I'd really appreciate your help. Can you give feedback?

Question

This is a short story. It's a story of many twists and turns. Genre would be humor/Drama maybe romance depending on opnion.

So please read all of it and give feedback.

A Wolf Amongst The Sheep

By MrLoneWolf (Me)

I’m a wolf. The blood of a predator, coursing through my veins. While looking to sate my hunger, I find myself happening across a flock of sheep. Scanning the flock for my next potential victim, I spot something, so out of place. A black sheep amongst the white sheep. You’re so irresistible, my vision tunnels. It’s like the sight of you is calling out to me.

“Please, I want you to take me away and feed upon my body”.

I’ve made up my mind. I must have you. The predator in me rages as I snap into action, chasing your image. Laughing maniacally as the other sheep scream and shriek in terror of me charging their once peaceful flock. Disperse for every sheep for themselves. Though, something is off. You stand your ground. Unaware and oblivious to the chaos I’ve caused.

Shouldn’t your instincts be telling you to escape?

I force that thought aside and think another.

Seeing the look on your face, quivering below me, will make up for the thrill of the chase you deprive me.

I’m so close I can imagine what you must taste like, when you slowly turn towards my direction. Giving me hope that you might see me and run. So, I can have my chase. But, with each passing degree you remind me of something. Each detail adding upon the other, as you turn. When your transformation ends. All the puzzle pieces are in place. Giving the whole picture. Stopping me dead in my tracks.

A wolf in a sheep’s disguise.

Taking a look into the eyes before me. I can see a hunger that hasn’t been satisfied for ages. With no other sheep around those eyes are now focused on me, turning me pale. The tables have turned and taking a glance downward I see a wide, sly smile that tells me I’ve been lured into am ingenious trap. Snared by surprise. I try to flee, but in vain, I’m brought to my knees. I shut my eyes waiting for my cannibalistic demise. I’ve been tasted. A tongue dragged across my cheek. Sending my heart skyward, through my chest in fright. Turned to stone as this predator gets a more substantial taste. Taking little nibbles on my ears, downwards, under my chin. Sucking my soul through my neck. I can’t help wonder if I taste good, as to be having my flesh savored.

What am I thinking? I’m about to die!

The torture is unbearable. I was hoping for a quick death. Flinchingly, I wearily open my eyes to face my impending doom. To find a different kind of hunger displayed in the eyes of my predator. I realize what my predator wants and go in to shock. Turning on myself in self-denial.

This can’t be happening. I must be dreaming.

I take another glance and sure enough, my would-be predator is starving from my non-reaction. I see that I’ve been beaten and dominated by the unrelenting kisses, wrought upon my lips. I give in and surrender my body to the victor. There was only one thought running through my mind. While we helped each other sate our burning desire.

I don’t know why the sheep complain so much; it’s not so bad being eaten alive.

Answer 1

I do understand but the ungratefulness and lack of listening to ME and how I go through this is unforgivable. I cannot surrvive.  

Answer 2

nice use of words

Answer 3

weirdo

Answer 4

That was Genius...

I really liked that story, I can relate to it a lil, I guess...

Very Interesting...

You thought you were the wolf, and when it came time to go do what you do, you saw that there was another wolf waiting for you, disguised in sheeps clothing...

Thats very scary...

I think that if you try to chill with the people you think are your friends, somtimes there not, and all they want is there thrill...

Right...?

Answer 5

Hmm, I did not see that ending coming...lol.

It's very nicely written, no grammatical errors to be found, and quite entertaining to read.

Very well done.

Answer 6

WAW! Bravo. This is amazing. You shouldn't post such good literature here. People will steel it. It's amazing. I really enjoined it.I have no bad comments sorry. he he!

Answer 7

huh, strange story type of thinger.  i actually really enjoyed it though, your use of imagery is awesome.  good ending

Answer 8

You should take a course in the use of grammar.  There are too many sentence fragments and phrases which make no sense. (for instance: "as to be having my flesh savored")  You use too many commas and in inappropriate places.  

"Each detail adding upon the other, as you turn. When your transformation ends. All the puzzle pieces are in place. Giving the whole picture. Stopping me dead in my tracks."  All of these are sentence fragments.  That means they do not express a complete thought. If you intend this as a literary device, rethink it.

Answer 9

um