I'd like to laugh out loud to brighten my office up! 10 points for the funniest post....?

Question

10, big fat, well deserved points to the funniest comedian out there!!!

Many thanks in advance.

Answer 1

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very s**y nightie. "tie me up" she purred "and you can do anything you want." so he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her into the drive way and ran in the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "honey, pack your bage. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "oh my God! what should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" Doesn't matter, she replied. "just be gone by the time I get back!"

A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license, First of course, he had to ake an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card wit the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'. Cany you read this? the optician asked. "read it? the polish guy replied, "I know the guy"

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' "thank God" said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay"

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "careful" he said "CAREFUL! Put in some butter! oh mu gosh! You're cooking too  many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEMnow! We need more butter. Oh my GOSH, Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Carful. CAREFUL! I said to be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! TurN them! Hurry UP! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. USE THE SALT! USE THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband calmly replied, " I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Fifty-one yrs ago, Herman James,  A North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair....On the second day, the Army issued Hermand a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for herman for 51 years.

Answer 2

This young man comes home from Ranger school, and tells his dad about what they had him do.

"they tried to make me jump out of an air plane !! but i looked out the door and knew there was no way i would do it!!"

"then my drill sargeant came up to me and said if i didn't jump, he was gonna stick his baton up my hind end!!!"

his dad asked him, "did you jump?"

"A little at first!!"

Answer 3

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says,

"Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies,

"Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere."

He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly,

"Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks,

"See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

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Did you hear about the atheist dyslexic?

He stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.

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There’s an old couple in church, the woman leans over to her husband

'I've just dropped a silent one, what should I do?’

He replies,

'If I were you, I would buy a new battery for your hearing aid'

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Man1: how many women do you believe must a man marry?

Man2: 16

Man1: Why?

Man2: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse

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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

'I have good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.'

'That's wonderful,' the artist exclaimed. 'What's the bad news?'

'The guy was your doctor.'

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Tom rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. He was a dwarf.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at Tom, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, Tom looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

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There are three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

"Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?"



"Well, then she said, “GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN”

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A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

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I spoke to a blonde today...

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

*she was really excited, she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years

Answer 4

i love blonde jokes!

1) A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

2) One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

3) Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

4) Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

5) Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?

6) Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

7) Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

8) Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

9) Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

10) A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

11) A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

oh god, your not blonde are you?

LOL

Answer 5

blonde brunette and redhead are on the run from the cops, they run into a barn and each hides in a potato sack

when the cops enter the barn to search for them, the brunette in the sacks goes miow miow, the cop says "oh its just a cat" the redhead goes woof woof the cop says "oh its just a dog" the blonde says in a sweet voice po-tat-o... lol

Answer 6

rofl i dont know any but give monkey best answer  

Answer 7

The phantom bee/wasp,jump up

& scream 'iv been stung,kill the

F****r,where is it ,quick help me !

over there,no there !.

Answer 8

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.

"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

Answer 9

More money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than on Alzheimer's research!

By 2040 the elderly will have perky t*ts and stiff c**ks and no f**king idea why