I'm 30 and none of my best friends have stuck around.. I feel depressed/lonely.. is this messed up?

Question

But I'm having problems figuring myself.. or my former friends out. This year - I lost my best college friend of 10 yrs and another 2 good GF's - over what I believe was competition. 2 of these "best" friends tried to pick at me, criticize my life decisions on getting a better job and grad. school and were not supportive when I needed them. I think 2 were jealous. But I thought I was always fun and good to them and tried to get past it.. but then the friendships fell apart.

Then my other close friend of 15 yrs. recently used me when she came out to visit me in L.A.... I took her everywhere, let her stay in my room/my bed, showed her around a good time. But she flaked out and treated/used my friends as well and was on her phone the whole time talking to her friends back home. She told me not to leave her alone, but then she left me when she met a guy at a bar.

I don't know is it that I just have a bad judgment of friends, or these people think I'm boring or something is wrong with me? I might have exaggerated a little... I have a couple of "very close" friends I made through the office in the last few yrs, we're all on the same intelligence level and are on great terms - for the most part.

People always brag on how they have had friends for 10-20 yrs, but I'm lucky if I get friends that last for 5 yrs. Is there something wrong with me? Or is it b/c I'm just changing a lot and I have to adjust to meeting new people or friends? My parents make me feel stupid that I can't hold friendships.. but I'm always trying to be myself, I don't belong in cliques, I like being an individual. I don't judge other people unless they treat me badly.

Sorry this is so long. I would love some insight and how to be smarter in handling and maintaining healthy, supportive friendships. Thank you.

Answer 1

It is not unusual to lose friendships that you had while you were in school or young because people are changing as they grow up and age.  I am 56 years old and only have one friend from school and we aren't really close any more.  I have made friends through work, but when I changed jobs, these friendships fell apart.  My only really close friend now is my sister.  She also has lost many friendships throughout the years, for no reason.  I think sometimes, life gets in the way.  People's likes and dislikes change, they have families and the problems that go along with them.  I really don't know many people who have kept lifetime close friendships with people. Don't let your parents make you feel stupid - how many close longtime friends do they have?  Your situation is completely normal.

Answer 2

Even the Greatest of Friendships fall apart over silly things. Jealousy, competition, life changes, marriage, kids, work, w.e you know. and Well i cant say what's their reasons to not stick around but if you give your friendships all you've got, you are a true friend and they dont return the friendship back then they are not good friends and they don't appreciate your friendship , and its hard to know who's real or not. B.c I've had a friend for 12 years and we live so far we never see eachother and when we talk she is good you know. she's a good friend but i've known her since forever. BUt i've known other friends for LESS like my girl bestfriend i've known since i was 16 and she's good when it comes to simple things but she wont help me out if its something BIG. and then my best friend EVER i've known for 10 mionths and he's man the best person in the world, ike this guy man i cant even explain but he's just the best friend i could ever ask for. Maybe you should have close friends, acquaintances, but no best friends, since they dont have YOU as their best friend you know. If they dont need you in their life, then you dont need them in yours.  

Answer 3

You need to work on yourself and not worry about your friendships. We all attract mirrors to us in friends...the things you usually don't like in a friend are what you don't like in yourself.  Try working on your self esteem and knowing yourself/developing self confidence.   Act like the friend you want to have by being one.  It sounds like also, you are growing up and changing too or that maybe you let people take advantage of you.  By being more confident in yourself, yourself as a friend and have boundaries with people, you will find a whole new world of friends coming your way.

Answer 4

Well - we've all lost friends, of course.  I'm starting fall out of touch with a friend I had for at least 12 years now.  My explanation when situations like this occurs is that everyone comes into our life for a reason - to fulfill some kind of purpose.  Some take longer than others.  So whenever I have a falling out with a friend - I think of everything they have provided me over the days, months, or years, decide they have fulfilled some kind of purpose and let it be.  Move on to make more friends.

But on a less philosophical note - it does sound like you would be more successful with people who are on your intelligence level.  Someone who is career and/or grad. school driven.  You seem to be the type (I could be wrong, though) that would enjoy a friend who can hold an intelligent conversation with - something the friends you described above may have trouble doing.

I'm not really implying that you should drop your other friends like a sack of potatoes, as I'm sure you know it's never wise to completely burn bridges - just put them on the back burner.

Yes, it can be nice to have life-long friends.  But you know - I really don't see the negatives to changing friends as you as a person change and perceive the social world.  It's like having a shirt for several years - it may still fit you - but it's worn down, might not look so great, still has some sentimental value to you, because it's been around for awhile, but at the same time it can be nice to buy a new shirt, wear it around for a decent amount of time, and eventually that shirt will fulfill it's purpose - so time to move one.