Hurrah! I've written my Luc bat. What do you think?

Question

A One-sided Affair

It has been often said,

By the scholarly bred, who know,

That women make all the go

To ensure love will grow and thrive.

And for this, women strive

To keep their love alive and well

In an affair from h**l.

When the strain starts to tell and show

They cannot hide how low

Their spirits sink, and so they cry

Bitter tears, and then sigh.

It sears the heart and eye of those

Who see their anguished throes.

But, men can act as foes and friends

Speak love to make amends

Knowing each conflict ends with bliss

An embrace and a kiss.

These men will never miss the chance

To wound us with their lance.

But how perfect perchance to be

Once more at liberty

And lie sublime man free abed!

______________________________________

Stars represent syllables (6, 8 alternating)

Letters represent rhyme scheme

It has been often SAID (6)

By the scholarly BRED, who KNOW (8)

That women make all the GO (6)

*****a

*****a*b

*****b

*****b*c

*****c

*****c*d

*****d

*****d*e

*****e

*****e*f

*****f

*****f*g

*****g

*****g*h

*****h

*****h*i

*****i

*****i*j

*****j

*****j*k

*****k*a

Answer 1

Obviously, a quite fictional work of a delusional mind! lol  Do you just want the bat to hit us Luc?  I enjoyed the read, except the last line.  It is the punchline but word placement made it hard to read.  I must pen one myself... maybe an answer to a one sided opinion!

Answer 2

It's clearly a good poem, but I must admit I find its form intimidating.

Answer 3

You did well!  Thanks for sharing.

Answer 4

Yes, you have it.  I need to do another; I did not like my first one very much. Are you using "lance" to represent a body part? If so, it is very clever.  If not, I would use another word. Excellent Luc Bat!

Answer 5

nice Granny, However "That women make all the go" unless Ive grown an extra digit i make that 7

Edit

yes thats worked out nicley. I think i'm going to try one of those, it looks fun

Answer 6

Thank you for writing such a charming poem.  This has been my favourite Luc Bat on Yahoo.  (Thank you also for your kind note of welcome in another question.)  The rhyme scheme helped to accentuate your very elegant tone, which reminded me of some of Edna St Vincent Millay's poems.  Partly this was achieved by your choice to refer to both men and women in the third person.  The only falterings from this high tone I noted were: `make all the go' (line 3), and `the heart and eye' (line 12: this is technically ungrammatical because these should be plural, but can easily be fixed by changing `the' to `both,'), `to wound us' (line 19), which switched from the detached third person perspective to a more shrewish first person plural.  From a tone perspective, `In an affair from' etc. (line 7) does not bother me.

The metrical regularity you have achieved, finally, is something to which many poems of this form should aspire.  Except for two well-justified dactylic/trochaic lines (11 & 16), this poem is made of pure iambic with judicious anapestic substitutions.  There are several very elegant runs of lines in pure iambic that have a lovely effect (ll. 7-8, for example, or 12-13).

My favourite line is `and so they cry/bitter tears, and then sigh;' the misordering of intensity delicately conveys the despair for options implied by these affairs.

Answer 7

Interesting thesis...I think you are too kind to the bugger...

Answer 8

2p.m. in Britain? Well...of COURSE this makes sense! I, on the other side of the pond....am wailing 7a.m.

Tis good with one or both eyes open!! Uh, not getting into the a,b's of it...too early for astronomical equations...AU leaving me behind!

Answer 9

Well it's got rhythm.  Not so sure about the misandrist content though =)

These men will never miss the chance

To wound us with their lance.

And there was me thinking romance was dead lol

Answer 10

very good. i think, i dont realy understand what it is. i liked it anyway

Answer 11

Sounds hard core to me, rough way to meet the challenge

of a poem form. A general put down if nothing more.

Answer 12

I like the 'lance' part...makes you stop and wonder what the true meaning is behind it.  I can very much appreciate the content and feel of this poem as I believe that a good many of us have had similar thoughts.  Also, you've done an exceptional job with the Luc Bat.  I enjoyed writing mine very much because it is such a challenging form.  I think my next challenge will be the Elyslundian Sonnet.  

Bravo Jill

Answer 13

Not quite sure what to make of this...