Husband in early stages of Alzheimer's, still managing finances. Overdrawn! Suggestions?

Question

My husband is in the very early stages. He knows it and it bothers him terribly. His mother and 3 aunts died from this disease.

My husband brings in all the money. Military retirement, service connected disability VA benefits and social security. We were in a bad auto accident and I am unemployable at 46.

He is only 67. He insists on managing the money and even though he makes an adequate income for our family of 4, we are always overdrawn and unable to meet our financial responsibilities.

If I managed our income we could live within our means. He always says "MY money, MY money"

Any ideas how I can gain control of our family finances, before it is too late?

Our home will be paid for in 4 years with appropriate financial planning.

Answer 1

frist thing, you need to have a doctor document the proof of his stage one alzhiemers. You need to work and be patient and when he does the financing, monitor it closely, Open a SECOND account, and with the documentation from doctor, have the majority of money go into this account. YOU write the bills, or pay on line or over phone. Cancel check book he is using, yet allow him to write the checks, offer to mail bills etc, which of course you dont do. ITS A LOT OF CHILD PSYCHOLOGY.

if he needs to write out bills every week, let him, ...but you have to find away, to "put them in mail"....again, pay bills over phone with the second account, so basically he is writing out bad checks, from account thats closed, but it will give him peace of mind. Dont bother explaining or showing second account or paying over phone or internet, its not worth it.

I've been caring for alzhiemers patients for 30 years, still do, and have wives in your exact situation now. feel free to email me if you want for any more info.

There are places to call, like your local VNA, also the doctors now have new meds to help with this stage.

but its mostly "reverse or child pschy" thats helps most. Just be patient. You're in for a long road.

Def close any accounts he has access to. IF he finds out, yes he'll be mad, but he'll get over it. and having the "fake" check account, should surely help. good luck

Answer 2

I do not have any advice good enough to give I know dealing  a stubborn man can be tough but I want you to know that I am a nurse in a nursing home and alzheimer's  disease I believe is the scariest disease,and I will have your family in my prayers.

Answer 3

I think it is cause this is one thing that he is in control of. Tell him you only want to help with the finances and then take it from there.

Answer 4

This is probably the toughest problem one can have these days, because there are few solutions and little help.  We went thru this with my mom not too long ago.

Start with contacting a social worker who is in care of the elderly and see if she can hook you up with a judge for some type of custodial powers for you.  Be sure you take some evidence (if you can get it) of his condition - maybe from his doctor.  If you need to hire an attorney, do so.  Start with the lawyer's free consultation and maybe he can give you more ideas as to what you can do in your jurisdiction.

It would not pay to discuss this with your husband beforehand.  He will not give up any control, because he knows he's losing ground and does not want this to progress.  It is natural and heartbreaking, but you have to deal with the reality.

After you get this power of attorney, go to your bank and explain to them what you want to do and enlist their help.

The worst reality you will have to deal with is the financial situation after he is put in a nursing home.  Please be sure you have enough money coming in afterwards for your basic needs, as most of his income will be going elsewhere.

I will be praying for you and sincerely wish you the best.

Everybody here has given you excellent advice.  Most importantly, DO IT NOW.

Answer 5

First, I am very sorry that your husband is ill.  I have seen Alzheimer's up close, and it is truly sad.  My heart goes out to you.  Sounds like this is the least of your problems though. "MY" money? Wow, whatever hap pend to "OUR" money? Maybe you should talk to him about it. Tell him that you should do the finances together every month, because it is your house too and you have every right to know what is going on with your finances. I hope this helps.

Answer 6

It sounds as if he doesn't want to lose control of it.  So instead of taking it over tell him you want to help with it.  Handle the bills and checking account jointly.  Figure out a budget together.  Maybe if it is a team effort then it will not make him feel inadequate

Answer 7

While he's still able to reason, talk with him about appointing you as power of attorney, giving you control of the money when he becomes incapacitated. My aunt was diagnosed with Alzheimers, and appointed one of her nieces to do this. It can be a big, legal mess without it. As I'm sure you know, when people have Alzheimers, their behavior can change into aggressiveness.

Do you have access to the bank account? Maybe you could withdraw money in small increments from it and open a savings account at a seperate bank.

I'm sorry this is happening.

Answer 8

Work with him so that it is "our" money, not his, not yours, but ours.

Answer 9

My Father died after five years of my taking care of all damage control for that time span.  That was ten years ago and I am still recovering from the magnitude of it.  If you can't put your foot down is there a relative that can put the genie in the bottle.  A firm hand is needed to take care of the finances as the problems that can occur can sometimes be of a non-recoverable version.  Remember that paranoia and dementia goes with alzheimers.  I am still occassionaly finding little stashes of cash in my Father's house that he squirreled away and forgot about.  Only somebody who has walked that path would understand.  Don't ignore this or wait; get on it now.  It is like pulling tape off a hairy chest or something; just do it and then start breathing again.  Good luck.  If you should have specific questions don't hesitate to ask me for "how to" experience based advice.  

Answer 10

Tell him you'll have to learn soon enough on your own, and that you want to give it a try.

And that if you need any help, you'll ask for his advice.

Answer 11

Does he have a will? If he does it might have listed who has power of attorney over his estate should he die or be incapacitated. If he doesn't have a will, or power of attorney is not listed then you as his wife have that power. You would then need to get a doctor (or two) to certify that your husband in unfit to manage his finances. His family members could contest it, not saying they would but could, so talk to a lawyer.

Answer 12

Talk to his doctor. If this is causing this much trouble for you, get a copy of his medical record and see a lawyer about getting him declared incompetent, and taking control of finances.

It sounds harsh, but your family - including your husband - depend on you, and some hurt feelings are a small price to pay for not ruining your families financial future. If you have kids, you really need to be proactive about the situation. It isn't going to get better, and only can get worse.  So sorry about your and your husbands situation.