I'm confused. The impression I'm getting from answers here is that children do not want to be adopted. My sis

Question

going to try to adopt when her Hus retires from the military (which is why they can't adopt now). If this is the way adoptees feel, I think I should discourage her from adopting. She can't have any more children of her own. She had HELLP Syndrome with her last pregnancy

Answer 1

I think, if it is really what they want to do then opinions on this site should not discourage them.

Like the adoption system here in Australia.  It's pretty much the consensus that the Australian government is fairly anti-adoption.  Anyway you get put through the ringer and each step of the process, they discourage you even more by only presenting the negatives of adopting, so you are thinking the worst at this stage and you think this is going to be no picnic.  But if you are determined, you keep going until the end.  Then 3 or 4 years later, you finally get allocated a child (not a baby).  Then you have to wait another 12 months of social worker visits before you can even start legalisation and then if you want to adopt again, the whole process starts again.  It can take 6  to 10 years just to adopt 2 kids.  I'm not complaining though, it was worth the wait, and above board.  I have two beautiful children now.

Are they going to have issues about being adopted one day?  Who knows, but that's not going to put me off either.  You can only love, protect and provide for them, their feelings are their own and its up to them how they express it.

Answer 2

Here is one adoptee that is very grateful to be adopted.  And I have 2 adopted kids as well- and they seem to be grateful as well.  Being grateful, however does not mean that adoptees don't have their problems- but you are right, it does seem like here more aren't grateful than are. However in my family alone there are 3 very thankful people. Do not discourage her- I think the majority of the ones that this, really mean that they don't like the way adoption is handled and wants to work for reform.

HERE IS PROOF THAT PEOPLE HERE DO NOT LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE IS ACTUALLY HAPPY WITH ADOPTION- REFORM IS GREAT- BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO LOVE BEING ADOPTED- SO WHY THE THUMBS DOWN- GO AHEAD AND ENCOURAGE THEM TO ADOPT

Answer 3

Wrong. Adoptees are bitter because they have been put up for adoption in the first place. They grow up with insecurity issues, and lack of trust because they figure if someone adopts them, they will eventually send them back to the foster home. This happens often when adopted parents decide they cant handle the child. If your sister wants to adopt, she has to keep in mind that its a lifetime commitment, and if shes serious about it she should definately pursue it. Any child would be grateful to have a loving happy home, as opposed to being in a foster home so i hope the opinions of random people on yahoo answers isnt going to be the deciding factor for the child she might potentially adopt.

Answer 4

I'm happy that i'm adopted. just because i want adoption reforms does not mean i don't want adoption. maybe you are confused.

Answer 5

Hi there. god this place is full of opinions isnt it?!

I personally dont see anything wrong with adoption. I see something wrong with the sealed record thingy in america but thats it. I DONT for one minute think that seperating a child from its mother is actually a bad thing in all circumstances. I am not ignorant to the fact that some adoptions are done in an apauling manner and If their are adoptees on here that have had an adoption that way, then I can see why they would be angry.

Dont take everything you read here seriously, afterall, its only a website with highly opinionated people. Your never going to get any proper answers on here with so many saying how adoption is bad, Aps are greedy etc etc.

I say, tell your sis to follow her heart and do alot of reaseach. Never try and talk her out of anything as it is a choice to be made by her and her husband. It really is up to her. Just be her support and give her your views, but never talk her out of it. Make sure she does alot of reasearch.

I have only used this site for a few days now, and I get impressions about alsorts of things on here.

:)

Answer 6

I've noticed the same thing. I have always thought children wanted a happy home.

Answer 7

Thanks to many and especially Julie and Phil about this issue.

As an adoptee myself, I had wonderful, could-have-not-asked-for-more parents.  However, I did have a loss to occur in my life ---- my natural family.  The people who maybe have my nose, my hands or complexion.  My adoptive parents although so wonderful, had children much older than I that I had to deal with --- jealousy --- they are 25 and more years older than I.  I constantly heard "You got more than any of us."  Sounds like sheer jealousy to me but from people old enough to be my parents and grandparents literally (I am 48; they are 75 to 84 years old; my natural mother 68).  Adoption is not always perfect but it brings us usually from a bad situation to a more liveable one.  Yes, all children, even natural ones, have to understand that life will never, ever be perfect or fair.  As an adoptee I understand that.

Nurse, I advise that your sister like Phil and Julie advise, to research adoption before it occurs.  Don't let others depict how an adoptive child may fully feel.  Myself, I was angry about the situation and the only time I felt anger toward my natural mother was when she started acting narrow-minded because she never told her husband about me and kept me away from my siblings and other part of my family.  She has raised her husband's daughter as her own.  She also compares me to her saying what if I had lost my mother when I was two like her (I lost my adoptive mother at 21).  When I would cry and hurt she would hang up the phone on me or tell me I was feeling sorry for myself instead of consoling me -- what a loving mother would do.  She's a selfish person and now at 48 I see what I could not at 22 -- she doesn't care.  My family and others tried to warn me about her not wanting to have anything to do with me but I did not listen.  The accusation of my anger is her excuse to continue living her life full of lies.  To meet my first cousin this summer, I had to go through a friend that had been knowing him since childhood because my mother doesn't want "HER FAMILY" to know that I exist.   She indicates that I am trying to ruin HER life because I attempted to send my brother a letter.  She signed for it; read it and in return wrote the nasty of nastieth letters back to me telling me how I was trying to ruin HER life and that was why people get abortions.  Then she had the nerve to say that her other children never talk to her the way I do and my response was that they have never had to go through with what I have.  Yes, she is very, very unfair and I have hurt for over 26 years about this.  Therefore, I am  not angry with my adoptive parents because if it were not for them I would not have had a good childhood.  It's what I found out after 18 that I can't believe what happened to me and it hurts all day and everyday of my life.  I have two brothers that I have not seen due to my natural mother's controlling ways.  However, this year, 30 years overdue, I will step out of the closet and I do not care if my natural mother get angry.  I cannot live my life in a closet while she parades around doing what she wants to do with my family to whom she doesn't want me to have any connection.  Needless to say, my life for 26 years have been each day sometimes all day a walking nightmare just to keep my natural mother satisfied and I am tired.  Suicide has been on my mind off and on for 26 years now.  Every class I take for nursing I have to retake because I can't critically think because of all the hurt and stress.

Ever heard of such?  Yes, sounds like a soap opera doesn't it?  However, it is real and that's just a portion of it.  This is just a little for you to know how we have losses and how we feel.  It's not the adoptive parents that we forsake and not appreciate, it's the position that we are placed in and we are only human.  

If your sister feels she can understand, love and nurture a child through a broken spirit, then she is a perfect candidate.  My adoptive mother never told me I was adopted but now that I look at it, she made provisions that I needed to have a better life.  She didn't have a lot of money but what she had she sacrificed and when I hurt, I think about what the both of my

Answer 8

Hi Nurse Answer Mama,

Thanks for taking the time to get thoughts from adopted persons.   I concur with the responses you received from Julie and Phil.  If it comes down to foster care vs. adoption, certainly I'd rather be adopted.  In fact, I was adopted out of the foster care system at age 2.  

This doesn't mean that it's a preference to be raised outside of one's natural family, even though it's sometimes necessary.  So, your sister will just need to be aware of the issues that are inherent in adoption.  For example, no adoption can occur without a loss occurring first.  It doesn't matter why the loss occurred, it just matters that it did.

The issue of adoptee rights is the issue that makes some folks perceive us as "angry and bitter."  That doesn't mean we're angry and bitter in any general sort of way, though.  I, personally, am not thrilled about the war in Iraq, but that simply means I'm angry about that issue.  I'm also angry about the lack of equal rights for adopted citizens in 44 states.  It's an appropriate placement of anger about which I take actions to rectify the law.  However, in a general sort of way, I have a happy and fulfilled life.  People don't normally question that non-adopted people can have happy and fulfilled lives and still have anger toward certain issues.  For some reason, there are those who seem to question that about adopted persons.

I loved my adoptive mom very much.  She passed away 3 years ago and I miss her immensely.  In fact, I just awoke from a nap about a 1/2 hour ago and as I awoke, I realized I'd been dreaming about her.  My love for her has nothing to do with my understanding of the issues that are inherent in adoption and of the unequal treatment of adoptees under the law in 44 states.

If your sister follows Julie's suggestions and checks into books like those Phil suggested, she'll be doing the best she can for both herself and her future adopted child(ren.)

Answer 9

There are "some" adoptees who are angry at being adopted.  But, you know, there are angry people everywhere.  There are also many, many adoptees who feel that adoption was the right choice for their life, like myself.  This isn't a prominent voice on this forum because anytime an adoptee speaks up and says that perhaps their lives are better as a result of adoption they are "thumbs downed"  to death (just watch).  We are condescendingly labeled "happy"  or "in denial"  for having the audacity to see anything good in adoption.

That said, adoption is complicated, and it is a different experience living life as an adoptee.  There are struggles and, as you can learn from this site,  some of these struggles are profound.  If your sis is planning to adopt, she could really benefit from hearing these stories and educating herself as best as she can.    It is different raising a child who is not biologically related. I hope your sister is not discouraged from this site, but if she is open-minded she can learn a lot from this site on the perspectives of birth mothers and their losses, adoptees and their struggles and gain info from other PAP's.

Maybe this will help her enter adoption with "open eyes" and compassion for what her future child may go through.

Answer 10

I think, in general, it's true.  All things being equal, children would prefer not to be adopted.  Children would prefer not to be relinquished by their original families.

But if the choice is between foster home and adoption, I would choose adoption.  Adoption is not ideal, but it is sometimes a necessity.  

Julie J's comments are pretty exhaustive.  The most important thing I would suggest to any person thinking about adoption is to learn, as much as you can, about adoption and its effects on everyone involved.

A good start would be reading.  Some books on the adoptee experience that I would recommend to your sister:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

And, to another poster here who can't seem to answer a question without a dig at someone:  There are plenty of people here who "condescendingly" label adoptees as 'angry' or 'bitter' "for having the audacity to see anything [negative] in adoption."  But I, for one, had loving adoptive parents.  I still think adoption ought to be a last resort.

Answer 11

You can't go off from what you read here.  I think the majority of the people that are on here are all bitter and lonely adoptees.  I think all the happy adoptees are out enjoying their lives.  I know a lot of people that have been adopted and are positively happy people.

Answer 12

DOnt be confused this is is just like where all the really unhappy people hang. there are more people who like being adopted but they like castrate the ones and delte the questions from the ones who dont fall into their line and wear stupid police hats

Answer 13

Dont listen to all the angry people on here! They have personal issues beside just being adopted. I was adopted by my parents and had a wonderful life! I also have 5 cousins who were also adopted by my aunts and uncles who love them dearly and my cousin  are all very happy to have homes.  None of us angry or bitter.  I would avoid the adoptiong section here on Y!A due to all their anger however I want to represent all the happy adoptees! Adoptiong is a great thing and i plan to do it myself. Dont discourage your sister from adopting it is a wonderful thing and there are so many children who need homes!

Answer 14

Hi Nurse Answer Mama,

I know you are only looking for real answers to that question, so I will do my best to answer it.  As a "regular" on this forum, here are a few of the main messages I think adoptees would want to get out there:

1) Adoption should be centered around a child who really needs a family, such as a foster child, not on an infant that is being transferred from one family to another.  Adoption should not be focused upon the needs/wants of the adults.

2) Adoptees do not like the secrets & lies associated with the way adoption is practiced in the U.S.!  Adoptive families should remember that adoptees do have other families and that should be talked about, honored and respected, not feared or degraded.

3) Adoptees want the same rights that other citizens have, most notably their records of birth which are still denied to them in 44 U.S. states.

4) Adoptees, like everyone else, would rather stay within their natural families if at all possible.  That does not mean they cannot love others too if changing families is a necessity.  Adoption should be a last resort though.  Every child deserves a good home & love, not just adopted children.  It would not be fair to expect extra gratuity from children in return for adopting them.

5) How much someone loves their adoptive parents has nothing to do with how they feel about the institution of adoption itself.  It is not only those with "bad experiences" that seek rights & reform within adoption.  Many natural and adoptive parents are supportive in search, reunions, & rights activist activities.

Before anyone adopts, it is their obligation to learn as much as possible about adoption, particularly from the adoptee's viewpoint.   I would recommend surfing the net for adult adoptee blogs, reading books on the topic, talking with others.  There is far more about adoption that the general public is not aware of.  Adult adoptees have a wealth of information to offer in hopes of helping the next generation of adoptees to have something better than what they got.

If adoption is truly done in the best interests of a child who needs a home, then there is no need to discourage your sister from adopting, assuming she is certified to do so.

Thanks for asking.  You might want to tell her about this forum if she is interested in learning more.  These were just a few off the top of my head.  There is much more to the topic.  Hope this helps.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 15

I've noticed the same thing, as well.

Answer 16

I can't say for sure because I wasn't adopted, but the impression I get here is that it's wrong to adopt a child that was put up for adoption due to the birth mother being forced or coerced into it.  One safe way to not get into that is to adopt from foster care.  But be aware that abused and neglected children have wounds that may never heal no matter how much you love them.

Whatever your sister does, I wish her and her family luck and blessings.