I'm afraid of my father, help please?

Question

I'm socially phobic, and I think it all begun with him. During my entire upbringing he told me that I wasn't normal and that nothing I did was ever good enough. He always had a way of hurting me were it hurt the most. But he has been sick his entire life, and has always been a very unhappy person, so I could never talk back to him, I didn't want to make him sad. I was afraid he'd kill himself or something if I let him know just how horrible he was treating me (and my brother and mother as well.)

As I grew older I stopped talking to him and telling him things, because he always took the joy out of everything, and I was scared he would hurt me. No we're like strangers. And I'm afraid of him. I can't look him in the eyes, I hate it when he touches/hugs me (he's never ever hurt me physically though, important to point out), I feel anxious every time I hear his voice, I feel anxious every time I hear his footsteps or anything at all really.

I always expect him to hurt me, even though there was years ago he actually said anything really hurtful to me. I can't shake the fear. What can I do to get over this? I can't talk to him about it, it would hurt him to the core if he found out what type of father he has been to me. I know he never truly meant to be such a b*****d, he is just a deeply unhappy and bitter person. What to do?

Answer 1

My father was kinda like this too, but after he was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1993 , a lot of his anger was gone and he made some changes and his thinking was different. He died 3 months later, asking before he died for my forgiveness.

Answer 2

this might be hard to do but you really need to cut him out of your life you have spent a large amount of your youth on him and he has made you feel worthless so don't waste anymore time on him

Answer 3

You just need to tell yourself that you should not feel this way towards your dad. I mean, keep the distance from him, but don't be afraid of him. Tell yourself that he's never going to hurt you and you have nothing to be afraid of. Even if he did hurt you, you can always fight back.

Answer 4

I know exactly how you feel, my mother acts similar to the way your father does.

I actually don't live with my mother anymore, I moved out when I had enough of her c**p.

I actually don't have good advice, but here's what I did. I talked to older people I could trust, and talked to my friends about it. I actually did confront my mother about how she was acting but she ignored me, eventually I just said to her that enough was enough.

Answer 5

Oh I am so sorry.  I kinda know some of what you are saying.  I am a grown woman and still anxious around my dad, he was abusive towards me and my sister when we were young.

Don't defend your dad, you are defending his actions and you are protecting him.   I know there are reasons why your dad acted the way he did,  just as I know the reason why my dad did.   But it still doesn't make the hurt and the pain any less and still isn't a good enough excuse.  We were children.  Your dad was wrong,  whether he never layed a hand on you or not.  He still hurt you emotionally.  That can be quite devastating to a child.

  As for confronting him or talking to him about it,  it probably would be the wrong thing.  My sister confronted our dad,  and his response was very hurtful to my sister and myself.  The subject has never been spoken of again.  

I don't know,  I could suggest counselling,  that may help you.  Maybe give you some direction and ideas.   I did some counselling,  and it did help.  My therapist was telling me how I was still allowing my father have power over me,  though I was a grown adult and he no longer continued to abuse me.  

Similar to you,  you are still allowing your father to have some kind of control of you.

It is a tough thing, when we grew up with this c**p,  these things get ingrained in us,  and it is hard to change our thinking.  Our natural response when we are around our fathers,  is to be fearful,  anxious and nervous,  because that is how it always was when we were young.  

I have diagnosed general anxiety as an adult,   so I do believe our child hood upbringing does effect alot of how we turn out in some ways.  

I no longer dwell on the past and have forgiven my dad,  but you know stuff is just there.  It is still weired between us.

I know you probably have forgiven your dad.  I would say try and look at him in a new light,  that maybe he isn't quite the same person as he was when you were a child.  That he is older and you are older,  things change.  Just look at him as a pathetic bitter old man.  That is what I did at my dad,  and started to feel sorry for him. Lol  I still get anxious around him though,  he just has this way,  he has a loud voice and has this presence.  I can't talk to him really,  just general chit chat.  

Maybe you may never get completely past it,  I may not,  I don't know.

Do you still live at home?  

It definitely gets  better when you are out of the home.

Answer 6

I'm sorry.It is a strange situation.

but i have some tips that may be help you:

- your behavier against your father must be polite all of your. that help you to think good about root of yourself(your father)

- find his favorite hobby and help him to do that.

- spend more of your time with other member of your family or yor friend.

- try to be independent but never leave your family forever.

- ask from God to help you and your father it help to dont afraid him.

Answer 7

Ok, I understand fully he is a terrible person. I will give you some options. If you can not talk to him because you are scared write him a letter explaining how you feel. If you are deathly afraid of him go to your mother and brother. Your mother can help you and your brother to get out of there, because that is obviously a bad home to be in right now.

I wish you only the best,

   TT Cutie

P.S. If you need more help add em to your contacts and become my friend.

Answer 8

Chances are that he knows what type of father he has been. He is probably sorry for the way he is but is unable to voice that. My father was the exact same way. He was also a very bitter person. We did not speak for 14 years and he died in a car crash so there was not ever any closure for our relationship. I more I think about it and look back I more I realize that the way he was is probably due to the way he was raised. His parents were not loving or kind.

The only thing you can do is be intent on being a way different person than he was. Do things that make you a happy person. If you ever decide to have children then make a plan to be the opposite of what your Father was. Break the cycle.

Answer 9

Talk to a counselor or another adult you can trust. Nobody should ever feel this way. You can talk to me on yahoo messenger if you have nobody else to talk with. I'm sorry and i hope you get help.

Answer 10

wow that's tough! i don't know. i never see my father so when i do get around him (like once every 3 years) i feel uncomfortable. i think i would try to talk to other family members about it and see if they can try to talk to him. this situation is all his fault though. he is just not a loving or affectionate person. if talking to family members or him doesn't work, then i would just try my best to make him happy. i don't know this is a tough question for me. maybe you should try to see a counselor too

i hope i helped out at least a little

good luck

Answer 11

You could get counseling. If not you're going to have to confront him, I'm afraid that you may never get over this if you don't do one of those two things, you have botteled things up for soo long that the wounds run deep. Do you still live with your father? If not and if you can't do either of those things mentioned above then you're going to have to keep your distance and everytime the fear enters STOP them immediatly, fill those thoughts with happiness and good times and memories no matter what you have to do. If you can talk to your father tell him that is what you need both of you to do -create good memories and loving times togehter now b/c it couldn't happen when you were younger, ask him to say sorry! Thats what you do!

Answer 12

I know what you mean and that's extremely sad for your father to be so bitter. Obviously if he scares you just by thinking about him, then you are truly scarred. A father that treats his daughter like that is just asking for denial from her for the rest of his life. Maybe that's what he wants. I don't know because I've never met him. But one way you can tell if he is just a miserable prick is to observe how he acts towards other people. Maybe his family and friends.

However, if he doesn't quite realize what he does to hurt your feelings then he needs help. One day he'll regret treating you like that. But in the mean time, to heal your own feeling, maybe try seeing a shrink. They deal with these kinds of things on a daily basis. And to get some information from one would be highly beneficial to you in the long run.

My father left me and my mother when I was just 1 year old. I wen to visit him when I was 8 years old and he was just a drunken prick. I left from visiting him and returned home to never hear from him again. That was 15 years ago. And to this day I haven't heard from him. And honestly I could care less if I ever did. So the decision is yours as to whether or not you want to make it work with your father. Sounds to me though your heart has already made the decision. And putting yourself through the agony of fearing your father for the rest of your life is in no way deserved or beneficial to you.  

Answer 13

That sounds horribly serious.  The only way to really get through something like that is to start seeing a therapist asap.  Just cuz you get help doesn't make you crazy.  Honestly that may be the only way to get over such trauma.  I hope you no longer live with him,  that will only keep hurting you.  Although that must have been some cruel verbal abuse he has given you over the years I am at least glad to hear he has never physically hurt you (even though verbal is just as bad and inexcusable sick or not)...