Husband stayed out all night drinking, wouldn't answer his cell phone.....?

Question

I woke up at 5 this morning and he still wasn't home so I started frantically calling all the area Emergency Rooms and the police station. He walked in 10 minutes later. I know he wasn't cheating on me, but I can't understand the rational for not answer his f****** cell phone. I took the cushions off the couch and made him sleep on the floor, he moved to our sons room and when the boy woke up at 8 I took him out of his crib and let him stay in there to "play" with dad, the boy is thrilled to be doing so, the hubby, not so much.

So mad! What can I do, nothing obviously, but I want to make him understand how absolutely terrified I was this morning when he wouldn't answer and wasn't home.

Answer 1

Hubby has done this a couple times to me.  It's so terrifying to wake and find they're not home, but they see nothing wrong with it.  Hubby once wasn't home by 3 AM, so I freaked out and hit the roads...pretty well knowing all his 'hangouts.'  He wound up being at one of his friend's (used very loosely) sister's houses.  I beat on the door like I owned it!  My friend got in his truck and we left him there!  He came dragging in shortly after and told me he'd fallen asleep on the couch with his friend, watching movies.  I told him he could stay there the next time it happened!!

The next time it happened, his brother got ticked off at him and left him at his friend's house.  He found his belongings stacked at the garbage cans down the drive!  He got the hint, needless to say, and decided from that point on, if he wanted to keep his wife, kids and home, that he'd better use that cell phone and call home!  He also decided that he was better off friendless than wifeless!  He has it too good!

Moral of the story is plain, but true...I ran off all his friends and he agreed that we were better friends, soul mates and family and that they just weren't worth busting up our home.  Besides, it's embarassing to be seen dragging your clothes back in the house from the curb in garbage bags...and he doesn't want to live with his mommy!!

As far as making him realize how scared you were, Hon, let me tell you...men are like little boys!!  They don't see the fear for the fun!  The only way you're going to wake him up is shake him up!  Let him sleep on the front porch and let him use the clothes you've thrown in garbage bags as pillows and when he comes dragging up the porch the next AM, sit him down and lay down the law.  I don't believe in women wearing the pants...but SOMEONE has to wear them!  If he's more into having fun and not calling home, wear em, Darlin'!  

God bless you, Hon.  I know it's tough right now, but it's not too late to fix things.  Just make sure he understands you won't stand for it!

Answer 2

My Husband has only done that once to me, and I nearly divorced him over it.

In 8 years together, I had never been so mad, angry or disappointed in him. And I let him know about it. I didn't speak to him for over 2 weeks.

I was fuming and he knew it. I yelled at him in front of his parents, and really let him know what I thought.

It worked for me, he has been on his best behaviour since. But I don't think I will ever get over feeling as sick as I did that night, not knowing where he was, why he wasn't home.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Answer 3

Men, don't you love them. They just don't understand the concept of communication. He would not have even considered the fact that you would have been worried. He would have been too busy worrying about the fun he was having.

Let him care for bubs today, as a reminder that he is a father, and it is not appropriate to be out drinking all night anymore. It is a bad influence on your kids.

Answer 4

i have been married to a devout partier for 2 1/2 years now, we have been together for 5. every guy is different, so my case of course is not typical but this is what i did and it worked.you and your hubby have to establish boundries that neither will cross. my hubby and i , first "boundry" was, that no matter where he was or what he was doing (friends house, bar etc.-this of, course excludes any kind of involvment with another woman, that is given!) he has to be home by 4. that is when the bars close, so no matter the deal, 4am. he has to keep his cell phone to where i can reach him at anytime. if he doesn't answer he knows that there will be a huge problem. he absolutely cannot stay the night anywhere-i don't care what he has drunk, or done, he is to be home period. whether it be a taxi, a  friend or even to call me to pick him up (that happend only once our entire relationship) the trick: dont talk when your pissed. you will come off as bossy and demending, like a parent. remember he isn't your kid, and your are wanting these boundries to make your marriage better. our boundries have even changed. now, since we are married he isn't to go to the bar without me. neither of us think it is a good situation to go to the bar without one another. i don't care how much control someone has, everyone makes mistakes, why add a situtation??. it isn't a good enviroment for a married guy/girl  to be hanging at the bar when his wife/hubby  is somewhere else. when i ran into an old friend of his who happend to be a girl, she said" oh, i seen jay the other night at so & so's bar, we partied !! " that ticked me off. why would i want my husband having fun & partying with another woman??  these are my situations, you can set whater boundries you want-the whole point is you need to make your ideas known, otherwise he will do it over and over- once boundries are set, and he does them anyway, then what do you call that??? disrespect. he needs to understand that with no way for you to contact him, now with the baby, no way. something terrible could have happend.  and im not saying just guys, it could be women too. whatever rules you 2 set, has to go for you too. if he doesn't respond to any talk you try to have, then you need to re-evaluate what other situations he has ignored you in and start from there. it could be more than just this time.

Answer 5

let him sleep when he is a wake and refreshed sit him down and have a talk with him...ask him why he didn't call,why he didn't come home and why he didn't answer his phone....and tell him how you feel...but make sure you are calm and he is too,because yelling and screaming will not get the message across it will only make it worse....if all else fails just do the same to him one night....maybe he'll learn

Answer 6

Wow I can't even imagine!!!!!!! I'd be sooooo mad! If I were you, I'd leave him with the baby tonight and YOU go out all night at get home at 5am and don't answer your phone. Let him see how fun it is not knowing where you are.

Answer 7

He was most likely up to something if he wouldn't answer your calls.  That doesn't mean actual cheating (as in sleeping with someone), but perhaps flirting, going to strip clubs, etc.  I'd go throw some cold water on him, tell him to get up, and that he's going to spend the day watching Junior while you go out.  After all, it's YOUR turn to unwind after taking care of the baby during Dad's wild night out and then being up at 5 AM frantically calling emergency rooms.  If this isn't the first time he's done something like this, it's time to insist on marriage counseling.  Tell him either he agrees to go and to make an effort to be a better husband and father, or he's out the door for good.  Good luck.

Answer 8

I would kick him out...there is no way I would put up with that c**p...its one thing to go out once in a while with friends to have drinks and hang out but to come home at 5am...that is just a death sentence! lol

Answer 9

Ouch - that's got to hurt.

Clearly, the two of you are going to have to talk about this.  It's hard to believe that he won't understand how little respect that shows for you as his partner & friend.  

Try to keep this a discussion & not an accusation, when you do get around to talking about it.  An accusation needs to be defended - it will back him into a corner where he'll just feel the need to protect his sense of self.  A discussion will involve him, ask for his understanding, include your trying to understand his decision.  

You've got to both try to stay in a place where you trust that they other person did not/does not intend to be hurtful, but just made a human mistake.  The best way for you to get this from him, in this case, will be if, once he puts himself in your shoes, he immediately feels awful about what he did.  

Is it possible that cellphone was forgotten in the car, had a dead battery, had ringer turned off, etc?

Answer 10

Explain to him how you feel and ask him why he did not answer his phone. If he seems truly sorry, forgive him and move on. If not, give him a dose of his own medicine (this is the petty immature approach designed only to p**s him off and NOT solve the problem) leave the kids with him while you "run errands" and don't return home until tomorrow afternoon. Of course, don't answer you cell when he calls, hit the "ignore" button.

Answer 11

He probably is cheating otherwise why would he not answer your calls.

If he shows you no respect then i wouldnt worry about him,do better for yourself.

Answer 12

Well how do you know 100% he wasnt cheating?? If he wasnt...why the heck would he have to stay out until 5am this morning? BOY, if my husband would have pulled a move like that, he would have been sleeping outside!! There's no reason for a married man to be running the streets all hours of the night....and then to not answer his phone??? Sounds like your husband has NO respect for you, or his family. Looks like you need to put a stop to this.....and fast!!

What would have happened if YOU stayed out all night?? Just like with anything...there has to be rules and boundaries...and if not even rules, but a standard communication of what is right and acceptable, and what is not.

Answer 13

Mostly I'm posting to say I'm sorry that this happened.  It's a scary thing.  I've gotten to know you here and, well when you make friends in  forum, it's our problem too on some level.

People who are immediately assuming he's a cheat without knowing anything further about this, don't know anything about real marriage.  Or they've been scorned, and are still hurting.  It's a hard thing to recover from.  Maybe he did, what do we know.  But you'd know.  If he did you'd have gotten red flags by now.  It's a good thing that you know he wasn't cheating, on the other hand you're stuck with the humbling reality of what it really was:  A sheer dumb azzenine thing.

Mostly, they're dense (not to be confused with stupid).  Sorry fellas.  This post isn't meant to beat you.  Anyway, it's not obvious to them all the what-ifs that are out there.  The don't have those projections the way we do.  They have a lot of "oh yeah" moments when we paint them a big red sign.  Must be that extra chromosome.  

Chances are he was doing something you wouldn't approve of.  Drinking, gambling, a strip club.  Or put himself in a dumb drunk situation where he couldn't drive but couldn't call you without being on the wrong end of your foot later.  Or maybe he fell asleep after playing cards with friends, or watching a movie with his brother.  And knew he was only going to wake you up and alert you to how late he was.  So by then he figured he was better off leaving (not-so-)well enough alone.

As for how to enforce the message that this will never happen again, you know best how to reach your husband when you're serious.

Answer 14

I would just explain to him you feel hurt that he caused so much trouble. Explain to him if he does anything like that, you will go into drastic measures and there will be consequences.

So just stay calm and live your life well!

Answer 15

How do you know he wasn't cheating? It's very strange that he wouldn't answer his cell phone. That was very inconsiderate and suspicious move on his part. I would watch him very carefully. It sounds like he had a one night stand to me. All you can do is tell him how you felt about not knowing where he was and if he was okay. There is no guarantee that it will make any difference to him.

Answer 16

Yep thats rite, i'd ruin my marrige as well if my partner stayed out late one night...