Husband doesn't want kids, I do. Please read

Question

My husband and I have been married for a little over 4 years, we're both in our early 30's. He knows I want a child, but flip flops back and forth from on his decision, sometimes he says he wants only 1, sometimes he says none at all.

Here's the catch. He was married before me when he was younger for a couple of years. He was dating a girl and they got pregnant on accident, he did the right thing and married her. A year later their child passed away and the marriage fell apart from there (the child passed away almost 9 years ago). He carries a lot of sorrow in his heart (as I'm sure anyone would, and I DON'T just expect him to get over it and never will I expect him of that). He says it would be hard to love another child again.

Also when we first got married I ran across some old emails (he knows I read them, we used to use the same email acct) that he had sent to his ex from a few years earlier (before we met) telling her that he never wants to have children with anyone else besides her and since they aren't together anymore and never will be, he doesn't want to have them ever again. In fact they had both promised to never have children w/anyone else (she has since remarried as well).

I asked him about the email and he said he has nothing to hide from me, that he wrote it to her on the anniv of their child's death (and it was) and that he was going thru the emotions and was sad and that he didn't really mean it, that he would have a child with me one day.

But since then he flip flops on the subject. He'll be open to it "eventually" as he says - or he will say it in a joking way that he doesn't want to have kids. He says it jokingly, but I can't get the email out of my head - is he holding up his end of the "promise"?

I don't nag him about it constantly, but we do talk about a child, we even somewhat have names picked out.

Suggestions? Ideas?

I want a child (one) baddly, but he has hesitations about it. And sometimes I can't help but to think he's holding on so tight to the past, that it's getting in the way of our future.

He has lost contact with his ex and they no longer contact each other.

Answer 1

This is a milestone that should have been addressed before saying "i do"

Answer 2

wow. that's a tough situation. since my miscarriage, my boyfriend has been kind of like that. it was such a hard time for both of us, that he was flip flopping on the subject. but we talked it out (for a long time) and decided that we would wait a few years when we get married. all i can say is have a long talk with him, and tell him that you understand that this is not something that he will get over. but he needs to understand your wishes too. give him time to decide what he really wants, and if he doesn't and you can't compromise on it, divorce should be an option. kids usually isn't something people compromise. you either want them or you don't. i think that he's still grieving and in due time, he will come around. b/c i'm sure there was a lot of joy with his child that he misses.

Answer 3

You need to push it.  Divorce is common in situations like this - one wants kids, one doesn't.  You'll have to convince him that it will be a child created by both of you and he will be able to love it, even if he thinks right now, he can't.  He may think in his mind, he is replacing his other child and that is something hard to overcome.  

Answer 4

I'm sorry you are having a rough time I am going through a similar situation myself at the moment except I have two already but desperately want another but hubby is not so sure.

The only thing I can suggest (it's what I am doing now) is putting a date on the table that you guys can sit down and consider this together properly. I have given my husband 6 months of no baby talk on the agreement that at the end of it he will seriously consider the subject and try to come to some sort of agreement e.g (no pregnancy this year but may be next year or year after).

I know it's hard when you have that need and want for a child, mine has not died down since having my first two I want another as much as I wanted the 1st and 2nd it can be so overwhelming at times.

Try and compromise with your husband, he has his issues about it because of his 1st born and even though it was a decade ago, losing a child never ever leaves a person it will be as raw now as it ever was.

If he is willing to talk about it after the 'cool off' period (that's what we call it) talk about his 1st baby and how he will always be a part of him and that a new baby doesn't mean forgetting him because he will always be celebrated in your hearts.

Good luck, I really feel for you both.

Answer 5

you should have discussed this before you married him. you cannot force someone to want/have children. im sorry for you

Answer 6

I think first off, he needs counseling, not because he's wrong for the way he feels, but so that he can better heal and in a sense "move on" - it's hard to picture the future if you're looking back at the past.  Maybe it'll help him.  I also agree with and answer above suggesting the "cooling off period".  

Best of luck to you!

Answer 7

Well, it seems to me that you have two choices - either live childless with your husband, or leave him so you can find someone who does want kids.  It's beyond me why you would want your child to have a father who doesn't truly want him.  That's pretty unfair to the innocent baby.  So the choice is yours - your husband, or a baby.

Answer 8

I'm not sure what to say, you need to have a serious sit down with your husband and he needs to make a decision. He needs to either tell you he would rather not have another child, as I understand he might have trouble getting over the loss of his first baby or give you a date in the future for when he thinks you will be ready to start trying for a baby.

I can imagine it is hard on you as well and especially for a woman you need to think of your fertility declining as you get older.

I hope you can come to a solution and I hope it's the one you are looking for.

Answer 9

"forgot" to take your birth control for a while

Answer 10

suggest that he sees a therapist about his dead child, he might resist at first but he should give it a go if he sees how much it you want him to be happy and that this might help

but make sure you are doing this for him not just because you want a kid. when he makes up his mind completely, and i sure he will, respect his choice, if he says no then don't pressure him for one i'm sure wouldn't like it in opposite roles

Answer 11

It sounds like he is afraid.  Sometimes when bad things happen, we can't get over the fear or the feeling that more bad things will happen.  I'm sure he doesn't want to ever have to go through that kind of grief again.  He might also feel that having another child is being disloyal to the memory of the first.  Has he talked about this with anyone?  A grief counselor or psychologist?  If not, those feelings of terror and sadness can hang on, even 9 years later.  He may need help gathering up the courage to move forward and try again.