Husband waits 3 months after you have an ectopic pregnancy & tells u he doesn't want more kids. What do u do?

Question

We are blessed with 2 healthy children but I have always wanted a 3rd child. My husband agreed we could try again and I got pregnant 2 months later. Unfortunately 2 months into the pregnancy I was diagnosed as having a ectopic pregnancy and of course as a result lost the baby. After the loss my husband told me it was up to me whether I wanted to go back and try again. I decided we would which he said he supported. 3 months later, and 2 days away from my period due date he announces he has changed his mind and no longer wants another baby. I am so upset. I wish he could have been honest from the start instead of putting me through all of this. Surely after what I went through with the ectopic pregnancy I deserved honesty from him. I now know (even though he refuses to admit it to me) that he didn't want the baby we lost either as when I announced my pregnancy to him he refused to talk about it at all and the day I had been in hospital and lost the baby that night when I went to bed he didn't even touch, hug, hold or even talk to me.

Does this man even love me?

Please be kind as I need help not criticism at the moment.

Do I just forget it and not try anymore and move on because that's what he wants?

Please help me as our marriage has never had a crisis before.

Answer 1

Well firstly I am sorry about your loss.

As for your hubby, I would sit him downa nd have a good lengthy discussion about how the both of you are feeling and explain to him just how much having a 3rd child means to you, and find out why he doesn't want another, is it because of finances etc? or could he be scared of another loss. you really need to talk about this and find a place you can both be happy with, You won't be able to move on if this is what your heart truly wants, I know I was in the same boat (minus the etopic though) and my hubby did NOT want another child (we have 2 girls together but he also has 2 older girls to his ex wife that we have full custody of), so I could understand his reasons, but my heart kept saying one more, just one more and after a year of feeling utterly devastated at not having another child (silently) I finally spoke to him and after a convo at a friends place we finally agree to TTC one last time for #3 together. You need to sort this out with hubby if not I can't imagine how things will go as you are giving up the one thing your heart really wants and that will play on your mind - it did mine..

All the best to you

((Hugs))

Wow Nureen Z, aren't you class act B*tch, what makes you say she's lying. her past question backs this one up, so get a clue, and then you should go back to h**l.

Answer 2

it a hard call there are many possible reasons

1)he doesn't want to lose another baby

2)he is wanting more time with you and with a 3rd child he will just lose more time frm you

3) he is just plain cheating on you??

These are all possible reasons...you just need to sit down and talk when he won't have an excuse not to...i'm really sorry, that's all i can give right now. I really hope you can work this out. PRAY! it helps.

God bless.

Answer 3

Have you really spoken to him maybe its not that he dose not want another child but is  afraid of losing another is hard for you to go through that and also for him. Sit down an really talk about his and your feeling regarding the lose of the previous child.  

Answer 4

Sorry about the loss of your baby.

Maybe he felt pushed into having a 3rd child when he didn't want one.  He probably didn't tell you he didn't want to try again right when you lost the baby.  He knew you were hurt and upset and didn't want to hurt you anymore.  He was grieving the loss of his baby too.  How do you know he didn't want the baby?  Even if he didn't at first, he still lost a child and is grieving.  He may need to grieve on his own.  You two need to work through the loss of your baby together and support each other.  You two need to talk about whether or not to have a 3rd child.  Maybe he doesn't feel that a 3rd child could be supported financially?  You two need to discuss all the pros and cons together and make a decision together.  Good luck.

Answer 5

Have you considered that your husband was heartbroken over the loss of the child and had no idea to cope?  That the mere thought of potentially losing another baby is more than his heart can take?  It sounds to me like this is the case here.  You can't judge his reactions when you lost the baby on whether he actually wanted it or not, it could be that he was hurting so deeply that he had no idea how to cope.  Probably figured if he talked to you about it you might feel like he  blamed you, which he didn't...but he didn't want to burden you when you were going through so much.

I had a miscarriage last year, and it took the pair of us a long time to be able to consider another child.  We have decided not to go ahead with another pregnancy but work toward owning our own home to foster children instead.  This is something that makes both of us glad in heart, and means we will have a bigger family.  

I think you need to sit down and talk with your husband about losing the baby with an open mind.  Be open to his pain, and what he is going through, and then you will find it easier to decide what to do about having another baby.

Answer 6

What about him and his needs, what about what he deserves, he isn't ready and you'll need to respect that. He needs time to process this. Right now he isn't rational or in the right frame of mind. The ectopic pregnancy was a huge blow to him and you. He is scared of losing another child. I hope you can understand that.

Keep a journal; sometimes it is helpful to put down in words what you are feeling and thinking. Talk about your child, if you want to. Although it may be painful, it can help you heal. Take time to do a familiar activity with your family. This helps to provide stability when your world is feeling chaotic. Join a support group; parents often respond that becoming involved in bereavement groups helped them through their loss and with their relationship. Seek therapy when you, or others close to you, feel that your grief is becoming too difficult to bear, or is too prolonged (Bereavement and Loss). Support groups for bereaved parents offer a place to talk about your child, your loss, fears, anger, anxieties and other feelings. Marriage and family therapists are specially trained to understand the profound impact of this loss on an individual and a family and can assist through a time of bereavement.

Answer 7

Perhaps he agreed to try for a third because he knew it was important to you, even though he didn't have strong feeling in that direction, and now perhaps he was frightened by the ectopic, and it's risks to you, and also by how devastated you surely were by the loss, and he doesn't want to risk going through that again.  So, if you think about it that way, he may be saying this because of how much he loves you, and doesn't want to see you sick or hurting.  As for his non-sympathetic actions at the time of the ectopic, maybe he didn't know how to act, so he just did nothing (classic male mistake).  Which is not an excuse.  I know how upset you must be, and I am not trying to defend him, but he may also be going through some things.  If you have two kids, and your marriage has never had a crisis before, well, he must love you, and you must be a pretty strong couple.  Maybe give him some time.  Maybe you could get a sitter, and go away together.  Good luck; I hope you work it out soon!

Answer 8

maybe hes just worried that it will happen again and he duznt want u or himself 2 go through anymore pain. talk about it with him ask him y he changed his mind and wen he tells you believe him

Answer 9

I think he loves you. In my opinion I think he just didn't and/or doesn't know how to handle this very sensitive situation. In my opinion, I would simply try to be as gentle as possible when approaching the subject. I know sometimes men can't be made to talk about things when they don't feel comfortable about them. Please be patient with your man as he is probably feeling very bad about this too. Have faith that he loves you but needs some space right now. I understand as a woman you need to talk this out and important for you to heal right now. You may have to seek other outlets for talking and healing, girlfriends, family, etc, until he's ready. But for now, patience and taking good care of yourself is so very important.  If you can find the strength to give him the space he needs, and take care of yourself- allow him to come to you when he is ready to sit down and discuss his feelings.  You can also tell him in a gentle, tactful way that you don't understand his actions, that you are upset and hurt but you need time to heal, and are going to give him space and when he can talk to you, you will be there to discuss.

Answer 10

Maybe he was just confused about the 3rd child.  I'm not really sure but it seemed like he counted on you to make the right choice which later on he thought wasn't a good choice for him.

If your husband doesn't want a 3rd child then its up to you to choose whether or not you want to respect his decision or not.