Husband has a little secret about his past...?

Question

Before we got married, my husband had a female friend/coworker that was more than just a friend. Somebody told me the story thinking that I already knew, but I didn't. He has mentioned this person several times, but only that they used to work together and that she was married and they were friends. She was/is unhappily married and my husband apparantly was not good enough to leave her sexless marriage for, and he allowed himself to be used so it was a two way street. Anyhow, she contacted him via email right after we started dating and he did not tell her about me at first, then did. She never contacted again until 6 months later right after we got married to "fish" around to see if he was still with me. He told her we got married and she hasn't contacted him since. My problem is...the other day out of the blue, he mentions to me that he should email her because he hasn't heard from her in so long. Mind you, he does not know that I know the WHOLE story about her. He told me he thought she felt uncomfortable contacting him since he got married. I asked him why that would be if they were just friends and he never gave me a straight answer. He has asked a couple of his friends what they thought of him emailing her and both have said that after all this time, it might send her the wrong message, like he wanted more than just a friendship. My problem is that he doesn't trust me enough to tell me the whole story. If it were truly in the past, I would never really need to know. But there are obviously some unresolved feelings here. Otherwise, why would he need to contact her? Why would he even care anymore? I have old boyfriends who I think of now and then, but I don't look them up. I feel that would be disrespectful to my husband and our marriage. And I don't really care about any Old flames. I feel hurt and I'm not sure if I should let him know that I know the whole story and get it all out in the open. That way he knows how I feel and I KNOW if he knew it bothered me this much, he would let it (and her) go for good. How do I tell him? It's been on my mind ever since he mentioned her the other day.

Answer 1

He isn't just going to see how shes doing. If they were only lovers what would he need to be checking up on her now for? Sounds kind of fishy if you ask me. Also I think it would be a good idea for you to tell him you know the whole story why would he be keep that from you? If your married you normally share everything. But she needs to stay in the past you are his present and future. I understand it would really hurt my feelings if my husband just up and talked about contacting an old lover.  

Answer 2

you should keep asking him questions about it to see how much he's going to lie about.After you get all the answers that you need, you should let him know that you know the whole story.I am married too and whenever my husband lie about something there is always something extra going on that i shouldn't be happening.Good luck!  

Answer 3

Nothing about his relationship with this woman really says "old friend" to me.  The unhealthy arrangement they had to begin with, the fact that he didn't tell her about you at first, then wasn't honest with YOU about HER to begin with... and the fact that she's either not comfortable or not interested in contacting him now that he's married.

So it's not like you're asking him not to speak to his best friend.  If you've expressed that the situation makes you uncomfortable, he should absolutely drop it.  

Answer 4

Maybe he's ashamed of himself for sleeping with a married woman and doesn't want you to know that he has it in him to be a low-down dirty dog given the right circumstances.

Answer 5

wow he's hiding something!

i have no idea what to do...you can either tell him you know or snoop around some more to see if he cheats....tough one

Answer 6

Your spouse should be your closest friend.

You are not being honest and neither is he. This is a shame.

He is married to YOU and has NO business contacting this bimbo.

Tell him what you know and try to get to the bottom of his "curiosities".

Good luck.

Answer 7

You need to be serious with him and tell him what you heard.  You didn't hear the story from him so it may not even be the right one.  You have to be open with your husband and when you do make it about YOU and not him.  When you explain to him how you feel use the word "I".  Don't blame him otherwise he will get defensive and you will get nowhere.  You are married so you should have an open communication.  But I do agree, he doesn't need to be contacting an old flame and I'd straight out tell him that if it was my husband.  Oh and if it turns out they are just friends and they go out to meet or anything YOU NEED TO BE THERE.  Do not let this woman get him alone because to her he is "off limits" and she may try to do whatever she can to get him to be bad.

Answer 8

Tell him that you know....then sit down and have a talk.

Answer 9

Yes, definitely talk to him and let him know that you know. Don't accuse him or anything like that - sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of the situation, so just have a chat and gently let him know that you are aware of the nature of their past relationship, and you wanted to get it off your chest. In this light, you can explain that it would make you feel uncomfortable if he spoke to her again. I can see why your husband wanted to spare you this information; it's not that he doesn't trust you - it's probably a chapter in his life that he's not really proud of, and that he rather not bring to light. I also wouldn't read too much into it; yes, they may have had a physical relationship at some point, but it doesn't automatically mean that they weren't also friends or that there are unresolved feelings. And even if there are - all the more reason for you to just have a conversation with him about it and bring it out in the open, instead of nursing your "hurt feelings" in private and imagining things that simply aren't there. How to tell him? Well, you could pick a quiet moment and say something like, "by the way, I thought I need to tell you this: I have known about what you had with so-and-so all along, sorry for keeping it from you." See what he says. He might be shocked, or he might already suspect that you know. In any case, don't be judgmental or accuse him of anything - just tell him that you are uncomfortable with the thought of him keeping in touch with this person, and ask him if it would be ok for the two of you to put this issue to rest, now that the cat is out of the bag.

Answer 10

You need to let him know.  You are married and you should be open and honest with each other.  He is your husband, you should be able to tell him anything and everything.  If he gets really angry at you then you will be able to tell if there are unresolved feelings, but if he reacts how you say he will (by letting the situation and her go) then you know he loves you and it was an innocent curiosity.  Its not your fault someone told you the situation.  You need to get this off your chest... if it is bothering you this much then its something you need to do for your own health.  Don't let your emotions and feelings eat away at you from the inside.  Good luck

Answer 11

Relationships stay healthy by open communicaton and honesty.  Tell him you know (the source is not an issue) and explain exactly how you see it, that he might be sending mixed signals just as his friends have said.  Give him the example of you getting in touch with an ex boyfriend and see if his thoughts are the same.  And let him know that some skeletens are okay to keep in the closet, but most will sneak out to haunt him.  

Answer 12

He's your husband. Why are you pretending you don't know the whole story?  Jebus.

Answer 13

Let him know you are aware of the whole story and that you prefer him not to contact her by any means.  The past is the past and it needs to stay there.  Don't wake up the dog.

Answer 14

This is a hard one. Becasue I personally would want to know if he really does have any feelings for her.

The reason why I say this is because one of my college friends recently meet up with her old boyfriend from school after about two years. He is unhappily married and has recently told her that he never stopped loving her, and he just basically got his wife because his family kind of expected him to do it.  So now, the guy is miserable, the wife is unhappy, and the guys kids are going to be the one ultimately hurt in the end.

So, I totally would want to know where he stands with this woman so that you can prepare yourself.  If he tells you that it is nothing then all you can go is by what he says but, if anything does go down you can always revert back to what he told you with his own mouth.

Answer 15

Everybody has little secrets...Geez louise...you have a ton of them that will go to your grave. If you are concerned about this relationship...tell him to knock it off. If you are not...then let it go. My opinion is that if I had a GF and started to dump emotions on...I would be in fact unfaithful to my wife. The same goes for my wife...If she starts calling a male friend at midnight after we had a fight instead of trying to resolve things with me...that's just as bad as a sexual relationship...'cause mind melding and emotional dependancies with an extra marital relationship can be more damaging to the marriage. Take Care...sort your man out...and keep away from past flings

Answer 16

Just tell him the truth that you heard it and how you heard. Tell him it makes you feel weird when he talks about her.  If there was nothing there why would he contact her at all? If he knows you know about it and our keeping an eye on him with it he will be less likely to slip up.

Answer 17

After reading your story, I think you are the on that is wrong for keeping the secret from your husband.  It does not sound like he did anything wrong, outside of an office affair and he obviously was embarrassed about it, that is why he does not bring it up and it really is not your business anyway.   It is over, but that does not mean he does not care for her anymore.  He most likely wants to make sure she is ok and nothing more.  You should confess to him what you know, he may get mad - I certainly would.

Answer 18

Hes playing a little game, but then so are you. You know about what really happened, why havent you come out and told him so? You are just seeing what hes gonna say next. Call him out. Tell him what you know and then you can ask him why he wants to email her. He should have no contact with this woman what so ever. The longer you put this off, the more you are only torturing yourself.  

Answer 19

Ask him how he would feel if some guy who you had "no strings attached" s*x with started contacting you again. Come on,  you know why he wants to contact her. If their relationship was solely based on s*x then that would be the only reason to contact her. Let him know that you know and that you would be upset if he decided to talk to her again. He obviously does not see marriage as something sacred anyways since he participated in the possible destruction of another person's marriage with infidelity so i doubt he has a problem stepping outside of his own.

Answer 20

Just sit him down an come out with it. Tell him how you feel about the entire situatition. Honesty is the best policy, dont keep it in any longer tearing you up inside. Give it to him raw and uncut!!! I would .  

Answer 21

My advice is sit down and talk to him.  Lay it out straight and be totally honest.  Tell him what you heard from your friend (you don't know the honest truth because you weren't there, so you have to give it some room for flexibility - you've played that "phone" game in school, right?).  

He will appreciate your honesty and your being open like that, and he will also feel more comfortable with you.

Answer 22

Let it all out in the open.

You don't need to discuss in detail what happened, but definitely mention you know the "history" behind your husband and this woman.

Then perhaps ask if he has any feelings for her still...this might either stop him from even emailing her again or it might open up Pandora's box.

I agree with the friends that said, that she would get the wrong message, that he's fishing for her now.

If he says, that because they do have a history - he might be wanting to check up on her to see if she's okay - but again, this is a door that does not need to be reopened.  The past is done and gone.  This is definitely a wound that will rip through the two of you if he insists in contacting her.

Answer 23

well it's not a secret anymore now is it?

Answer 24

You should tell him you know what happened between them and tell him how you feel about it.

Answer 25

let him know that you know the truth

Answer 26

I'd call this "the elephant in the middle of the living room", not a "little secret about his past."

You need to discuss this like the 39 year old ADULTS you are.  This is not something in the past, clearly, or it wouldn't be rearing it's ugly head.

I agree with you that toying with ex's is a bad idea, and potentially disastrous to a marriage. I would ask him, in no uncertain terms, to stop all contact with this woman.  She clearly doesn't respect marital vows, so don't expect her to respect yours!!!

Now, the question is, does your husband respect HIS vows?

Answer 27

Hi,

I can understand why you may feel bothered by this. Relationships thrive on communication. I suggest getting the whole thing out in the open so it can be discussed rationally. This is the only way to relieve your anxiety. He may be afraid to tell you and not wish to cause you unnecessary worry. He could very well just be curious. I think that since he has a history with this woman, he should probably avoid communication with her. Assure him of your love him. Tell him that you want your relationship built around trust and honesty. Tell him that you need to talk with him about something. Then reveal to him as tactfully as you can that you are aware of his past relationship with her being more than friends. Let him know that for him to contact her would make you uncomfortable. Let him know how thankful you are for him and his love for you. Tell him that you feel it's important that neither of you do anything to jeopardize the love you share. Talk to him about your future together and how you look forward to spending the rest of your life with him. Stay calm and rational during your conversation. I think this would be the best approach. You want to be non threatening, but honest about how you feel and to the point.

I wish you the very best!

Answer 28

I AGREE with everyone that said just tell him you know and why act like you do not know.  Open the door of communication instead of going on and building up anger and hurt within yourself.  Let him know that this hurt you.  People are not born knowing how to please each other, we learn and teach each other what our needs are.  In the future just be open and allow him to be and you will probably have a storybook marriage (with fewer mishaps)

Answer 29

Holy Cow! I think the next time he mentions her, you should just tell him straight out that you know the whole story and it doesn't bother you because it is his past. After getting that out, I would ask him why he wants to keep in contact with a "booty call". Then put him in your shoes. Ask him if it would be ok if you started talking to and old "friend". He may get defensive and deny the whole story, but don't get up set. Keep your calm about you. Don't yell or cry. I would also ask him if there is something missing in the bedroom between you two. Tell me to be completely honest, no matter how weird the request is.

Answer 30

Just tell him you know.

Then go from there.  

Answer 31

Well... you could tell him that you know about his relationship with that woman directly, and also advice him to settle things with her.

If you don't do this now, and solve the problem, it may became a big issue in your relationship. Talk to him calmly and tell him that you are not against a friendly relationship between them. And also you should complain about his lack of trust in you.You are there for him, to help him, not to judge him or harm him in any way. You must make him understand that it is important for the both of you to trust each other, and for him to be honest with himself about his feelings towards you and that woman.

In my opinion it is for the best to be sincere and say what you really think/feel, no matter of the outcome.You might discover some interesting things about yourself and others.

Good luck :)

Diana