Husband wants to send his step dad (in prison) $100 for b-day, and I don't approve. What should I do?

Question

My husband gave me the run around on why his step dad is in prison. He's been there for 8 years already and his sentence is for 9 yrs. I am thinking it's pretty serious if he got that long. He claims it was just for a fight but he's not guilty. He either did it or he didn't, there's no fine lines here!

Anyways, his step dad wrote him a letter saying sorry he didn't write in so long and said he had to buy a pair of boots and saved up for it for a year. He works in prison and makes a few cents per hour and he has $100 saved up for when he gets out. My husband and his business partner (co-owner) decided they want to send $100 out of their business money to him for his birthday this month. I dont' see why a prisoner needs all this money. He had plenty of time to save in the 8 years thus far. He is divorced and has no one to come to when he gets out (Hopefully not on our doorstep!). This money is supposed to go to his transportation to another state when he is released. I don't think he'll even receive the money (I think they're sending a Money Order) or if he'll save it.

I just don't think a prisoner who isn't flesh and blood should be sent $100. It's taking away from my husband's business. My husband owes our personal finances money to begin with. He's always tapping into our funds to cover the cost of things.

Answer 1

He is still family.  Frankly I think you are being selfish.  Your husband is all this man has other than $100 which probably took him months to earn.  Regardless of what he has done, he is going to be out soon and needs to be able to stand on his own so he can make better choices and a better future for himself.  Though it is quite a bit, it's not like it is $10,000 or $1,000.  I am sorry people are not taking your side like you probably hoped for, but that should be a sign as to what to do and who is in the right and wrong here.

I think you are just making excuses.  "We have a 1 year old to feed" "it's taking away from his business"...these are just excuses.  Think about someone other than yourself for a bit.

EDIT-  Give it up.  You are wrong, people disagree with you.

Answer 2

$100 is not much, but your relationship issues are much bigger

Answer 3

you really shouldnt tell him what to do and what not to do even if you are maried its a generous gesture and it kind hearted of him to do that so let him do what he pleases plus what can a man in prison buy other than something that will help him maybe food or a frakin book  and if he saves it h**l have money for a meal when he gets out or even a phone call and a bus ride geez women have a heart and if you man is the only person that talks to him shouldnt he know his convictions or even his moher?  

Answer 4

All u can do is tell ur husband how u feel. Like u said ur married and have joint everything. At least he informed u what he would like to do. It seems ur more bothered by the fact that this man is a felon and not blood then ur about the personal finances. If ur husband is the only one that talks to him then it is apparent he has some type of relationship rather he considers him his step dad or not. The money would go on his "books" per say and what ever he does not use in commissary will be returned to him when he gets out. It seems u have a lot of hate in ur heart towards this man or people in prison. There are a lot of fine lines when it comes to people being found guilty for things this u should know. What would u do if the table was turned? Would u turn ur back or lend a hand to a person in need? Regardless what ur personal opinion might be. There is no harm in helping and if u see that the person is taking advantage of the situation then put a stop to it. If he hasn't been asking for money over and over again in the past 8 years what makes u think that he would start now?  

Answer 5

his dad, his choice...let him do as he pleases... :D

Answer 6

I worked in a prison for many years, and I can tell you, the inmates do make more than a few cents an hour. They spend thier money at the canteen to buy extra snacks, shampoos, etc, and the prices are pretty cheap, compared to what you would spend in a regular store, although the selection is limited. Most inmates (and the jail I worked at had 1600 male prisoners) had an average of $400-600 in their canteen account. The money comes in from family members, not from the money that they earn. The money they earn goes into a fund, which they are given a check upon thier time of release, along with any other funds in thier canteen account. That may be set up a bit different where he is, I don't know.

Your husbands sorta-step dad is getting out in a year, and he is the only contact he has with the outside world, and owns a business. To me, that is a red flag. Is he looking to reconnect so when he gets out he has someone to hang out with, give him a job, and help him out finacailly until he gets on his feet? Make it clear, extreamly clear, to your husband, that if you dont want him around when he gets out (I kind of got the feeling that you dont, but, I might be wrong). People change in jail, some for the better, most for the worst. The longer they are in there, the more exposed to other criminal they get and they learn how to sceme and scam. I wouldn't trust this guy. I don't say that just because of my experience, but because of the time he's been in there, he hasn't contacted your husband in years, and the only reason he is now is because he wants money.

Now, I know you don't want to hear it, but, it's upto your husband if he gives him the money or not. Joint finances or not. However, your his wife, and you have ways to "pursude" him otherwise. I would discourage it, even if you two had the money to give. I think if you give it to him once, then he will keep coming back for more. Set it straight, right now, that you two just don't have the money to give.

Answer 7

he's taking the money out of his business account and legally unless the business is not incorporated, an LLC, or your name is on the business then the business accounts are NOT joint finances (that's the purpose of incorporating in some way so your personal finances aren't lost if the business tanks).

Just because this man is no longer his step-father, doesn't mean that he has to stop having a relationship with him--this man may have played an important part in his life and he still feels loyal to him (not knowing the man, I don't know if that loyalty is misplaced)

I've worked with several men who were guards in the prison system.  They say the inmates have to pay for everything they get extra (cigarettes, magazines, candy, snacks, etc.) and they have special accounts at the prison so the guys never actually touch the money, it is just withdrawn from their account when they get things.  Any money left in their account when they are released is paid to them.  this will be money they've earned as part of work release programs or for doing jobs around the prison or money family and friends have sent in.

If you're husband is sending the money directly to his former step-dad instead of to an account--then something fishy on the former step-dad's end is going on.

you may not get any where in this argument with your husband.  I'd say if the finances can take it let the occasional money slip out to the man and don't argue about it so you can then have both legs to stand on when you tell him the former step-dad is not staying in your home.  

It's all about which hill do you want to die on?  Do you want to exhaust yourself on the little battles or do you want to have all your energy saved for the big major blow out?  Think ahead on this one and decide which is the most important to you.

Answer 8

I feel your pain.  We all hate it when our spouses use money in ways that we think are wastes and would be better spent elsewhere.  Furthermore, I think the fear at which you hint is potentially legitimate, that this man might show up on your doorstep, ask to be taken in, and be let in by your husband.  What a nightmare that would be!  And sending him money is almost like sending him an invitation to do just that.  Plus, your story contains the very worrisome detail that your husband is not being completely honest with you about why his step-father is in prison -- very suspicious!

I think you should make an arrangement with your husband.  Tell him that, if he can agree not to let his step-father live with you when he gets out, and if he promises not to give him any more of your household money, he has your blessing to send the $100.  Write up this agreement, have him sign it, and then hug him and tell him to go ahead and send the money.  If you could get a promise like that for only $100, you should take it.

Answer 9

haha maybe you should just let you husband do what he wants to do. Even though it isnt his flesh and blood, its still one of his relatives, and naturally your husband will feel that his step dad did nothing to go into jail. And also, if the man is very violent, its better to give him the money, or else...he's not going to be very pleased when he comes out of jail.

Dont ruin you and your husbands relationship for a small problem like this.

But if you really really really disapprove, I suggest you tell your husband that you are afraid of the man and you dont want your husband being so nice to him. Just randomly make up some nonsense, otherwise, just go as your husband says

Answer 10

your husband's stepdad is already in prison for 8 years. just cut him some slack. maybe your husband feels like he needs to help his step dad? afterall he is his only kin.  

Answer 11

tell him to send the man boot, don't send him money, the dude is probably using it to buy smokes or smuggle weed in prison, lol!

that's the freakin' truth...

this man is probably getting 100 bucks from every woman friend he has outside the prison walls, too, lol!

I am certain of that, lol!

forsaking all others, that means, don't give his step dad money...  especially in prison!!!

tell your husband don't be so dang niave...  this man probably has loads saved up...loads...!  from all his lady friends, lol!

Answer 12

you can voice your opinion but its his step dad and what is $100 bucks really? you never know he might be reformed and just wants to be able to get on his feet when he gets out. Let your husband send the $100. What could it hurt.  You say that hes not flesh and blood but who are you to judge someone. Only are maker has that privilege.

Answer 13

Let him do as he pleases on the money thing - as long as its not creating a finical hardship - maybe u can earn brownie points too lol - but look up why hes in prison - depending on ur state - there are ways to find out.  this is the NY link:

http://nysdocslookup.docs.state.ny.us/ki...

Answer 14

I would discuss it with him and tell him I disapprove and why. Maybe he might consider sending less money if he has to send something I get where you are coming from and I agree with you. Sometimes you have to pick your battles and I would be weighing if $100 is worth the battle.

Like I said I would state my case and let him make up his mind it has to be his decision you cannot force him to do or not do anything. Remember this nobody is listening when there is screaming and fighting involved. Be calm state your case and let it go. If he chooses to send the money against your wishes so be it at least you have stated how you felt about it. But if this step father shows up on your door step that is another matter I would be telling him it would be me or him take his pick.Good luck gurl.  

Answer 15

I'm pretty sure $100..isn't going to put you guys out of business...put you guys out on the streets to live in a box...and starve your 1 year old baby. I think you're being a little inconsiderate...selfish...and throwing things way out of proportion and over-reacting. What if he was your dad or step-dad...wouldn't you have at least a heart to want to help him out a little too..? I mean it's the guys birthday for christ's sake give him a break!.....It's not like he murdered someone...he got into a fight...I know a lot of people who's gone to jail for that long just for a stupid bar fight. You need to support your husband...not be a nagging inconsiderate wife. In the future if things get more serious...like his step dad calling for money or coming to your house...then you can say something ...but right now..you need to relax.

Answer 16

Okay...well, don't be surprised when he refused to give YOUR parents $100 worth of nice things for their birthday!!

Answer 17

$100 isn't going to make or break his business.  I understand about the bills and the baby - but those things never go away.  You guys could probably manage without it.  

Try to be a little less selfish.  This seems to be important to your husband, important enough to not want to discuss his step-dad's imprisonment with you.  Had you been a slight bit more supportive, he might have been willing to be a little more open about it.  

Let him do it.  Support your husband.  Trust him to know when to say when, and tell him that.

Answer 18

Trust me, there are a lot of things to spend a $100 on in prison. It will do him more good than you. Stop being so selfish, this is family in need (bloodlines are not the only thing that constitutes family). If its not going to break you, then what's the problem.

Answer 19

Listen, you need to learn how to pick your battles. This is not that big of a deal and if your husband wants to do this for his step dad, you really have no saying in it.  Leave the man alone and focus on more important things.

Answer 20

9 years is about right for an assault case, and there are a lot of "fine lines" in our criminal system. If you cant get a decent attorney, generally the best you can do is take a plea bargain. Doesnt matter if you are guilty, or if you believe your actions are justified.

As to sending the money, he may only be a step-dad, but he is family. He may have no one else to ask.

Answer 21

I think to be sure its going to his "fresh start" the money should be sent in the form of a bus ticket or gift card or something that will help him and not be sent until his release date is close. I think people deserve a second chance but not at from people that cant afford it BUT if you can help in ways that don't disrupt your life in a bad way then yes he deserves the help. This man is an adult and will be fine if forced to care for himself. You and your daughter should be first at all times. The legalities of if hes your husbands step dad or not don't really matter...if your husband feels hes his Dad then he is and that's all that matters but he shouldn't feel obligated unless its an emotional bond type thing. Good luck I hope this doesn't cause you problems. Just don't make it a bad thing between you and your husband, if he insists then back off and deal with it but explain that this cant be a more than one time thing...you just don't have the money!

Answer 22

Thats not much surelly so let him be given the money as far as he does not come to your house

Answer 23

You are being selfish let your husband give $100 dollars to the man in jail.  I can't believe you don't allow your husband to take simple decisions, as if he is not the man of the house.

One hundred dollars is nothing!

Answer 24

You are absolutely right that you should have a say in what money is spend, but you should approach your husband as a partner in this discussion, not an opponent, and you should consider his stepfather as family because your husband certainly does.

Have you considered a compromise?  Send him $50 instead. This would reduce the effect on your financial troubles, and $50 would be a goldmine to someone who had to work 8 years to save $100 himself. This is a win-win solution that should make everyone happy.

Happy-2 is on the right track about making an agreement, because you certainly don't need to take in an ex-con boarder.  Although I don't think it would be necessary to sign a contract. Instead, make your proposal in an email and keep his response in case he "forgets" later.

Remember, you and your husband should work together as allies against this problem.  Don't make your husband out to be part of the problem.

Good luck.  I hope this helps.

Answer 25

Are you kidding me???  It is only $100....by the way you are talking...you would think you are talking about $1000!!  It is his step dad...and if he wants to send him a mere $100 to get a fresh start...then he should be allowed to without feeling guilty....

Giving everyone a thumbs down who doesn't agree with your thinking....How nice and mature of you!!  Probably indicitive of your maturity on being a wife and mother....

Answer 26

His step dad is obviously an important part of his life.  There are much worse things to send some one who is a big part of your life then 100 dollars.

Answer 27

Your right, you are both married and it is joint finances.  So by that token, you both should talk this issue out and you are deadset against it he shouldn't do it (I wouldn't if my wife was that dead set again it).

However, I would also feel some resentment towards my wife in such a case (and I imagine your husband will as well).  Are you certain a one time $100 is worth it?  Do you really want his resentment coming back at you with counter demands that he doesn't feel you should spend $$$ on item "x" or a gift for one of your friends / families birthday, wedding, birth of a new child etc?

Regardless of your opinion about the guy, this is someone that your husband knows and in some ways cares for.  Maybe the guy will use it for a no good purpose but you know what, sometimes being a cynic and ****** is over-rated.  Maybe if you are so perfect you can get away with judging others and their lives but me personally, I see no problems with your husbands "charity" and desire to help his step-father (and you don't know the full nature of their past relationship).

Answer 28

Here's my best suggestion to you - find a way to compromise.  I strongly disagree with your "not flesh and blood" statement - I'm a stepmother, and I don't necessarily know if this is the case with your husband, but I am raising my step son.  He lives in my house, and I actually work from home so he spends all day with me, not in day care.  I would resent the fact if anyone tried to tell me I wasn't his "flesh and blood."  I'm not in denial, I know that I'm not his mother, but I am a parent to him.

I can sympathize with your husband wanting to send his step father money, but I feel that $100 may be a little excessive based on your financial situation.  I strongly disagree with anyone who says it's his business not yours.  I own my own business that's just in my name, but I don't consider funds for that business as just mine - they are both of ours.  I wouldn't spend anything in my business account without speaking to him about it first any more than I'd spend anything in all our joint accounts without speaking to him first.

Why not try sitting down adn talking to your husband and explaining to him how you feel.  Say that you don't want to send anyone $100 right now due to your financial situation - especially not someone who is in prison.  Tell him that you understand wanting to send him money is a priority to your husband, but that you feel that amount is a bit excessive.  Ask him if you could compromise, and only send him $50 for right now?  I'm sure his step father would appreciate the notion more than the actual amount of money anyway - and this way you don't feel so much as if you're neglecting your family's needs and duties.

While you're at it, I'd actually sit down and lay out some ground rules for when he gets released from prison.  He's getting out within a year, and the two of you need to come to some sort of agreement as to how he will be handled.  It may be your husband's family, but this affects you just as much as it does him and this needs to be a joint decision.  Lay down the things you'd be unhappy with, and see how he feels.  I'd say you should make a point to say you don't want to contribute to him financially and that you feel he needs to stand up on his own two feet.

Hopefully I've helped a bit - good luck.

Answer 29

I think its a nice gesture and that you are being petty and not so nice.

Answer 30

Even though this is not his natural father maybe he was a father or more of a father to your husband than his real father was but in any case it his money his business and a $100 dollar is not that much of money to be straining your marriage over.   It is not like he taking food out of yor mouth to give to his step dad.  Maybe if your respected his relationship with his step dad a little more even though he is in jail  then it would not bother you as much but like I said why stress over a $100.

One of the thing I tell my daugther who is 11 yr old  is to pick your battle and this girl is battling 90% of the people who responded to her post and don't agree with her.  Her marriage is more important  than these post but you can see she is willing to make a big deal out of $100 dollars and to be truthful about it why put a strain on a relationship because your husband wants to help someone that probably help raise him and it is also his b-day and the kicker here is $100 dollars is really not that much money.

I don't know why this girl just press my buttons,  now she says "we have little money etc etc etc and his step dad can start off just like we did practically homeless"  This girl has low opinion of people who are in prison and no respect of this guy who was not his biological father.  I guess if I had a stepson then I don't need to buy him any bday gifts or anything like that becausew he is not my biological son or if he went to prison I should just cut him out of my life because he made a mistake and he is not blood.  Give Me A Break