I'm an AP...but I still don't understand how...?

Question

some AP's cannot seem to accept the fact that no matter how wonderful they are as parents, the child is always going to feel a loss in their life if they don't have contact with their firstfamilies. I see this time and time again with many different questions. I am NOT saying it is all AP's, because I know there are some here who are wonderfully educated and willing to be what the child needs... To the others: What is preventing you from seeing that your child NEEDS to feel their loss...and then God willing...hopefully begin to deal/heal?

Answer 1

I agree with everything Jennifer said.

As a mom, I feel a natural instinct to protect my child from pain. Intellectually I know that I can't, that it is part of the growth process, but when it comes to the heart, it feels somehow wrong just to let the hurt stand.

But as aparents we have to for one simple fact: the adopted experience, is simply not our experience. We know the adoption process and what adoption means from the parenting perspective, but we were not the ones who were abandoned and no amount of wonderful platitudes and empathizing is going to make it so.

IMO, the best way we can help our child heal is by making sure we are whole ourselves. If we are insecure about our role in our children's lives then how can they ever feel comfortable sharing with us their deep and somethimes very dark feelings about adoption. Their child instinct will be to protect us. We need to separate the relinquishment from the adoption for ourselves in the sense that some APs interpret an adoptee saying that they wish they hadn't been adopted or that it hurts to be adopted to mean that they wish they had never met the APs and they wish they were not a part of the adoptive family.

Not necessarily true. I believe, and adoptees can correct me if I am wrong, that what they really hate is the abandonment. Someone that was tied to them so intimately for 9 months, left them. Who wants to be left behind?

As hard as it is to get our heads around sometimes, we as APs have to realize that our children's abandonment had NOTHING to do with us. We do not OWN that. We didn't casuse it. We couldn't stop it. And in most cases, our children were abandoned long before we ever knew of their existence.

Yep, adoption's complicated.

Answer 2

The bottom line.

Those types live in denial and don't want to even acknowledge that there is a first family.  Many don't want to even open the door to the possibility that the child will want to have a relationship with their mother or first family members.

Out of sight out of mind mentality. Insecurity, ignorance, selfishness and self centeredness are a few reasons that run through my mind of why they don't want to snap out denial and truly do whats in the best interest of a child. Its about whatever makes them feel and sleep better at night. These are the same Ap's that always seem to put down first mothers and their circumstance instead of trying to understand it.

Answer 3

I think it's all about how it is presented to the child. I have two biological children, and one adopted, granted the adopted child is my husband's brother's baby, so he will know his birth parents (they are drug addicts and were smart enough to know that if they couldn't give up the drugs, giving up the baby was a smart choice).  The way I see it, I choose the baby, where as the other two were given to me. He should feel extra special because he was chosen. He's only three now, but if he needs to mourn his loss, he's welcome to, if he needs therapy for it, I'll drive him, pay for it, support him, if he needs to hang out with this birth parents (besides family gatherings) he's welcome to, but it won't change the fact, I choose him, I hope he always knows that. For all the adopted kids out there, your ap choose you, how special are you? Whether your ap could have children or not, they choose you, saw you fell in love, and you are their child. For me, I love my adopted kid just as much as my biological children. There's no difference between them (except the pregnancy and labor was much, much, much easier with the adopted one!!!)

Answer 4

Some AP's take the position that their child shouldn't be feeling any loss or abandonment, and that it's their job to fix it so that those feelings go away.  The same AP's seem to believe that they have something to do with whether their child feels ANY emotion about something that happened before they even came along.  They also seem to believe that they can "mold" their child into what they want him/her to be, and convince him/her to have only the feelings they deem to be appropriate.

Power and control.  Not wanting to give the reins over to the person who SHOULD have them - the child - is all about power and control.  AP's don't get to decide what feelings the child should have.  They may try with all their might, but all they will accomplish in the end is a vast chasm between them and their child.

Answer 5

I definitely agree with independant.

I also think a big part of it is ignorance. Some people jump into adoption with the only thing on their mind being "I want a baby." While I do believe that these APs/PAPs love their child/children, they do not understand them because they didn't do the research. I've come across a few who didn't get why the child would feel abandoned because they loved them so much. I think education would go along way.

Another part of it is the agencies. I was told by the agency that adopted children feel loved and special because they have even more people that care about  them than a "normal" child. I believed her until I came on here and started talking to adoptees. It was an absolute shock to me.

Answer 6

My wish is that my son is very educated about his adoption, and confident enough to realize that in no way whatsoever is or was it his fault, and that yes, he was adopted, however, it was for his own well being.  It's not the fact that I'm ignorant about adoption losses and feelings.  I was when I first got on here, however, I'm trying to read and understand, however, I guess I want him to see the glass half full, not half empty.  It wasn't the adoption that made him have the rejection.  The real reason is because she refuses to stop and see him, even when she's driving by to go to parties and to see her buddies.  When one is educated, not medically depressed, and then chooses to keep going to the abandonment excuses, it is a chosen path at that point.  Even kids who weren't given up for adoption, and even those who grew up in "normal" (if there really is such a thing) household, many feel feelings of rejection, not being loved, pushed too hard, etc.  I try my best to be what my son needs, a mother.  I may not have given birth to him, but I would have if I could have.  I was there during the pregnancy.  I have been there every minute of his life.  I also try to get his 1st mom there to share the joy, and I've tried to help her with her present pregnancy (she wishes to keep the baby, and I'd like to help-it is my son's brother/sister).  I just don't want him to dwell on it forever, the way some people here seem to do.

Answer 7

While I don't disagree that there are some AP's out there that want to pretend that the first families never happened, living in denial, etc, there might be some additional viewpoints.

I think it can be hard for some APs to realize that the grief and loss that many adoptees feel is in no way related to the AP.  Really, it's not the easiest concept to wrap your mind around, as an AP.  Every parent wants to be there to protect their children, prevent hurting or make it all better.  

But this is a hurt that occurred (most often) before the AP ever entered the picture, is nothing that the AP can prevent or heal and in many instances, the AP (particularly the mother) bears the brunt of the adoptee's anger at being abandoned.  

I think that many APs feel that if they are the perfect parents, their children will never feel this loss and when they do, the APs take it as a personal failure.  

It's difficult for many to accept that their children are hurting from something the APs can't totally understand (unless they are adoptees themselves) and can't just make it all better and although they may feel the brunt of it, isn't their fault.

I think it's more complicated than just "ignorance and selfishness".

Answer 8

IDK....Sadly for some APs there is this misconception that they can pretend the child has no history.

ETA; Oh, I'm an AP too

Answer 9

I think the one thing that causes me to tune out a lot of the postings like this is the generalizations that people feel free to make all the time.  You state that "no matter how wonderful they are as parents, the child is always going to feel a loss in their life if they don't have contact with their first families".  

Well, as I've stated I was adopted as a toddler and, speaking only for myself, I've never felt any sense of loss or abandonment.  I've grown up in a loving family that sought me out.  I've got a brother and a sister who were born to my parents, not a half brother/sister or adopted brother/sister.  I've had a, so far, successful career in law enforcement for the past 23 years, been happily married for 16 years and have two of my three children who are adopted and well adjusted.  

I've never felt a loss and I have never felt a NEED to feel a loss.  Not all adoptees feel loss.  I'm sure many of us feel love and acceptance more.

Answer 10

Well, the thing is, not all adoptees DO feel this loss.  I know quite a few I've bluntly asked about it and they don't.  

However, I agree with you that many, perhaps even the majority, will have these feelings.  I don't know many AP's that really feel that their child shouldn't be allowed to grieve that loss.  However, contact with the "first family" isn't always an option.  Maybe the biological parents don't want contact - there are some that really do want a closed adoption so they can move on and not look back.  Maybe the biological parents are a danger to the child.  Maybe they are truly unknown.  I would more than agree that open adoptions are best, but they are not always feasible.  

Besides, I think we get a very biassed view of adoption from the internet.  The "first mothers" and adoptees we most often hear from on forums and on YA are those who do not feel content with what happened.  The ones who don't have adoption as a defining moment in their lives probably don't waste their time on forums.

Answer 11

everything independent said...