Husband doesn't know if he loves our children or not?

Question

My husband recently told me that he wasn't sure if he loved our children or not. I was shock to hear him say such a thing and didn't know how to respond to that. Is it a phase that some dads actually go through or is it just him?

He also said becuase he didn't have a father to love him, he doesn't know how the "children love" feeling suppose to feel like. Is he trying to pull some c**p on me, or is this really real?

He says he can't stand their crying or the fact that they can't understand (23 months old and 6 months old) and he just wants to hurt them to shut them up everytime they open their mouth. To me, it sounds like he really don't want to try to be a good dad and he really doesn't love our children. He's not willing to change and adapt into being a parent, because he says that that would mean our children won and he lost.

Answer 1

sounds as if your husband needs some type of mental help sounds as if he is a control freak so are you saying that he actually hits these baby's and other things if so sounds like you need to get these baby's the h**l away from is guy before he really hurts the baby's Best of luck to you and hope you get things worked out PLEASE GET YOUR BABY'S AND YOURSELF OUT OF THIS SITUATION ASAP BEFORE THIS A** REALLY HURTS THOUSE BABY'S OR YOU YOU ARE ALREADY DOING EVERYTHING YOURSELF ANYWAY GOOD LUCK

Answer 2

I would take him to family counseling, and he probably needs some individual therapy as well.  It sounds like he has some deep-seated issues with fatherhood that seem to be rooted in his own father's absence, and this is something he probably needs to deal with before he can become a good father to his own children.  Talking about wanting to hurt his children is REALLY not a good thing -- you need to get him some help.

Answer 3

How difficult and painful this must be!  I'm so sorry.

The fact that your husband told you this suggests that he is worried about it and is asking for help.  The fact that he views getting help as the children "winning" suggests that he doesn't correctly understand the parent-child relationship.   He also wrongly defines loving his children as always having positive and affectionate feelings for them. In the long run, loving is more about behavior than emotion.  It means providing children with appropriate care, day in and day out, supporting them and showing interest in them, and doing what is best for them, even at times when you don't feel like it or you don't like them very much (yes, that happens, even to good parents).

He obviously has unresolved issues. I think you should insist that he or the two of you get counseling, and if he refuses, make him leave.  He has admitted that he could lose control and injure your children.   Don't take a chance.  Good luck.

Answer 4

He has some severe control issues. I don't know that I would want to leave my children with someone who has fantasized about hurting them to get them to shut up.

Answer 5

Your husband has serious issues - he sounds very immature.  And yes, he has never learned how to love or be loved.  As you have some dialogue with him on this subject, you could try bringing it up, if necessary, in front of people he trusts.  

He needs to understand that he should want to take care of his children, not control them.

I think he must love them, but he certainly sounds bewildered and lost - he is still grieving for the little boy inside.  I recognise some of what you are saying through my own childhood - my mother was unable to bond with me, because she had been put into care.  

This is too big for you to deal with alone.  Please get help.

Answer 6

I think I would get some counselling if I were you.  Husband has issues.  He probably will not want to go counselling  Just the act that he wants to hurt them to shut them up would be a major signal that maybe he needs space to destress in.  I would NEVER allow him to be with the children alone.  

Children would win and he would lose?  Oh honey, that does not sound good at all.

Please talk to your pastor, a counselor someone to help you get on your feet and decide what you need to do to protect your children and yourself.  

A man who has not had a role model, or had a bad role model will not know how to parent properly.  But your husband does not want to learn.

Answer 7

Its time for some counseling... There is absoluteley no way I would leave the children with them. I might even get a seperation. This is serious. If you do not have patience then I don't think you can be a good parent. He needs some help

Answer 8

Obviously everyone is taught how to love by example, and considering he had no example, he's running blind. Was he an active participant in the developement and birth of these children? I would guess probably not, otherwise he wouldn't be feeling this way. His childhood has left him with something to be desired, and he needs you to help him work through it. He needs to go, with you, to family counciling and get some help with these thoughts and emotions before the children get too old, too demanding, and to impressionable. With a little work, he may not be the perfect dad, but atleast he could be a healthy example for the children.

Answer 9

"and he just wants to hurt them to shut them up everytime they open their mouth"

Please get your children out of harms way and leave this man!! You are putting them at risk every moment you expose them to him.

Answer 10

Yeah, I would be absolutely horrified if my husband said that to me about our children.  Absolutely horrified.  And the fact that he says he just wants to hurt them to shut them up scares the c**p out of me.  Don't ever leave him alone with them - EVER.

I truly think your husband needs major counselling - he obviously has some unresolved issues from his own childhood, and his feelings are definitely ABNORMAL.  Whether he truly feels this way or not, saying what he did is abnormal.  

If he continues to refuse therapy or try to work on this major issue - I cant' tell you what to do, but if you want my opinion, I would leave him.  I would not take the chance of your husband hurting your children - either physically, or even emotionally - its very damaging for a child to feel unloved by their parent.  Just look what happened to your husband.

Good luck!!!

Answer 11

what a jerk......i'd say no one is going to win in this situation. its not a contest for G@ds sake.

it would have been nice if he told you this before you had kids. I can't tell you how sad this makes me. You are going to be raising two babies on your own I'd guess.

a jerk is the nicest thing I can think of to call him.

Answer 12

i would have said take him and the kids (both) to a park and make him bond with them. BUT if he hurts a 23 month old and a 6 month old just to make them shut up there is something wrong. i would get the h**l away from him before he really does hurt or kill one of your kids.