporting and that's a very good thing.  It's what poetry is all about and what it's supposed to do.