Husband hates that i smoke, but i don't want to quit.. What to do?

Question

I asked this in the marriage&divorce section but now want your input.

Ok, so i started smoking when i was 17yo, met my husband at 19 & quit at 20 the minute i suspected i was pregnant, i never smoked again until my son was 4months & i came back to work.

I don't smoke every day but when i do i smoke 1-3cigs a day, when i get home i wash my hands, pull my hair back & either take off or change my shirt so i know i'm being careful. Still my husband gets SO mad that i smoke, i don't smoke in the house, not inside or outside, i only smoke when i'm away from my son.

I can't smoke when i'm with hubby because he gets mad, i can't even smoke comfortably. I know he worries about my health but it should be my choice, right? I don't want him to be happy about it but i want him to at least tolerate it, like he did when we were dating..

How can i make him understand that i won't quit & that he should let me be??

I don't need to hear that i should stop, i'll quit when i'm ready, so don't waste your time.

Answer 1

Tell him that its not like your smoking crack and that the constant badgering about it stresses you out so much that all you want to do is have a g** da** cigarette.  

Try to talk about it as sensibly as possible, maybe set up a 2 year plan to quit plan or something - no one wants to be a smoker for ever right?

Answer 2

I am of the understanding that if you put up with it before you got married, you don't really have an argument with it after wards.  He should addressed it before you got engaged if it were important to him.  Once you ask some one to marry them, you are saying you are accepting them as they are, not as something they may become later if I nag them enough.

EDIT:Didn't you list yourself "as-is" in your ad anyways?

Answer 3

I used to get real mad at my boyfriend for the same exact reason, and I mean mad!!  he likes to smoke just like you about 3-4 cigs a day, not a lot at all.  He doesn't even buy them my dad just gives them to him b/c he smokes so little!  He just had a talk with me and told me that he's grown and he likes to do it and I should just accept it.  And its not likehe spends money on it.  

Answer 4

I answered your question in the previous catergory. It looks to me like you are only looking for validation for you habit, you simply dismiss everyone who says you should quit.

You know you should quit and you are feeling bad that you won't. You feel that validation from other smokers will make you feel better. That is why you have now asked this question twice. The guilt will never leave you until you quit.

Even though you know deep down you should quit you will never admit to it. I said to you last time that your husband and son are still breathing in your second hand smoke and it looks like you haven't taken this on board at all. As for changing your clothes and washing after smoking, I don't believe that for a second and I doubt many others will either.

So when will this supposed "quit when I feel like it" time arrive when you are in your hospital bed with your husband and son crying at your side is my guess.

I'm sorry to be so harsh but this is the reality of the situation. If you don't think of quitting soon you will never quit. I really hope you do though, not just for your husband and son, do it for yourself.  

Answer 5

I've had this same problem with my husband.  Like you, I've been an on/off smoker for years.  I actually quit for 2 years when I was pregnant with my first and 2 years after I got pregnant with my second.  Some how or another I just seemed to get around to doing it again. (I'm on my last pack though, I swear!!)

Anyhow, like you, I was a smoker when we met.  I even recall saying on an early date when he was complaining about it "I don't plan on quiting, so if you have a problem with it, then . . . "  So really I think that he doesn't have any leg to stand on b!tching about it now.

But he kind of does have a reason to be bothered by it now.  Things have changed.  I'm the mother of his children and his wife.  Sure he should have thought about that before, and he can't make me stop, but I can see why it would bother him now and not then.  He just doesn't understand that its an addiction.  Eventually I got tired of sneaking off, lying about it, and dousing myself in perfume, and we just talked it over.  Maybe that would help you?

I wish I had more advice for you.  You certainly have the right as an individual to smoke, be he kinda has the right as your husband to ***** about it.  Kind of like you probably would if he had diabetes in his family and was downing a cake every evening, or something.

Answer 6

I know what you mean, my boyfriend and I were smokers when we were younger, and now that he only smokes when he drinks, which is very rarely, he'll always make me feel bad about smoking.

I didn't smoke at all throughout my entire pregnancy, but for some (stupid) reason I started smoking about 1-2 a day, not much but enough for him to get onto me about it. Anyways all I say to him is that, I really plan on quitting for good, but right now I'm not mentally ready to do so, I'm sorry that's my flaw, what's yours?  

Answer 7

Tell him he is suppose to love you for better or or worse. Not weather if you smoke or not. It sounds like he is trying to be controlling, and so far you are sort of winning.

My husband and I have been married 5 years now, and my husband has NEVER told me I had to quit. He has never even hinted he wanted me too. He knew when he married me, he got the whole package. Smoking including. Sounds like your hubby is trying to change you. Don't let him.  

Answer 8

The small amount that you are smoking is not as likely to cause as many health problems. As long as you are not smoking in the car (Even if baby isn't in there with you, the smell and chemicals are still present) and not in the house, tell him to back off.

Answer 9

You quit, because your husband is concerned about his wife and the mother of his child.  You do it for him, you do it for your child, and you do it for you.  You want to be a healthy mom who is around to raise her child and your potential grandchildren, right?  You want to set a good example for your child, right?  Just my opinion.  I know it will be hard, but YOU CAN DO IT!

Answer 10

You need to sit down with him and explain that its your choice. Your not smoking near your son so thats great, you only smoke one  to three cigarettes a day and you should be able to do this comfortably without worying about your husband giving you a hard time. He should accept this,  im sure he has some habbits that annoy you, mabey bring some of these up and make him realise that you accept his little "flaws" and he should accept yours.

Answer 11

I had the same problem back in the day with my hubby.

We both smoked as teenagers, and by the time he turned 26 he stopped, I continued.

And EVERYDAY he would pressure me into quiting...I didnt. I told him. You dated me knowing this baout me, you fell in love with me knowing this about me, you married me knowing this about me, and so now you should know this about me, I will when I AM ready, not when you want me too. That kept him silent for awhile.

LOL then we seperated for awhile....and the stress made him start back up.

Then I stopped when I found out I was pregnant, but he continued to smoke. The only thing I asked of him was to smoke away from the house and not in the car. I never asked him to quit because that was his choice to make not mine.

You cant change a person, you can only ask for improvements. Thats how I see it.  I hope whatever choice you make , you and your husband will be content with the out come. Good Luck!!!

Answer 12

I get that you'll quit when you're ready, but can you understand your husband's point of view too?  He loves you and is obviously very concerned for your health.  We know that many people who never smoke die of cancer, we also know that those who do, have a higher risk for it.  He's just concerned about you, especially now that you have a child together, he wants you to be around to see him grow up and have a family of his own.  Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but that's how I see it.  Ask him to back off a little after you try and explain that you understand his fears and concerns.