Husband searched for and contacted ex? (Sorry this is long)?

Question

I've brought this up before but I didn't give details.(My spouse searched for his ex on-line. Contacted her relatives looking for her. Then proceeded to contact her. He wouldn't admit if they met physically or

not. He also would contact her through phone calls or email. He was talking to her one time and told our child who was there, not to tell me. He did this all secretly. He said he was just curious and it was 3 or 4 years ago.)

He says he can't tell me the truth because I blow things out of proportion. (I guess lying about secret relations with an ex is something only I would blow out of proportion?) I found out this year quite a while after the fact, but it's still fresh and new to me. I have gotten counseling. I feel like maybe he's with me by default. Or like I'm a second fiddle. But my spouse insists it's not cheating as he didn't sleep with her. My boundary is if you have to hide it from your spouse or it's something you wouldn't dare do in front of them, then it certainly crossing the line.

I got a little frustrated when some responses were to tell my spouse how I felt about it. I did but to no avail. And other responses told me to ask him how he would feel if I did that - Well I did. He just said he wouldn't like it either or something lame like that. Even if he knows he wouldn't like it either, that won't stop him, he still does it! He doesn't seem to care about how I feel. He wants to do what he wants to do any way. He has apologized but he hasn't said he wouldn't do it again. He hasn't said he will take her out of the picture. He said if she called him again he would let me know. (Yeah right.)

I'm looking for true penance. For it to stop. No more private phone calls to whomever. No more secret relationships, no more excluding me from the friendships he has with the opposite s*x. I haven't done these things to him. He won't make phone calls around me or pick them up around me if the phone rings. He won't tell me because "he can't be open and honest with me". What's my question.... How do you let go of someone you love when they don't treat you the way you treat them?

Answer 1

He is not gonna stop talking to them. He's gonna do it behind your back. Either you deal with it or put a stop to it. Tell him straight out, it's either them or me. Ask him if he is willing to lose you over them. He just doesn't see nothing wrong with that. Although he already know how you feel, and yet he hasn't stopped. You're gonna have to give him an ultimatum.

Answer 2

You know what cheating is to me? It's when you let another person into your heart and life,even a little and you don't respect your wife enough not to do that. It is so frustrating isn't it. You think, you idiot, you have it all , your going to lose it all, and you act as though I mean nothing. I'm sure you've been through allot and part of you doesn't want to let go..I'm sorry , you have to let him go.You know how,? You start respecting and expecting more for yourself..and when you do, it won't hurt nearly as bad. You will realize you are worth much more than that!!  Then you will leave and be happy by yourself or find someone better.You deserve to have someone put it all on the table and never have to look over your shoulder wondering what's he hiding.

Answer 3

"He says he can't tell me the truth..."

"He doesn't seem to care about how I feel."

"He won't make phone calls around me or pick them up around me if the phone rings. He won't tell me because he 'can't be open and honest with me'."

He sounds like a teenager hiding something from his mother, not a loving husband in a happy marriage.  There's no easy way to let go of someone you love, but from what you've stated here, he's not honoring his marriage vows; you need to lawyer up & get rid of him.  

Answer 4

That is a tough question but if I were in your situation I would have to wonder just how far the relationship with the ex has gone.  If he lied about the phone calls and emails then I believe he would lie about bigger things (a physical relationship).  If he isn't willing to take your feelings into consideration then you really need to ask yourself what kind of relationship do you have with this man.

Answer 5

To truly answer your question? honestly?   Move on.

I hear all the questions you have in what you are saying however what you really need to know is the last part of your response. how do you move on? I think the questions you are asking even the ones you have asked of him have to do with yourself. are YOU settling? you know all he has done is incorrect thinking and intrusive marital actions but somehow you feel through clarification you owe him what?

I don't condone a release of commitment based on hearsay or conjection however a persons need for secrecy has to do with merely 2 factors. your need to control him or his need to control you? either are inappropriate and in need of seperation.

my advice is merely this. again...Move on.

Don't do what makes so many of us fail..... getting caught up in judgements, justifications or excuses... they are irrellevent. they are merely ones story and show little evidence to fact..... they are our stories.

Like a diet, a drug addiction even alcoholism you need to find another focus. often the best is your own self improvement. join a new group, find a great friend. invest in a new life free of deciept and don't look back. put your new found interests to work, if your spouse has any credibility he will join along side you even enough to submit to your new goal of happiness. one free of any need to contact old hang-ups.

one you have dedicated your life to now as well?

don't look back sweetheart!!

God bless

Answer 6

It's obvious that this man is going to continue to behave in this manner. It seams like you have tried most things.

I would say ask him to leave. Tell him you will be staying in the marital home so that you can raise the child. If he asks why and gets upset explain that you want a real marriage and do not want to be lied to any longer. That should shake him up. I wouldn't believe him if he said it would stop because obviously his word does not seam to have a lot of value.

So get him out of the house and then begin the healing process. Go to counseling, exercise, spend time with your child and start planning your new life. This is really a new adventure for you. Take a little time to decide when to file for divorce. He might want to work on things but if he does I would make him wait and do it very slowly. I would also say that you want possession of his cell phone and then have it turned off. Only have one cell phone and make that one yours. Cut off the land line. I would insist on this.

If he doesn't want to comply, do what is best for yourself and your child. Your child does not need to grow up seeing a bad marriage.

I wish you the best of luck.  

Answer 7

Seems pretty plain. He knows it bothers you a lot. He even said he wouldn't like it either. But he does it. It's not like it's something he really has to do, but it's something he seems to want to do. So, he apparently wants some kind of contact with her more than he wants to avoid doing something that hurts you. (And, of course, he bleats about you complaining about something he already said was hurtful.) If he was just curious, he should have satisfied that curiosity by now. If he was guilt ridden about something he did to her, he should have apologized and been freed of it by now. And, if it was either of those things, he could have told you and told you it's out of his system and over.

Okay. You're pretty clearly not going to get any penance or commitment out of this monkey. You sit down and get straight on the fact that you can love someone but not want to be with them and decide if that's the position you're in. Here's a line from a woman who was on the way out the door: "It took me this long to learn not to love you."

Answer 8

Honestly Im married and if my husband would ever do that to me I would be devastated. The fact that u found out and it still does not bother him is weird. And its even harder since u already have a child together so he then knows ur not going anywhere and he thinks he can have u and can have someone else. He may not have had a physical relationship with her but even so, an emotional one is still cheating and some find it worse. You really need to sit him down and let him know you arent up for these stupid games he is playing with you; and that you can be just fine with or without him.

You should get him scared and let him feel bad for what he is doing to you and let him realize if its worth it to lose the family he has now for some dumb ex from the past. He obviously doesnt care for her because if he did he would have never married u or had a family with u. Just remember u have the control in this situation.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 9

You both need counseling, marriage counseling. He's not owning up to his part of this problem and he is causing the problem by hiding all of his calls and friends. this is a huge no no. You could go the show him how it feels route but that will just back fire... Ugh, marriage counseling is your best bet (faith based if you both believe in GOD is prefered), often times people involved in the situation can't see the other side since they are living in it and need a neutral outside voice to help get them back on track. Hope it helps, I'm in premarital counseling, we've already had different issue with not seeing the other persons side, so its been helping. It does sound like you are ready to give up but if you love him don't, ask him if he will do it, if he says no, then tell him you might need a separation because he obviously doesn't care about how you feel. Good luck.

Answer 10

Keep up the couseling! I was in therapy earlier in the year because I am with someone now that is WONDERFUL but my past ****** boyfriends really did some damage. I noticed the past creeping into my mind and refused to let it get the best of me. Keep going to counseling...go with the intention of leaving him. Talk to a shrink about how to move on and what you should do.

I have looked for ex's but never contacted them. I look because I am curious about where they are now, and some I am looking to assure myself that they are miserable...still. Again, I would never contact them because I know it would upset my BF. AND, when they sporatically contact me (it's happened again and again) I IGNORE them like the plague, AND I tell my BF that they texted or messaged me...no secrets! You know this, now you need to work on moving on. It's a slow process but it CAN be done and it CAN be better!

Answer 11

"My boundary is if you have to hide it from your spouse or it's something you wouldn't dare do in front of them, then it certainly crossing the line"

You answered your own question.  You have done everything you can do. So how long will you put up with his behaviour before you walk out?

Answer 12

I think that if you made up a phony relationship and had someone call you when he's around he could possiblly see how the shoe fits on the other foot.Maybe he will see how it makes you feel. If not maybe you should ask him to move out for awhile. Or seek conseling

Answer 13

I won't go into the gory details of my story, but I've recently found out that my wife has had an on going relationship with her ex (mainly through email and phone calls). This "friendship" pre-dates our marriage and they have been talking for years. It really wasn't a big deal (especially since I didn't know about it) until we moved back to her home town, when things really did get a lot worse - for me anyway. The only thing I can do is suggest you read a book called "After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring and I suggest you ask your husband to read it as well. I think it might help with some of the feelings you're having as well as help you determine if you can or should "let go." I believe that if your husband reads it too, he might have a better understanding of what you're going through and how you feel. I'd also suggest marriage counseling where you both can have a "safe" place to talk and get a better understanding of what's going on and where your marriage really is.

Answer 14

You get yourself proof of these wrong-doings first and quietly. Either hire a PI or do the work yourself. He is not going to stop, at least not until you decide to leave.

Call the other woman (women) get their story. Talk to them woman to woman. They will then tell your husband that you have contacted them. No big deal because you are on your way out, go to a lawyer or mediator and file for separation or divorce, whatever your state law is. Then leave. You are going to end up with a disease from this man. He does not care about you. It is obvious that he does not care about you regardless of if he is "really" cheating or not. It's emotional cheating. He can be planning to leave you as we speak.

You said you are in counseling, I am too. Talk to your counselor about how to deal with leaving someone you are comfortable with and how you can deal with going on a different path in your life that you had chosen. You will be fine, and better off.

Good luck.

You can also have him go to counseling as well.

Answer 15

I've been through a similar situation.  I had to become an investigator because even though I had no evidence of foul play, my gut feeling told me that my husband was hiding something.  I eventually did find emails between my husband and his ex girlfriend which were sexually explicit.  Incidentally, I found emails between him and some other "women" with intentions for strictly sexual relationships......planned "hook ups" for when he was on out-of-town trips.  I won't go into the outcome, but follow yoinstinctinct.  If you can't trust him, if he isn't willing to prove that you CAN trust him, ...it's not worth torturing yourself.  The insecurities that come along with a situation like this are brutal on EVERYTHING good that's occuring in your life.  If a significant change in communication can't be compromised, you need to find your way out of this relationship.  Wouldn't you rather be with someone who wants to be invested in ONLY you anyway?  Your relationship is nothing without trust, communication, honesty, respect, and love.  His actions don't reflect any of that.  

Answer 16

I say if this has been going on for longer than one or two times... three times is a charm, honey.  YOU chose if this is how you want to live your life.  

How do you let go of someone you love when they don't treat you the way you treat them?   Well, you surprise the h**l out of them... Treat yourself the way you treat him and you will get the understanding and courage it takes to leave him high and dry.  s***w that... you're not a doormat.  You're his WIFE.

Answer 17

Hmm - some warped thinking going on in your husband's head.  If her were open and honest with you then he would take all phone calls etc round you because it would not bother him.  As to hiding things from you it is called being deceitful  Suggest he looks those words up in a dictionary then show him the way to to front door.

Answer 18

There is going to be a certain point where you will shut down emotionally for him and then you will know that you are ready to let him go.  I know it's hard because you've been married to him for a long time and your love for him will never actually go way.  But there is a point where what he is doing is going to push you over the edge and then you will feel like you're emotions for him will shut down and you will feel numb.  That's when you know to let him go. There should not be any secrets between the two of you and he should respect your wishes that you don't want any secrets. It's like he don't want to let you go but he don't want to miss the chance of talking with his ex either. He has to make a choice or you will eventually make it for him. You will realize that you don't deserve this and you will find someone that will treat you right.  It may not be right now...take care of yourself and build up your self esteem and then when you're ready find a companion.  Focus on yourself and  your children and you will be fine.