Husbands anger issues...what would you do?

Question

I have already tried speaking calmly to him about it numerous times--doesn't help. Also, counseling is out of the question.

If I so much as ask a question, he is in my face. He'll go berserk over the most basic question in front of my boys and/or in front of strangers (never in front of family for friends, he's too busy putting on an act for them). With our sons, he will tell them to do something they've never done before (or been shown how to do) and if they don't do it immediately and perfectly then he is talking down to them like they're idiots.

He has accomplished a lot and is well known around our city. He would never let anyone he knows see this side of him. He just saves it for us. What is the best way to handle this?

Answer 1

My best suggestion to you would be to sit down and talk to him when he's not otherwise angry.  Purchase a copy of "Anger Management For Dummies" - it's actually a very informative, helpful book.  When you sit down with your husband, have a copy of it ready.  Explain to him that you feel his anger is tearing your family apart, and that you need him to read the book and work on his anger management skills.  Tell him you and the children can no longer go through life always fearful of his anger.  

That being said, however, you need to be prepared for him to jump up and say "I'm not reading that book, **** you, we're getting a divorce."  It would be horrible, but lets look at it this way - do you really want to remain married to a man who has such severe anger and won't even consider working on it to better your family?  I would hope not.  I'm sure you and the children mean enough to him for him to start working on things, trust me.

Good luck.

Answer 2

It's your call and you know it!..How messed up are kids heads? How bad is yours?  Run!

Answer 3

Since talking calmly isn't working then it is time to get away from him when he blows. Go for a ride or a walk. When you come back maybe then talk to him after he is cooler. He probably needs medication to help with this issue. Lord knows I do. Ask him if he wants his children to grow up and speak to their spouses and kids they way he is. Will he condone this when it his grand kids involved. Because, this is where they are headed if it does not stop. If he wants his kids to grow up and never see him or speak to him then he is on the right course. Try to get him to look at this in the future and help him see what will happen if it does not stop. Does he speak to his mother and father this way?

Answer 4

Leave and don't come back.  You're just fooling yourself if you think it's going to get better and you know it.

Answer 5

I think you need to set down and think really hard about what is best for yourself and your children . Even though he is well known, it doesn't give him the right to verbally abuse you and the chidren. Are you really truely happy? If so, then I guess you will just have to live with the abuse, because he will never change, but if not, it's time you get your family out of the situation. Whatever you decide,( I wish you the best!

Answer 6

the best way to handle this is to leave.  i'm not normally up for telling people to leave their spouses, however, in this case your husband has proved that he has some sort of self control, as he does not do this in front of family - and "saves it for us", instead.  i'd walk out.  

Answer 7

Seek professional help and urge him to go to anger management or counseling to find out why he's behaving this way. Is he happy living a lie? It sounds like big time stress to me. He needs professional help but if he would do it then you should for yourself and the sake of your children.

edit: I don't understand how people think they know someone when all they see is one side. We are all multi-dimensional, aren't we? People make assumptions about me and I try to correct them as they come up because I get the, you are so sweet, etc. You never get angry. I say, yes, I do. I'm human. We all have our buttons. We all experience stress and discomfort. No one is perfect. We all have much to learn. It's life. But sometimes people then start to look at you differently like you have taken yourself down from the pedestal they tried to put you on. It sounds like he could use professional counseling or a hobby (Yoga, meditation, etc.) to destress. Tell him you are concerned about his health. It's not healthy to be so angry. He is harming his relationship with his kids. Think of the future.

I'm not one to just up and leave. But that's your call. If you love him and believe that he is a good person at heart and you can reach him then try this first. To me the last resort is leaving. But it's your call. Do what you feel is best. Go with your gut.

Answer 8

why is counseling not an option?  assuming that that is the case, you have two choices 1.  continue with things the way that they are 2.  demand better and tell him that you will no longer tolerate him berating you and especially your children.  this type of treatment can damange these kids' self esteem for years to come.  it's time to demand better as nothing is going to change the way that they are.  it does't matter what the world thinks of him...it matters what your experience is.  it doesn't sound like you are experiencing happiness here.  that being the case, my play would be to insist on counseling or you are out the door with the kids.  tell him, it's time to decide.  then, you will see his true colors.

Answer 9

i think he is a perfectionist.trying to talk to him will not work mostly,and his temper changes are so rapid,so nothing can be done.but,prayer changes things,so try to be calm,even when he gets beserk,just pray in your heart for situations to change,these arent going to happen overnight,but a heart that hopes will find the answer

Answer 10

You have just described my ex.  He is all just show to everyone else, and the sad part about it, everyone else who doesn't know the real guy that me and my kids did, thought he was the best guy in the world.  He would turn things around so that he wasn't to blame.  To be honest, your husband probably will not change.  You have to think about your kids first as the damage is irreversible in most cases.  It's so hard to leave, but the only thing that will change about him, is his wives.  Good luck.

Answer 11

So, you are afraid to leave your husband over his "status" in the community.

I know so many women who are in your shoes, and I think it is so sad, they are afraid to get a backbone and be on their own, they can't even think about when they leave their husband's it is not their "status" they will be loosing, the husband will loose it all, because all of his friends will be asking him, "how could you do this to your poor wife"????

Please, if you are upset, leave him, you will find your own happiness, and do not even care what other people think of you or your actions, until they walk a mile in your shoes, they will understand.

You are in control of your own destiny, when will you ever be happy??

You will be happy when you get a backbone, so please, for your sake, get one!!!

He is a jerk, show him that you are tougher than him, and leave him.

No woman, or man or child should be in any kind of abusive relationship.