I'm 16 weeks and giving the baby up. Is there a good way to prepare yourself for that when the time comes?

Question

I already have three children and am a single working mother. My youngest is nine, and the baby was not planned. The dad is leaving for London at the end of this month. He does not want anything to do with the baby, and tried to talk me into abortion.This is why I am considering adoption, for all of the rude responses I have received. I want a better life for this baby, it is not out of convenience or selfishness that I am considering this decision. I have a counselor and am trying to be prepared for what is to come. I was just seeking some advice.

Answer 1

I think it is great that you have taken the first step to get a counselor to talk about your options. Thanks to Open Adoption, you can choose to have as much or as little contact as you would like with your child in the future. We are hoping to adopt, and would never be able to have a family without wonderful people like you. I think that a relationship with you and your other children would benefit your child in so many ways. Many families like ours are waiting, and are looking to have a open adoption with the birth family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Here is our website: http://www.lifetimeadoption.com/for_birt...

Answer 2

As an adopted child this is my advice....I would write a letter to the baby and just write about how you came to the decision and how you are feeling.  You may even want to consider an open adoption since you have children already.  Your unborn child my want to know both you and your other children some day.  If you chose a private or close adoption, remember that your child may still seek you out some day.  When the actual time comes, remind yourself as to why you choose adoption, remember that you have made a childless couple's dream come true, and that you acted on what you believed to be the best decision for your child and your family.  I saw that the first response was from a woman who is still bitter about her own adoption, but I am at peace with my biological mother's decision.  Not all adopted children feel anger toward their birth mother.  As a mother of two children, I understand how this must have been a hard decision.  I wish you the best of luck and commend you for making such a difficult decision.

Answer 3

I would recommend keeping a "Dear Unborn Baby" diary to get your feelings out and so that you will have a way to remember that child in the future.  Other than that, magicpointeshoe had some great advice, keep your chin up, and pity the close-minded fools who are criticizing your decision to maintain your baby's life and provide him or her with a loving family!

<3 Kelsey

Answer 4

Just because you are giving the baby up doesnt mean that you need to detach yourself. Talking to the baby about the life he or she will have, and being happy about the pregnancy if possible are great. Although you are the one pregnant, you should feel happy about the wonderful gift you are giving this child, and the adoptive parents that probably cannot have their own children.

Look for a support group in your area and begin attending now. Try to do an open adoption so that you can get to know the family and feel good about your decision.

It takes a woman who truly cares about her baby to do what you are doing. I commend you for your decision, but remember that if your situation changes before the baby is born, it is still your decision.

Answer 5

I am adopted i just found my birthfamily last yr and met my birthmother. I can honestly say i hate the women. I just had my own baby 3 weeks ago and could never imagine giving him up to anyone. Its a mother instinct to care and love your baby. Giving it away is just an easy way out. When theres a will theres a way. If your concerned about the money issue or living situation then go to a shelter. I know many women they helped get there life back straight and they got to keep there baby

courtney s-your a moron you had the nerve to ask a question if you give your baby up for adoption can you get it back if you changed your mind. What a dumb ****. Lets give a baby to a family that can take care of it and love it, then lets change our minds and take it back

Answer 6

People who are responding to you negatively have no idea what you are going through.  I am an adoptive mother and I have nothing but the deepest respect for my son's birth mother.  I recognize that she loved her unborn child enough to choose a life for him that she would be unable to provide.  It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, but what an amazing gift to be providing for someone you've never even met.  It's about as far from selfish as you can get.  

To answer your question, if you aren't already working with an agency, I would recommend that you think about that.  They will continue to provide counseling and help you to think about all the things you may not have known to think about yourself.  I don't think that anything can prepare you for the emotions you'll have when the time actually comes, but the agency can help with everything leading up to that and be there to support you through each step along the way.  You can choose to have however much contact you want with the adoptive family (the agency will help match you with a family that wants the same level of contact that you do).  Good luck and stay strong regardless of what anybody says!

Answer 7

Please please please ignore the rude responses that you're getting from some people on here about how selfish you are.  Clearly, they don't understand how selfLESS you're trying to be.  I am pregnant as well, 30 weeks along.  I was considering adoption for my child however I just realized I don't have it in me.  It takes a person bigger than myself to be able to find that in themself.  I truely commend you for recognizing that you may not be able to provide this child with a satisfactory life.  Best of luck, I have no idea how to prepare, just keep regularly visiting your counselor.  Best of luck

Answer 8

To be honest... I hope you feel bad right now because all that baby would want to do is be with her mom, and you're giving her up for doption. Think b4 you act. That is mean. Its better than having an abortion but still. God said he put all MOTHER NOT FATHERS OR ADOPTION CENTERS OR FOSTER PARENTS to be where he could because he couldnt be everywhere. Take that all in. You shold feel real bad. Take a second to think first. Unless you're engaged and underaged or have 4 children or a struggling life  dont give the baby

Answer 9

why the h**l would you give your baby up ? that's so stupid .. even if you're suffering and shiet the government would give you some money 2 suport the child and yourself . DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR BABY .

Answer 10

I'm not entirely sure there is a good way.  I think if I had to do it all over again, I would honor the process of deciding between adoption and parenting better.  Part of the problems I have had in the years since relinquishment is coming to terms with not being my own advocate.  Not only did I relinquish my child, I relinquished my judgment to other people's advice for fear of either being too needy, or out of fear of making the situation worse.

So with that, I say honor the process.  You cannot decide that you will relinquish your baby for adoption until after birth.  You can make an adoption plan though.  You can look at profiles and possibly pre-match with a potential adoptive family.  Keep in mind that this is just a plan, and the potential adoptive family is just that... potential.  It is so easy to let yourself think of your baby as theirs instead of yours.  It is so easy for potential adoptive parents to think of your baby as theirs and not yours.  Be kind to everyone involved and not let that assumption be made.  This is your baby until the termination of parental rights is signed.  They should not accompany you to doctor's appointments.  They should not be at the birth because of how easy it is lose sight of the huge choice you have to make after the baby is born.  If you still choose adoption, they will have a lifetime to bond with your child.

If you were to choose adoption after your baby is born, realize that every moment of the time you have with your baby will be forever etched in your memory.  Hold your baby.  Take the time to absorb that time in.  While some say the thought of looking or holding will make the separation hurt more, the lack of holding or looking hurts way more in the years to come.

Also, look at all your options.  You need a parenting plan in place.  You cannot make an informed decision without know all of your options.  In fact, the pressure placed on you to relinquish without a parenting plan is that much worse.

Here are some good links to get some serious thought into what is to come:

Safeguarding the rights and well being of birthparents in the adoption process

http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publica...

This is a website written by a birthmother to help give information about open adoption in a non-biased way.

http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/

Discussion boards to help find resources and get more information about your choices.

http://www.singlepregnancy.com/

http://www.girl-mom.com/

http://soulofadoption.com/

Answer 11

Well i am adopted and all i thought about when i was younger was i cant believe i wasnt good enough for my mom and dad so just think about what ur doing and stay in touch with the baby and its parents!!!!

Answer 12

ok well i think you are making a good choice if you are aware that you can not support the baby an your 3 other kids, if you would still like to have some activity in the childs life, you could do an open adoption, which still gives you rights to see the baby or if not then write a letter to the child and give it to the adoptive parents and ask them to gie it to your child when they tell "it"  that they were adopted that way it will know how you are feeling and wont hold any grudges against you.

I hope this helps. My mom just adopted two a boy and a girl and she lets them know even though they are 2 and 3 that their mommy loved them very much, but she just couldnt provide a good home that they needed.

Answer 13

I highly suggest an open or semi-open adoption.  This way you can still have communication with the child.  In an open adoption there is open communication between all parties.  A semi-open adoption is contact through an intermediary, such as your social worker.  For example you could send letters and cards to your social worker who would pass them onto the child.  Open and semi-open adoption keeps the birth mother as an important part of the child's life and relieves the birth mother from feelings of guilt and also gives her a sense of control.  I think that this would be great for your situation.  

Please ignore these stupid people.  Giving up a child is the most loving gesture, the most mature decision that a mother could make.  But if you have the baby and change your mind, don't let anyone pressure you into "fulfilling your agreement" or anything like that.  Have the baby, then follow your heart.

Answer 14

Give the baby to me! I am in need of a little one! I had two miscarriages in the past few years, now I am infertile and that is devastating.

Answer 15

I'm not under the impression there is any way you can prepare for that.

Answer 16

There is a really good book out called "The Third Choice: A Woman's Guide to Placing a Child for Adoption".  The authors are Leslie Foge and Gail Mosconi.  You can get this on Amazon.com or I borrowed my copy from my local library.

As a couple who are 'waiting to adopt', we have done a lot of research and I think we've read every book at the library about adoption.  This is really the only one I have seen that is written for women who are considering an adoption plan.

Best of luck to you in this journey.  I know it can be quite emotional.

Answer 17

I can't have children and will have to adopt.  Ignore those that are putting you down for it!  One of my friends was adopted.  He always knew about it.  He said that he loves his family and loves the fact that he was "PICKED rather than [his family] just settling for what they get!"  Adoption is not cruel!  If you can't afford to care for a child and know you can't provide and keep the child anyways.....that is what is cruel!  I don't know if there is a good way to prepare yourself.  But listening to all these idiots talking down to you prolly won't help.  Most adoption agencies provide counseling and such to help the mother prepare.  You know what is best.....It is instinctive.

Answer 18

Are you planning on having an open or closed adoption?  I think that's the first step you need to take, and then make sure you have a good friend or family member to be your support...someone you can talk to you and someone who will be able to comfort you and give you advice.

Answer 19

Don't let anyone get in the way of what you feel is right. It is so responsible of you to give the baby up if you know in your mind you cannot handle it. I would look into the adoption clinics around your area and get to know the processes before the day comes. I would also prepare yourself and the perspective adoptees that you might change your mind once you meet your baby. You are not very far along right now but once the baby starts to move more (which it possibly might be) and you make more of a connection the greater chance you have on wanting to keep it. If you still decide to give it up for adoption just remember that you will know what is best  for the child more then anyone else. You are it's mother.

Answer 20

Trust and believe that you are doing what is best for the child.  Love the child while he/she is in the womb just as you would when he/she arrives.  God bless you!

Answer 21

Don’t listen to some of the negative comments. I’m sure this was a difficult decision for you to decide upon. That you are truly doing what you feel is best for your child that is admirable. All parents should put their children first before their own wants.  I also imagine that your also thinking of the children you already have.

You have already started consoling so you are clearly focused on this. I’m sure you’ve been told you can always change your mind, birthparents most of the time have a window of opportunity that they can get birth child back even if it’s been placed in its adopted family already, and papers have been signed. You’ve probably been told of adoptions options  Open , semi open,  or closed.

Also know that no one can know how an adopted child will take being adopted some do not handle it well ,but others handle it just fine. Not all adoptees want to find their natural families.

Answer 22

Your love and courage are to be celebrated.  You are what motherhood is really about.  Putting your needs and wants second to the needs of your child.

Try to see if there is a birthmother's support group in your area.  Many large adoption agencies have them.  And there are some online, as well.  Try "Birthmother Support Group" online.

Also, read:  "Dear Birthmother" or any other books by Lois Melina.

I have been an Adoption Counselor for 20 years, and if you want to email me privately, just click on my name, then email.    I will correspond with you if you like.

The best of luck to you.

Answer 23

think before you act! you're in a great country if you can't make it here; you can't make it anywhere.My mother had 2 kids and she raised us by herself in one of the poorest countries in the world, now she just bought me a bmw so like I said think before you do it. I gave away my dog because I got into college and I couldn't sleep for days now imagine a child! it all depends of how you raise your children, I'm sure you'll struggle but at the end it will pay off. ;)