Hubby's friend situation..Is it wrong to be upset?

Question

Now my hubby (We got married 2 weeks ago) has this friend. They have been friends since very little. My hubby is actually best friends with that guy's brother. Since they were all about the same age, he is close to both of them. This friend got married two years ago and my hubby was one of his groomsman. We were both students at that time and were living off of my financial aid which left us only 9 grand/year after paying tuition. So yeah, we were very poor but my hubby paid for his own tux and we got them a gift for around 100 bux which was a very big money for us at that time. We were very happy to do that because it was one of his close friends. Of course, his parents went to their wedding too and got them a big gift. When they had a baby a year ago, my MIL and I went to the baby shower and got them a lot of gifts. We weren't really expecting a big gift from them when we got married since they do not make as much as we do. But that friend's entire family were invited and all seven of them came with one card signed by all of them and 100 bux in there. Yeah, people do say that you aren't suppose to expect a gift and be grateful when you do, but it just seems like they really did skimped on the gift. Now my hubby is kinda disappointed and so am I. When he asked that guy to be part of the wedding, he refused saying that he needs to look after his baby with his wife. To me, it seems like that guy doesn't think of my hubby as that close friend as my hubby does about him. Are we weird to feel this way? What do you think about this situation?

Answer 1

You did say they are in a different financial situation than you.  Yes it sucks, but you also don't know every detail about how they are all spending money.  Do they have car payments?  Mortgage?   Other loans?  Plus with a new baby they are spending more than they did as a couple.  Yes it might seem weird that seven people get you a card and $100, but I think you should accept it and be grateful.  Send them a nice note saying what you did with the money, ex, "bought some kitchen supplies" or "put it towards the mortage".  That will make them feel appreciated, and they will continue to be kind to you.

I definitely would have noticed something like this as well, and I probably would be surprised like you, but still be appreciative.

Let the friend know you are disappointed he couldn't be a groomsman, and you really missed him during your special time.

It really sounds like the wife is the driving force (after your extra details).  Maybe you've offended her in some way?  Or maybe she is just jealous/controlling.   Either way she is upset about something and is taking it out on her husband/you guys.  Unless the child has some development or other problems, watching him/her should be a one-person job.

Answer 2

The problem seems to be stemming from the wife.  She is very envious and competitive.  Sure it's natural to feel a little bit of envy when someone has considerably more money than you but if she were a mature person she'd put her personal feelings aside and celebrate your wedding with you.  That being said, do not be angry with your husband's best friend.  If he didn't get so much flack from his wife, he'd definitely be a part of the wedding party.  With someone that selfish and insecure, it doesn't matter whether you brag.  She is trying to level the playing field (the playing field in her eyes that is).  The best thing to do is be gracious.  When you think about it...her behavior is quite childish and pathetic.

Answer 3

Yes, you have a right to feel upset, but you also need to realize that everyone is different and that the passage of time can chg. the dynamics of a friendship. It is unfortunate that not all people give back as well as they were given...but that is not the point.the point being "individuality"- you guys are generous, they are not...you guys are willing to go the extra mile, your friend is not. Different people have different priorities...it's what makes the world go round-  

Answer 4

Sometimes people try to hide their money problems. It sounds like you and hubby might be better money managers. I find it sad when we can't say in front of friends that we're just plain broke but often that is the case with people - they try to hide it. It's been mentioned that they just could be stingy and that is a definite possibility but is there any way that they are in trouble financially? Maybe the seven of them going together is just to save themselves the embarrasment of only being able to spare $20 bucks or so. Also, part of the responsibility of being in your wedding party would be the cost of the tux. You know your friends, maybe they are just stingy - some people are like that! but it would just be a thought to consider, that maybe they are really poor money managers or just broke........  

Answer 5

He may be refused because of the cost. it takes money to have babies!!!   May be your hubby should of offered to pay for his tux.

You sound selfish the way you brought up the card and 100 bucks.  That's RUDE

Answer 6

I can understand your point of view. It really isnt about the dollar amount, but how much effort was put forth. You put a lot of effort into his wedding and baby shower, and he is not really going the extra mile for you. The least he could do is be part of the wedding. People have babies all the time, and dont use them as an excuse to not be in a wedding.

If I was your husband, I would feel disappointed too. Maybe this friendship doesnt mean as much to them as it does to you.  

Answer 7

Wow, how rude and he could manage time to be in your wedding if he took out time. I personally would be mad at the money too, but it would just cause more frustration if you say anything. If I were the husband I would confront him and tell him that is bullcrap that he wouldn't be in your wedding and I would just slightly mention that you two did a lot for their wedding and child.

I would think the least they could do is pay you guys the same respect by being in the wedding.

Some friend, and what does his wife have to say about this?

There is nothing wrong with bringing the child to the wedding!!! Maybe they are jealous of your success, or maybe she is trying to steer him away from you?

Yeah I agree with Nikki that it could be his wife, and I wouldnt' be angry about him because he probably listens to her nagging all day!!

She sounds like a piece of work!!

Answer 8

People can disappoint you when you think you have a certain level of friendship and it turns out that you don t have what you think you have. You never know what is going on in their lives. Times are tight right now.  You sacrificed out of the kindness of your heart to be in the wedding.  Leave it at the altar as a gift, because anything more would be a light form of manipulation.  ( almost to say " I'll  be in your wedding as a down payment of you being in mine")  You have to allow people to say no when you ask them a yes or no question.  otherwise, you should just demand them to do as you please, since no is not an option.      All that said, I know your pain, and it hurts.   Weddings always bring out the best and worst of pepole.  

Answer 9

No you shouldn't expect gifts as there is no ettiquette in the world that will say they are required to give you one.

However, people who don't give gifts are extremely tacky (unless it is a situation the bride and groom knows about, like living off $9000 a year)  IN that case I wouldn't expect a thing. ESPECIALLY if he paid for his own tux.

But 7 people couldn't spring for more than $100? that's like giving nothing at all.  To me, it seems like when you get bad service at a restaurant and want t make sure the waiter knows, you don't leave NO tip (they'll think you forgot).  You leave ONE dime, so they know you didn't forget but that their service wasn't worth more than that.  I see the same situation.  

I have a feeling they only brought that much so they didn't feel guilty about taking the free food.  Sounds like that may have been the only reaosn they even showed.

For heaven sakes that's less than $15 per person.  I had $500 income per month when I went to my cousin's wedding and I still spent $50 on her.

You guys are perfectly fine feeling that way. I do and I don't even know them. lol

Answer 10

Well d**n, thats a helluva story! It sounds like they might be jealous that you are doing better than them. Do you mention the items that you have in your life, like the better things in life? Have they asked for your help and you ignored them? Sounds like they are either jealous or feel inferior...