I'm bored, any slightly dirty/crude humor jokes?

Question

I need a chuckle,

got any not so old jokes

that will make me laugh.

Best one will get an easy 10 points!!

Answer 1

Heres some for you    ;-)

Q: How is a woman like a condom?

A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your d**k.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and KFC?

A: By the time you've finished with the b*****s and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you lose your house.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The s*x is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full.

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose ?

A. Darling

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q: What do a d***o and soybeans have in common?

A: They're both used as a meat substitute.

Q: What do old women have between their b*****s that young women don't?

A: A bellybutton!

Answer 2

Q: Why was the rooster unhappy?

A: He only got laid once and it was by his mother!!  

Answer 3

Check out the 'Jokes' section on LiketoLaugh.com...

http://www.liketolaugh.com/jokes.php

Answer 4

a guy has s*x with a prostitute.

then the next day he he goes back and complains he got crabs.

the girl says in return "well you only gave me 10 bucks what you expect, lobster.

Answer 5

Rascist jokes any good? (no offence guys!)

Q: How do you stop a mexican tank?

A: Kill the guy pushing it.

Q: What does star trek and toilet paper have in common?

A: they both fly around uranus whiping out Klingnons.

Q: What do you call a group of black guys walking around a car?

A: a cherry ripe.

There's an Australian, an American and a Chinese man sitting on a plane. The plane's engine blows and the pilot says "ok guys you have to each throw something out.

The American throws out a gun and says "There's enough of those where i come from."

The Chinese man throws out a Toy "There's enough of those where i come from!"

The Australian Picks up the american and the Chinese man, chucks them out then yells "There's enough of those where i come from!!"

There's an American, An Australian, and a japanes man, they'd been captured and were in prison. They were each going to get 50 lashes, but, they were allowed something to protect their backs.

The American asks for a pillow, after 25 lashes the pillow brips and he ends up with 25 lashes.

The japanese man asks for 2 pillows and ends up getting 10 lashes.

The Australian ask for 100 lashes and the enemy are impressed with his bravery. they sked what he would like strapped to his back.

The Australian says "The American."

A man walks into a sniper shop. He wants to buy a scope. The guy behind the counter asks him for $100.

And The man makes a fuss "Why is it so expensive?"

The guy behind the counter says "I have to feed my wife and kids. look my wife lives up on that house over there."

The customer looks through his scope and says "I see a man and a woman running through the house naked."

The Guy takes the scope and looks through.

"That  B**ch! I'll give you the scope for free if you can shoot her head off and his D**k off in 2 shots!"

The man looks through the scope again and says "Actually i think i make it in one."

Answer 6

        and    now i will show perfect..........  man  .... look for photo in the next life ..ha ha ha  

Answer 7

this is not crude but.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DVxzU8fP... Jacks personal ad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKCGe2Ezr... Jacks excersice vid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzeh_7kqJ... Jack the wild man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWIyQMZ6F... Jacks second personal ad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOsqV1yXz... Jack pre youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Msb5gQKo... Jack's Widl ride of Dance  

Answer 8

Peanut Story Hope a smile appears on your faces. A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,   which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.   She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied,  'We just love the chocolate around them.'    

Answer 9

A second grade class were having an English lesson. The teacher said to the class "Today's word is 'contagious'.  Can anyone use 'contagious' in a sentence for me?"

Young Suzie stands up and said "My brother has the chicken-pox and I can't go near him 'cause he's contagious".

"Very good" said the teacher. "Does anyone else have another example?"  

Harry stood up. "I had the day off last week 'cause I had a cold and it was contagious".

"Excellent" said the teacher.  "How about one more?"

So little Irish Patrick stands up and, with his thick Irish accent, says "Dad says the next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and it's gonna take the contagious!"

Answer 10

what do vampires use for teabags???

TAMPONS!!!!

♥♫♣