Husband adopting daughter, only man she's ever known...any advise on tellin her...?

Question

My husband has been the only person she has ever know (he came into her life before she was 1) Her "sperm donor" has only seen her once when she was 6 months old and left with his friends to go get high (TOTAL LOSER, I know). Also he lives in another state and has neven been involved financially or otherwise.He now has another daughter that he raises and takes care of. He has no desire to have anything to do with my daughter. He has already said he wants to sign up all rights to her, HE not I have made the choice for him not to be in her life. He is no longer on drugs and had made the choice AFTER he was off drugs, and also I would NEVER say any harsh things to my daughter. It has taken us until now to start the adoption process because it's very expensive! We are only 25 and have 4 children~money is tight!

Anyways now my husband and I are now able to go through with him adopting her ~ if we decide to how do we tell her?

Answer 1

I would tell her, if you decide to, that your husband is her dad but not everyone can be a dad, it takes a very special person who will love you no matter what to be a dad.  Any man can be a father and make a baby but that doesn't make him your dad.  Tell her that your husband is her dad and if she asks later about her biological father then tell her he didn't want to be a dad he wanted to be a kid and have fun.  It would be better that she hear that she's adopted from you than to hear it from someone else, that would be devastating.  Kids don't think that their parents would lie to them and when they find out they have it really can create problems later on. On the other hand if your husband is on the birth certifacate, he is legally her father already.

Answer 2

its a good idea to have her adopted by your husband!!!he has been the only dad she really knows and loves so im sure she will be very happy to have her daddy officially as her dad. you can say to her that when she gets older she will always have the right to see her birth father, although when shes old enough to know the truth she probably wont want to!tell her that her daddy (your husband) loves her so much. dont waste your time with the loser birth father, sounds like you have a wonderful husband that loves all your kids unconditionally so leave it at that, you have many  years of happyness ahead, concentrate on that!!when i was adopted i was told it was because i was very special and because one dad wasnt able to be a decent dad to me, that my adoptive father was the best dad i could have and as long as i was loved i didnt care which dad i had!!hope it all works out well for you however you decide to tell her. good luck ;-)

Answer 3

im adopted and i was glad to know. just say hey your dad isn't the dad who made you but hes your real dad because he is the one who loves you.  who cares who gave the sperm.  any guy can give sperm. just becasue of that he doesnt deserve repect at all.  why encourage your daughter to love a loser.  she will want the dad who loves her

Answer 4

I remember you asking this question last week.  It is absolutely important that you tell her the truth.  The "sperm donor" as you call him, is her flesh and blood.  Everyone has a right to their own truth.  

Social workers, therapists, counselors -- all professional state it is absolutely important to tell the truth and the sooner the better.  People find out eventually anyway.  Then they are absolutely pissed, and rightfully so.  It is wrong to deprive her of the truth about her own self.

Answer 5

I don't know cases like these can go either way.

I was 10 when I found out the man that I thought was my father wasn't. I was crushed!! Never been the same around his since. I feel betrayed by him and my read dad.

BUT my son is just like your daughter. His 'sperm donor' left when I was pregnant with him, met him once on his first birthday and hasn't been back. My son is now almost 10. I told him when he was 3-4. I didn't want him to feel how I felt. He's okay with it, he knows about his 'sperm donor' and knows the truth.

I would just get your daughter down and be gentle about it. It can be tough news. Just tell her the truth! Be here for her, even if you don't think she needs it, she will!

☺Good Luck! ♥

Answer 6

I don't think it's going to be very traumatic for your daughter.  She has a father who loves her, so she is good.  Her biological father will just be a footnote.

Young children seem to accept the world the way it is, unless you make a big deal of it.  Even when someone dies, it's like, "Oh, that's interesting," unless you lead with horrible wailing and grief.

Answer 7

That "sperm donor" is her father, like it or not.  She has a right to know her true history.  She has a right to know where she came from, her medical history, etc.  You should tell her the truth as soon as possible.  It should be up to her, when she is old enough to truly understand, if she wants your husband to adopt her.  If he loves her and she loves him, a piece of paper making it "official" shouldn't matter.  All that she will care about is that he loves her, takes care of her and is there for her. You don't need to adopt someone to do that. Don't spend your money on something that is not necessary.

Her first father may feel the way he does now, but it could change.  Don't close the door to her having a possible relationship with her father someday.