Hurry! Can you please tell me a good, clean joke that I can share at a meeting on 8/13?

Question

I am supposed to be the Jokemaster of the week but do not have any "material". I've got to find something quick so I can go to bed! Thanks for your help!!!!

Answer 1

Why is a hemorrhoid called a hemorrhoid instead of an assteroid?

Did you hear about the dyslexic police officer? He spent all saturday night handing out IUD's.

Did you hear about the indian who drank 72 cups of tea?  He drowned in his tea-pee.

Whats the difference between Yankee stadium and a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner? The vacuum cleaner can only hold 1 dirtbag at a time!

Whats a yankee?  Same thing as a quickie except you do it yourself !!

A Polish guy goes running frantically into a police station---Help me!Help me officer, my wife is trying to kill me.  The officer says 'calm down sir'. 'What did she do? Did she poison your food?  Polish guy says "no".  Did she wave a knife at you?  "Umm  no"  Did she point a gun at you? Again the Polish guy says "no".  The officer is staring at the polish guy with a confused look on his face--- 'Well then, how do you know your wife is trying to kill you!?  Polish guy says 'Oh, back at the house, in the bathroom, in the medicine cabinet--there's a bottle in there, and on it it says Polish remover!!'....

Answer 2

Blond Father    



     A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"  

Answer 3

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four it would a sedan.

Young redneck walks into a bar and says 'gimme a beer'

Bartender ask  'got any ID'

boy says       ',,bout what.'

Answer 4

who are the two hottest animals in the barn?

    BROWN-CHICKEN-BROWN-COW!

like the axe commercials bow chicka wow wow...

Answer 5

a man is talking to a pirate with a pegged leg, and eye patch and a hook.

the man asked how he got the pegged leg... the pirate said that he fell overboard and a shark bit it off.

the man asked how he got the hook... the pirate said he was in a raid and some someone cut it off.

the man asked how he got the eye patch... the pirate said that he a bird dropping fell into it... the man said with surprise "and that took out your eye?!?!?!?!"... the pirate said....................................... it was my first day with the hook!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

LOLOLOLOL

Answer 6

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

Answer 7

well, my brother showed me this today. he said:

i went to the doctor today and i tild him

"doctor doctor, it hurts when i do this(you hit yourself)"

and then the docotr replies

"well dont do this(while hitting yourself)"

it is so hillarious. wow im still laughing

Answer 8

Hi Claire,

   Here's a good decent joke.

   Stumpy and Martha lived on a farm and after the harvest was over, they would go to the county fair. At the fair was an airplane ride that cost $100. Stumpy would say, "I'm going to fly in that plane!" to which Martha would reply, "Stumpy, $100 is $100!"

    This went on for some years. The next year, they were arguing again. The pilot came and said to them, "I've heard you arguing about the plane flight for several years. I'll take you up and if neither one of you says or does anything, the ride is free.

    They got in the airplane and did loops, climbs, dives - anything an airplane could do. When they got back on the ground, the pilot said, "I did everything I could to scare you, but neither of you said or did anything so the ride is free.

     Stumpy replied, "Yeah, I was thinking about hollering when Martha fell out but $100 is $100!"

     To be a good joke teller, don't try to remember the joke word for word as you heard it. Put it in your own words to get the idea across but do remember the punchline.  

Answer 9

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow wh-

MOO!