Husband about to cheat?

Question

My husband and I have just had a baby (beautiful 2 month old). Before I got pregnant, my husband loved my body and we were just crazy in love, I've lost all my baby weight (35 lbs) but I still have to tone up- I feel like hes always looking at other women- he always wants to go out to clubs without me- he is a drummer in a very well known Rock Band and has women ALL over him ALL the time.... We still have good lovemaking but when we arent making love I dont feel like he desires me or thinks Im attractive.....Im at my wits end with my insecurities...I feel fat, and ugly =( what should I do and has anyone ever felt like this?

Answer 1

the main thing is to ask him how HE feels.

ask if what you are thinking is true.

properly talk to him about it =]

Answer 2

My husband loved me when I had all my weight and desired me jsut as much as pre an post pregnancy. I think you should have a talk with him. He should tell you that you are beautiful no matter what! Your baby is still a little bug so I cannot imagine that you are all perfect  already....your body is still healing. These things take time! Good luck and remember that you are beautiful no matter what!

Answer 3

You don't say anything about how he feels about you mentally. So is your marriage based on looks only? You say that he:

-Loved your body before pregnancy.

-Looks at other women.

-Wants to go to clubs without you.

-Has women all over him.

And you feel he doesn't desire you or think your attractive unless your making love. That won't last. Alot of people always ask about love at first sight. I usually think it's lust! And when I read your question, that's the first thing I think. There's got to be more there then that. And insecurities like always asking him if he thinks you look good or asking every detail about what he did while he was out without you will get you nowhere. Stand up for yourself. Insist to go to the clubs with him. My husband would never go out to clubs without me and I wouldn't do that to him. It's called respect. And if he doesn't have that for you, it's time to move on.

Answer 4

first off, you need to discuss this with your husband.

Because you are insecure right now, you notice him looking at other woman more, but in reality, he isnt looking any more then he used to. he is a man and they look, ALL the time.

Talk with him about your concerns and how you feel about yourself....this will help a great deal.

Answer 5

i wouldn't ask him about this unless you are 100% sure he is cheating. the conversation will irritate him, turn him off even more, and worst of all it might drive him to cheat if he isn't already.

iv'e never cheated, but when my ex-girlfriends accused me of it, it made me want to because im already getting nagged for something i haven't done yet. so i might as well commit the crime i am getting punished for.

Answer 6

Ignore some of the above answers, just because he is a drummer, and a man does not mean he has or is going to cheat.

Its very low of him to do, or anyone to do, especially whilst being pregnant, or after having children, because its not just you its going to hurt (babies pick up on the littlest amount of stress, way more then people think)

Talk to your husband, if hes not the talkative type, write it in a letter, so you dont start crying etc, and he doesnt interupt, so you forget some of the things you want to say, or before it can turn into an argument (i always write things down now!)

If that doesnt work, why not get yourself down to a hairdresser, get a free makeover done at Boots, maybe clothes, have a bath, shave! and cook dinner, and have a nice night in, and then get to talking, and tell him how you feel, and how he must understand that you feel really low, you feel fat etc, if he doesnt, you need to tell him, that if he doesnt appreciate you or respect your feelings/how you are feeling (about him going out all the time etc) that he needs to decide now, how he wants to his life be, so many men can just turn the other way, when they have children, they relalise its not what they want or their freedom has been taken away (im not saying, he doesnt love your baby-im sure he absolutely does) but he is just not as ready as he thought, its much more easier for men to walk out then it is for women/the mum, because they dont bond as much (with work commitment etc)

Try Relate, if you really both decide that you want it to work, I always hear great things about that.

(Google it- relate)

Sorry for the long post, and good luck, let us know how it all goes

x x x

Answer 7

you do not know if he has or is about to cheat

Answer 8

thats wat all men are like they are all pigs even if they have a wife/girlfriend/partner they still look at other women have a talk with him tell him how you feel if you are that consernd about it then break up with him  

Answer 9

I'm a man and let me just tell you that the pressures of the media/Hollywood, or even socially-image conscious people, if that's in your group could even drive me to the edge, let alone a woman who's with a drummer in a very well known ROck Band, that must be PURE torture. I mean, women alone are just so much more into it, so if I feel the pressure, god bless you woman. I feel for you.

Basically, what it comes down to is this, he's after the instant gratificatino and the fun, and since he's being led by his ID, impulse ego driven side, that fun is best had with LOUD music, amazing in the moment times, and attractive/hot people, who are currently at their prime. that's just the "FUN" side to him though, but believe me, if the man isn't a 100% superficial a***e, and you married the guy and are crazy in love,

then the love side ...well, it doesn't care if you're not in your peak/prime or as hot because of the kid. It doesn't.

Pressures like those is why women AND men, carve their faces up in plastic, and look like barbie dolls, and gym rats. It's because of unrealistic insecurity and unhappiness.

Look, you STILL have good lovemaking, and it's not that he doesn't desire you or think you're attractive,....

HE ALREADY CLAIMED YOU, and you claimed him,

Desire more or less aplies to things that you want that you don't have yet.

Once you have them, especially as years go by that desire fades, but it gets replaced by something bigger and better,...love and acceptance.  You're not magically fat/obese or ugly, just because you gained weight b/c of the pregnancy, and you produced a beautiful baby.

So for him to just chuck all that out of the window, including your baby, because of some two timing wh0res who look hot (sorry for the insult, but many of them ..well, are truly like that),....then that would mmean that your husband is a deadbeat a***e, who you should not stay in a marriage with.

However, relax, I'm sure he's just having fun, living in the moment, and when you guys first met you were probably ...more into that too.

Now that you're a mother and the years are passing, things change. He though still has a rock and roll heart,and that's what attracts him to that stuff.

Believe me I know.

Sometimes I, and I'm 26, young by all means, but I still go out there wear clothing that's best seen on a 18 year old punk raver, hang out with the girls, guys, who dress like total s***s, and we have a blast down the shore at concertrs or whatever, and sometimes I put on long wigs, totally awesome outfits, and party with these people.

However, I still have a home to return to, a wonderful partner who I love more than ANYTHING, who is actually overweight and has been for many years because of deperssion issues, and the love and home I feel here, supercedes any shallow fun that I have with my friends.

I'm sure it's all just BS for him so don't worry about it.

But if you're that concerned, approach him and find out where his priorities are.

Answer 10

Wow, i'm so sorry. I think that if your hubby is gonna be a pric then it is what it is...its his loss.don't loose weight or tone up for him, do it for yourself. if he doesn't respect you or treat you like a queen then you have yourself a pretty selfish person. i would voice my concern and go from there.

Answer 11

maybe take a trip, just you two. If it's at all possible. maybe tell him how you feel. has he been known to cheat before?? I would be cautious with him being a drummer!!

Answer 12

Maybe your insecurities are showing and your husband finds that unattractive. Understand that you just had a baby and things aren't gonna be exactly as they were before getting pregnant, learn to accept your body for its changes, for if not for them you wouldn't have your baby, and be secure in who you are! I am sure if you appreciate yourself and your body and be strong and secure in how you look, that will show to other people- especially your husband, and you may find yourself no longer in this predicament. Its probably all in your head anyway. I'm sure you look great if you've lost all the weight. Do some crunches and tell yourself in the mirror that you look hot, as I'm sure you do. Good luck.

Answer 13

Honey.........if he is A DRUMMER,  HE IS ALREADY CHEATING............get a STD Test..........and make him get one too.  

Answer 14

your coping a bit of post natel depression see your doc and if he cheats a lawer and get a divoce or get in to swinging

Answer 15

Omg have ever felt that way? Yes. I have 5 kids and my husband and I have gone through that before. I say go out without him and let other guys tell you how good you look build yourself a steam. I am NOT saying cheat because that never fixes anything but worry about before you worry about him. You can control what you do and fell but you can’t control him. So if he cheats than he cheats deal with it later but don’t try to stop it because that’s only a temporary fix. He has to make the choice. It sucks but I’m sorry. You email me if you like.

Answer 16

I completly understand how you fell I to have a 2 month old. This being my second it was hard for me to lose the weight as quickly. I will put it to you this way. never put it past a man to cheat. All men probley will or have wether you are married or not. all you can do is be open and honest with him and let him know how you feel about the situation. If you are anything like myself i always explain better in a letter. But also i wouldnt worrie to much becacuse you do have his child and he is comin home to you.

Answer 17

There are a number of possibilities here, any one of which could be your answer, or a combo of:

1) You are feeling insecure about yourself and looking for validation of your feelings (we all like our emotions/feelings validated). Since the feelings you are looking to have validated are those of feeling inferior and insecure, you are looking for him to tell you "yup, you're right". I highly doubt he would come out and say anything like that to you (and if he does, dump him) so things like him looking at other women can easily be interpreted as him saying that you're not good enough, or ugly, or fat,etc... even tho these same actions may not have held the same meaning to you before you got pregnant. With this possibility, those feelings of being fat, ugly, etc originate within you and don't necessarily reflect how he feels.

2) Lets face it, he's a guy...they're gonna look. They're wired very differently than women and even tho it may be disrespectful to some, men looking at other women is pretty standard "guy" stuff and isn't necessarily a sign that he's gonna cheat. For some it is a sign, but for others it means the same as looking at a very nice car. You know your man and if he's the cheating type and if you should be truly concerned that he's looking for the next woman. Listen to your instinct...that gut feeling vs. insecurities. Sometimes it can be hard to tell which is which.

3) You could be experiencing a bit of postpartum depression. Its more common than some think. I would check in with your doctor. Lots of moms feel differently about their physical appearance after giving birth. If these are negative feelings and surpass a certain threshold, it could be something that needs medication for a short time.

4) Most men go through an emotional change when they become a dad. This goes not only for how they view their new baby, but also their "baby mama". Its not necessarily a bad thing...esp since it sounds like you two still have the sexual spark is...but maybe he doesn't see you as the hot "rocker chick" anymore. Now, he may see you as a hot mama...HIS hot mama and wife. Almost more of a respectful tone. He's seen you go through pregnancy and labor and has a deeper respect for you and deeper emotion. I could see how if he now sees you as a mother...the mother to his child, he may have a hard time seeing you at one of his concerts as a "groupie" lumping you in with some of the other girls hanging on him. You just don't hold the same "title" anymore..you've been promoted...again and now hold a higher, more important position than hanging out with the band. Maybe his emotions for you have evolved since the baby has been born for the good.

5) If he's truly showing signs of infidelity (more than one sign and more than once) and you just don't feel right in your core gut, have someone go to one of his gigs (that he doesn't want you attending) and check up on him. It needs to be an unbiased third party...not your best friend, or his. Someone who will give it to you straight whatever the outcome. I've always carried the biased opinion that bandmembers are more likely to cheat since they have so many opportunities. I also know this is a biased view and can't say there aren't plenty of artists who are 100% faithful. I just don't personally know of very many.  

With this little info about your situation, I would suggest first talking to your doc about what you're feeling. I'll bet you're not the first new mom to have these feelings and he may just diagnose you with postpartum depression and get you the help you need. He may say you're just fine, in which, I'd look for a good therapist who can help you work through your feelings of inferiority and insecurity. This can help two-fold. If you can get past these feelings and feel more confident about yourself, then you may start to see ways in which he shows more positive feelings about you (i.e.: attractive, in shape, beautiful, etc) on the flip side it won't matter if he cheats. If you feel better about yourself, you will know you deserve better treatment than that and will have the confidence to get out of a bad situation. I'll bet you and your new baby are both absolutely gorgeous and hope your hubby knows it and acts like it too.