I'm a published fantasy writer and just finished a short story - would love some feedback?

Question

It's an easy read - and I'd love to receive some feedback. The material is already copy written so it gives me the ability to get this feedback from the people who love to read fantasy instead of just editors.

Your help would be greatly appreciated and would help me to write the kind of novel all of you would like to read.

There are three stories there but I'm mostly interested in getting feedback on "The Story of the Tylwyth Teg"

Here's the link I set up: www.geocities.com/srbutler75

Thanks!

Sean

Answer 1

Published where?  You have this wonderful opportunity to toot your horn because I asked.  

Answer 2

Great story, good luck with everything!

Answer 3

That story was awesome!  One of the best.  If you put it into a real book i'd buy it.  keep on writing!

Answer 4

Excellent short story, great language... like candy.

Have to say I very much like the selection form the Dark Dreams as well...

Answer 5

You have alot of descriptive prose, which is not a bad thing, but it needs to follow a logical order so it can flow properly. Action, reaction, result.

Here is an example:

After the evening fire had broken down into glowing embers and dancing wisps of flame, and the pipe was filled with the spiced weed of distant lands, with stories of brave warriors, nightmarish beasts and giants of the Old World my father delighted us and kindled daydreams which would last through our lives.

My opinion (for what its worth) on how it should read

After the evening fire had broken down into glowing embers and dancing wisps of flame, and the pipe was filled with the spiced weed of distant lands (setting) my father delighted us with stories of brave warriors, nightmarish beasts and giants of the Old World (action) and kindled daydreams (reaction) which would last through our lives.(result).

Granted thats my opinion but I think it flows better that way.

Answer 6

This is fantastic.

It feels like reading old folk tales or myths, and not just because of the footnotes.  ^^

There are a few typos still hiding in there (like "window pains" in place of "window panes"), but not enough that I feel it needs more than a passing comment and a quick read-over. ^^

I loved the description of the Tylwyth Teg.  

The first sentence of the third paragraph is hard to follow.  I think it's because a phrase starting with "with" directly follows a short list.  It would be more clear if you switched it around so the verb came then, making it more immediately clear that the list had ended.  

I just reread it to try to find anything I thought could be better... and I couldn't find anything else. ^^;  It's just awesome.