I'm 24 and my relationship is falling apart with my dad - kinda long, but bare with me =)?

Question

With my dad's 2nd wife and girlfriends, I have dealt with quite a bit of drama. My dad is one of those men who can't survive without a woman in his life. My dad and I agreed to get an apartment together and split the bills/cleaning responsibilities, so he wouldn't have to invest in real estate again before he moves out of the country next year. The apartment is just as much his as it is mine. Now, his 29 year old wife (I'm 24) from Vietnam comes to the United States, marries my dad. All she does is sit around and do nothing. Seeing how my dad and I work, I think she should take on the majority of the cleaning responsibilities since she's living for free. So I decided to boycott and stop cleaning the "common" areas. Now my dad is getting on to me for not doing my part. I work 60 hours a week, he works 40 hours a week, and she works 0 hours a week... how fair is that?

She also dresses very risqué, and when I go out and about with them it's embarrassing. She will do things like go grocery shopping with us, and then not help take in the groceries; she just walks inside and sits down. My dad continues to make excuses for her, like "it's a cultural difference." I personally don't see where being rude, trampy, and lazy has anything to do with her culture. I'm never rude to her, I just don't go the extra mile to reach out to her and be close to her, and this infuriates my dad. He told me, and I quote... "You need to reach out to my wife and be her friend" Basically now, my dad has gone from being one of my closest people in my life, to us barely speaking at all.

I have tried to keep these concerns to myself, in hopes of not causing too much of a rift between dad and I, but he can see on my face that I'm pissed off... when I tell him my concerns, and tell him that I think she's rude (with the following examples I mentioned above) - he says things like, "she doesn't mean to be like that, it's not in her to be rude" -- what the F*ck EVER!!!!

I also can’t talk to my dad about my day, work, school, life, or anything for that matter, without him interrupting me to tell me something cute that his wife did or said, or something about Vietnam. It’s like he’s obsessed with her, and I promise I am NOT being the jealous bratty little daughter, it really is going over board. For instance, after knowing her for less than 6 months, he told me that if anything happened to him to make sure she got half of his life insurance money. (I’m sole beneficiary). For me it’s not about the money, but at this point, I had never even met this woman before. CRAZY!!!

Oh and she logged onto my computer at work with out me there, and managed to download a virus, and completely s***w up my hard drive... and I never got an apology from her or my father.

Tell me if I'm over reacting here, or if you have had a similar experience.

Answer 1

OH MY GOSH that is so annoying the more i read the angrier and angrier i got at these people i don't know haha, seriously you are definately not overreacting!!! since your dad isn't listening to you i think you should do something drastic like threaten to move out,etc.   i feel for you!

Answer 2

I have never had an experience like this before, but I am old enough to have experience about life in general. You are not overreacting. I am sympathising with you.

First, become friends with the new wife. It may take some time before full effect of the 'medication' (I'll explain further down) to take effect, so be patient. When you become friends, it is not because you want to complicity that friends share, but it's for her to take her medication.

Let me explain. If you and her are friends, you can then explain to her how your culture works. (people help each other, no free rides, etc.) Take that opportunity to express your concerns and frustations to her. Bring her on your side. I would even suggest as far as talking to her about your frustations with your dad to her.(don't do this at the beginning of the friendship! Learn to trust her in small things first.) The best way to get a misbehaving class to behave is to make friends with the leader. Taking this into consideration, be friends with the leader: the new wife. Your father 'adores' his new wife and is still blinded by love. You can't reach him. Therefore, your only alternative: befriend his new wife. Won't be too bad; you guys are practically the same age!

If after, say, two months of trying to be friends with her it's still doesn't work, I would suggest moving out, cutting the ties.

Good luck. Let me know how it went for you.

:)

Answer 3

Since your father is married now, you should rethink moving into your own place and getting a roommate so that your step-mother can get a job and work for herself. I'm sure he won't be making excuses when they need to pay the bills. If you do so, just make sure that it is done legally or else she'll harass him to sue you for breach of contract.

Every culture has their quirks, but no matter where you come from, you know a sugar daddy when you see when and she hit jackpot. The "American dream" is creating something out of nothing. However, she is using others to make that dream come true. Unfortunately because your father has such a need for companionship that he has blinded himself to her faults because he doesn't want to believe he made the wrong decision.

This could definately make a rift between you and your father so bring this up to him and your plan, whenever you decide what it is.  

Answer 4

You really are not over reacting I would feel exactly the same way - I know this is really probably bad advice but if you are convinced she is a gold digger (serioulsly sounds that way) Id be tempted to set her up in some way or another to show how un genuine she is - it may hurt your dad initally but will save him a whole lotta heartache in the long run - what you do is up to you but guy friend pretending to be young VERY rich interested in her sounds like the right kind of thing. Id never normally suggest such a thing but it really is obvious what this women is all about and it aint genuine love for your dad x

Answer 5

I don't think you are overreacting.  She can be more helpful or just helpful considering she does not do anything and friendly towards you and you all can be friends.  I mean you are onle 4 years apart.  OK If I were you I would either move out unless you are in the agreement with your dad or just lay the law down since you own half the appartment.  Just tell them if she wants to live there she must contribute or she will be evicted.  THis might sound harsh but it may work.  OR a silly idea but divide the appartment in equal halves and tell them to stay on their side and mind their own business till they move to vietnam.  Good Luck and trust me I feel your pain.

Answer 6

Your dad should really start re-thinking his life, from the day you were born, you should have been his #1 priority, if he can place some vietnamese 29 yr. old over you then how important are you to him?

You should definitely think about moving out as well, you are paying half of rent while your dad is paying the other half while this girl doesn't do anything. The thing with marriage is that both sides half to contribute, your not the other side of his marriage, SHE is. If you move out that will force your dad into confronting her about the fact that she isn't pulling her weight, possibly the marriage could fall apart. Besides isn't she a little young for your dad. She could be your older sister. It's a good thing she isn't trying to raise you.

Answer 7

Although the word "obsessed" is probably a bit too much, you do have the idea. This is the woman your Dad sleeps with, and you will never get him to take your side in this. All you can do is set your own boundaries.

Read this next sentence twice:

You are an ADULT (and are sharing the cost), and as such, you are living there as your Dad's ROOMMATE, not his daughter.

This is important for you to remember, because it makes the power dynamic very different. While you should show your father respect as your parent and elder, you have a right to assert your rights as a roommate.

Sit down with your Dad and his wife. Give them a list of the things you are willing to do in the house. Tell them that they are responsible for the rest. This should open a dialog. Try to be flexible and get a complete list of the chores each is responsible for. Then, just stick to that. If your Dad gets on you for not doing something not on the list, just quietly remind him. Put it back in his court, so he'll have to tell her to do it, if he wants it done.

Again, be respectful, but demand your rights as a roommate.