Husband Lacks Sexual Interest In Me?

Question

My husband is 56 years old, I am 52. We have been together 4 years and married for a little over 1 year. If you could leave s*x out of the picture, my husband is a wonderful companion. I know he loves me and he shows it in all the ways he can with me. He and I enjoy each other's company, we laugh together, he helps with chores around the house, he helps with cooking, he is loyal, he treats me with the upmost respect. He is about 75 lbs over weight but I still love and desire him. I am about 40 lbs over weight and he says he loves me (which I believe him) and he also says he desires me (which I am not sure). I have been told that I look young for my age. I keep up with my appearance, I am always clean and neat with my body, smell good and try to be as attractive to my husband as possible. I am working on losing the weight also. From the beginning of our relationship my husband has never shown a high interest in s*x, although the little interest he has shown in the past is more than he shows now. He has trouble with maintaining an erections so him and I agreed for him to be seen by a doctor who put him on medication to help with this problem and it has. The trouble is, the few times we do have s*x is has been s*x without much foreplay, no true love making which has made me feel undesirable to him and unloved. The times he takes this pill I feel he does so only as an obligation to me, as if he does not truly want to have s*x. I do not understand and I have in the past talked to him about this, so he tries to act interested, but I am a woman and I know when a man is truly interested or not. I hate the feelings of rejection I feel from this to the point I no longer even bring it up to him seeing if he will initiate s*x on his own. It appears that as long as I do not complain about it he thinks no s*x is ok and is happy this way. I need answers from mature men and women who can help me sort this problem and advise on what I can do to improve this situation. Please no harsh jokes as this situation is serious to me. Answers from mature people only. Thank You!

Answer 1

first of all a man in his late 50 is not as a man in his 20. no wonder his s*x drive is much less. second - he is overweight. performing an intercourse is physically enduring. he simply doens't have enough power for that, that's why he doesn't have desire. and second - u re not 20 year old gorgeous chick either, so of course he won't lit up in fire when he just sees u. what re u doing to help? do u perform oral s*x? there hasn't been any man who would refuse to receive one. and anyway as a mature answer -u won't be satisfied what u hear - if u were younger and not overweight or if he were younger and not overweight combination might have worked. either way u BOTH have to lose weight. good luck

Answer 2

Diet can play a big part in libido. If he isn't eating well it can unfortunately be one of the first things to go. And I'm not talking about weight here, just nutrition (although get the nutrients right and the weight tends to follow) Does he exercise? If these things are a problem then could you encourage a healthier lifestyle by taking some romantic walks and cooking good food? Also, would he go to a marriage counsellor with you? That too would be great for working out the issue. If he won't go then go by yourself as they will be able to offer advice. Best of luck.

Answer 3

when my husband came home from iraq we had similar problems. for him it was the anxiety medication they had him on. it just killed his libido but it was hard not to take it personally especially knowing how he was before he went to war.

its very hard to feel attractive and loved when you sometimes feel like your husband is only touching you because he figures "its about that time again...don't want her getting restless"

for us its been a two year battle...he's been out of the military for over a year but sometimes we still have issues. we have finally really started to communicate and while things are still improving they may never be what i would have liked them to be.

i focus on the part you started with. i know my husband loves me. here we are with such a similar situation and he is 30 and i am 27...so if people our age are having this problem please know that you aren't alone.

communication is good but don't overkill it. i think its about pride too. no man wants to feel he lacks in this department. i went a long time without talking about it and slowly he started to show more interest on his own. i think i gave him a chance to see s*x as less of an issue and more of an act again...

just stand by your vows and remember that when you say "for better or worse" it tends to be during "for better" times and when things get "or worse" vows suddenly can be very difficult.

i'm certain he is a good man who loves you.

and while there may not be a good solution hopefully you will be able to work through it and love each other even more.

good luck!

Answer 4

When a man can't maintain an erection it's caused from several factors.

1. It's a condition that needs medical attention

2.He's on steroids which I know that can't be it.

3. Your not as s**y appealing to him sexually....now that is where we may find our answer.

When your husband is ready to make love to you he most likely will want to suck, nibble and raise his sexual drive minute by minute as he encroachess you in every spot.

If your husband fails to encroach you in every spot then he has already backed down from his drive and will not empower it because he is turned off.

Now...what turned him off is the question.  When a man gets turned off he can get on you, make love and shrink right afterwards. It's over done deal and he will not stay up. If you put a poster above the bed of Raquel Welch naked it might help, but you also will see what the problem is too.

As for me personally, if I go out to the street and pick up a w***e and bring her back to my room and bang her, my s*x drive will drop the moment I have had my o****m and it will shrink and not get back up and this is a known fact about me.

If I pick up a girl at a club and bring her home and make love I stay hard and I stay that way until I am done when ever I decide to quit.

Now pay attention to what I just wrote...the difference between a w***e off the street and a girl at a club.  They are both females, but because they stood from different backgrounds, one would drive me the other would put me in fail safe even though, it's pyschological there's no hope.

The only other turn off is that some females give off certain chemical hormones during sexual intercourse. The older you get the less and less these chemicals are. The younger you are the more chemical hormones is present and it drives men wild.

This is why most men prefer College girls that are full of this chemical hormones and it becomes less and less in older women especially after menopause and hysterectomy's and that is why older women have harder times keeping the male interested, much less herself balanced with hormones too.

There is no solution expect pure good reasoning and understanding from the male.  

In your case a better relationship will increase his libido. You need to have more trips together, laughter, fun times, having fun with a water hose outside in the sun. These things will increase his desire for you sexually and when it comes time to make love he will be up and so will your chemicals and it could send you to the moon if you know what I mean or it could have you getting out of bed and saying "oh christ again, put some hot water on it or something oh h**l give me my Steely Dan at least I'll get off"

Good Luck

Answer 5

I haven't had to deal with this yet, but sense my s*x drive is low, he sounds like the perfect men to me! LOL  Sorry, but it's true.

You know, I'm 51. When and if, more like never, I get s*x, there isn't and hasn't been any foreplay for or to me in years.  I chalked it up as the men aren't and haven't been into "love making" sense they had to try so hard in high school to get it.  I don't think there are too many men who even stop and think about foreplay!  It's too much work for them!!  I've had a few lovers who considered oral s*x foreplay for heavens sakes!  It does consist of more!!  But I really dn't feel, once they've done it a million times, it's not on their agenda to do foreplay.

I'm not sure how long it takes for the pill to start working after he takes it, but tell him, that once the pill is taken, you will from now on spend that time for foreplay.  Tell him what your wanting.  Even at your age, if you haven't in the past, go out and buy the Karma Sutra book. Has beautiful ways of "touch".  

Let him know the caressing, kissing and touching is just as important as the s******g.

Answer 6

If you look at my past questions you will see that I myself have this same problem.  I am 36 yrs old tho and this has been going on for me for 7 years.  My mom who is 54 is going through the same thing although her situation cannot be helped.  My dad just had a heart transplant and the medications takes away his ability and desire where as my husband in my own opinion just has a very low drive.  We've been together 14 yrs and there is a conversation I had w/him that now haunts me where he said that he didn't believe s*x was all that important in a loving relationship.  This brings me to the conclusion that mentally and physically his desire is low.  Maybe that's the case w/your husband too.  It can be worked on though I believe.  my husband and I have been talking a lot about it and we are working very hard to change his thinking as well as consulting a doctor.  I totally understand your pain.  It hurts because we as woman are programmed to believe our men should be all over us in order to show their true feelings but there are some women who act more like men mentally and some men who may be more prone to feel like us in that area.  Myself, I have a HUGE s*x drive and I ended up on the other end of the stick like you.  If you could bring yourelf to believe that it's not you and your husband loves you despite his lack of desire for intamacy without showing this kind of affection we were trained to believe is a mans way of showing love maybe it'll be easier for you until you work this out.  Truthfully though...this is tough and I know it.  I know it hurts and I totally feel for you.  Hopefully we just get this together eh?  Good Luck to you and your husband

Answer 7

This is a touchy situation for both you and him.  He's clearly had a decline in testosterone levels and Viagra may not be the only answer to his problem.  I would ask him if we wouldn't mind seeing a doctor again to determine his testosterone levels.  It goes without saying that this conversation will need a LOT of tact as this is what makes a man a man and he may feel as though you are questioning his manhood.  It does sound as though he very much loves you and is glad to have you in his life.  If this is something that you can get beyond, I imagine you both will have a very satisfying and complete marriage.  Best of luck!

Answer 8

You might could get his testosterone levels checked. He may not be producing as much as he used to and might could get a shot or something.

Answer 9

Simple answer to your long A** question;  VIAGRA : D  

Answer 10

If the two of you improve your overall health, you will also improve your s*x life.

Answer 11

masterbation is the key.

not all men can give you that 'star star star' eye... and sometimes it does annoy us, but it's nothing to do with age. you can be in your 20s and still, you may have in common fantastic things, but the bed may not be the best part... or others are like animals in bed with life of passion, and when it comes to normal life, they 'shoot' each other with haterate.... so if he is not giving much, don't sit and cry your eyes. s*x isn't the first thing in relationship, it is the love, that grows in years. i think you should know this better than me...

Answer 12

oh sweetie, i truely feel for you. he may be so self conscious about his problem that he can't get past it. men are very weird in that way. maybe you could introduce some toys into the relationship, then he wouldn't have to use his equipment the whole time. most men enjoy using toys with their partner and enjoy watching you use them as well. it also turns them on and helps get then excited. there are also many good female friendly p**n movies, you know, those that actually have a story line and are not just banging. these are exciting for both the man and the woman. maybe if there is not so much pressure on him to perform, he will enjoy it more. it sounds like you have a great man and that he loves you very much--you are a very lucky woman. i know you don't want this to hurt your relationship, but i understand that you need that kind of attention from your husband. i really think you should try these things and see if it helps. there is no reason to be embarassed about it, really, everyone does this. look online for some toy stores, they ship everything right to your door--very discretely--no ads on the box or even the name of where its from. good luck honey!!

Answer 13

Hi,

I feel for you.  I am younger, 38 and my hubby 45.  Our love life has simmer quite a bit since we married 10 years ago, and dated for 2 years before then.  I do think some men's libido's slow down more than others.  They get used to it.  I also do not know your hubby's history, but maybe he never felt super confident in bed, or has not had a lot of positives in bed over his lifetime.  While intimacy is very rewarding, many people do develop a lot of issues, insecurities, and obstacles in that department.  In my and hubby's phase of life, we are okay at the time with less lovin' as we have young kids, are tired by the end of the day.  But I do miss it too.  My body is not in the same shape it was pre-kids and marriage time.  And it does make me more self-conscious and take less initiative.

s*x seems to be a place where a lot of time has to be invested if both people are not comfortable and secure.  Maybe when there is a time where he feels safe, you could talk about you want your love life to be exciting and make you both happy.  Ask him when he thinks about the best loving he has had, what was it like?  Some men have fantasies and fetishes, as do we women, but do not talk about them.  They feel like we will not accept them or reject them.  Maybe in the past, certain clothes, accessories, visual images, massage, etc.  helps.  Also, I know for me being in better shape really does help my confidence.

If you both really love each other, try to keep working through it.  Marriage is about helping each other and knowing problems are not solved immediately.  Little to no s*x is not great, but neither is having a jerk hubby or having no hubby.  Also, if you have a healthy libido, there may be things you can do for yourself.  Good luck and keep listening and trying.  Often men do not talk through problems.  They solve it on their own or accept it and move on.  Working with someone on a problem is tough, even with their wife.  

  

Answer 14

I think that the true answer is NOT Viagra.  some men, and I can say this from experience, lack any want in the area of sexual interest.  and this can be attributed to many factors, the last of which is age.  sometimes men, like women, have a problem separating their problems from their bedroom.  they forget to leave everything at the door.  I was married to a 21 year old when I got married, I was 18.  and believe me, when he told me before we got married that he wanted to be with me and it didn't have to be about s*x, I didn't think that would apply after we got married.  my s*x life was almost non-existent.  sometimes it amazes me that we were even able to have a child, that's how seldom we had s*x.  so, in this, you are not alone.

that said, ask your husband to see a psychologist to rule out any underlying causes to his lack of interest.  also, encourage him to lose weight with you.  weight can play a role in self-assurance and ego, therefore putting a damper on his interest.  there are also other medical conditions that could add to this.  instead of focusing on his ED in and of itself, look at the possible underlying causes.  also, did you know that one of the leading causes of ED in men his age is heart disease?  (and I don't know about you, but if I was a man and I couldn't remain erect through my own efforts, I don't know that I would even want to bother with it.  just my own opinion.)  also, I don't know how well this would help, but as far as the foreplay goes, focus on the romance of the moment and not the act itself.  make a date, go out to dinner, light candles when you get home, have a little wine or mixed drinks, and see where that leads you.  I understand that you may not drink, but there is reasoning behind this.  when I was married to my ex, the only time he showed interest and I didn't have to beg was when he had been out drinking with his uncle.  if you can get him over his inhibitions, even with a little alcohol, he may initiate on his own.  usually a man who feels good, is happy with himself, is more interested in having relations with his wife.  I sincerely hope this helps some, as I understand it won't help all.  it may give you some ideas you can run with.  good luck!

Answer 15

He's lazy. how physical is the fella? sound's like he doesn't like to sweat too much. Or he's selfish, insecure of his body, doesn't know how to please you, maybe he like's pleasing himself. I'd suggest get some porno movies, watch them together & see were that goes? Plan the night together. A hot horny night together, dim the lights, a few drink's, s**y nitie?? Use ur imagination. Goodluck.