I'm considering open adoption. opinions please?

Question

i'm 21 and having a baby. ok i understand what i did. now here's my delima. i've got 2 more years of school, i work a lot just to keep myself afloat, the dad is being supportive. i just do not feel that i can give the baby the life it deserves. i do not want to give the baby up, but i feel it can have a better life with a different family. after talking to some adopted friends i really am considering an open adoption. what are your opinions on this?

Answer 1

I adopted my son 3 years ago and we chose open adoption. I love it because we have a great relationship with his birth mother. She is not completely out of his life and wondering what happened. She gets to see him whenever she wants. She was in the same situation as you but she was younger. She knew that she wanted to finish school, and still have a life of her own. She just could not financially take care of a child, and wanted the baby to have a better life.  Open adoption is a good thing.

Answer 2

My first mom gave me up (under pressure from her mother) because she wanted me to have a better life.  She thought she couldn't give me the best life possible.  

All I wanted was to be with her.  

She wanted me to be in a two parent home.  I wound up in a single parent home anyway.  

All I wanted was to be with her.  

You need to do whatever you think is best.  This is your decision.  But you need to know that your child wants you, above all else.

Answer 3

i think you are the only one who going to decide whats best for you or your baby and i don't think that you need anyones opinion but if you think that you cant offer your child the best life that he or she deserve than i think you should do whats the best in this situation.but i bet that as soon you have your baby you will be willing to give up everything and try your very hardest to keep it and make sure that it will have the best life possible. i had many future plans and big things going till i found out i was pragnant.at first i was scared and didnt know what to do,i wasen't married barley made on my own but than it hitted me and i realized that all of those things can be put on hold and i had to take the responsebality to be a mom to my son.my son is 5 months old now and hes the best thing that had ever happened to me.now im planning to take online college courses and trying to better myself for my son.to be honest adoption crossed my mind several times but i said no! because i myself was adopted and its nothing like being with your own.i wish you good luck ..i know its hard but thats just part of life.

Answer 4

when I was 21 I found out I was pregnant and I was in the same boat as you. Only a little bit of time left in school working a lot and so on.

I did the open adoption because I was thinking of my child first. I wanted the best life for her. I would say if you have even ONE doubt that you need to reconsider your options. maybe consult an adoption counselor. I have a good one if you would like her number. She is amazing!

Just know that true love is putting someone else's needs before your wants. There are a lot of loving and wonderful families that would love to have a child and could take care of your child in ways you never dreamed of.

My daughter is with a great and amazingly loving family! I thank God everyday for the family I found.

I would also say do not pay attention to people posting about how they are after they were adopted. Everyones experiences are different. Whether it is from the birth mother or the child. You and your boyfriend really need to think this out.

Answer 5

Many women get attached to their adorable babies right after they are born. If you think you can give up your baby, then an open adoption would probably work. If you want it to stay open, choose parents-to-be that aren't overly protective. They are more likely to discontinue contact of any kind.

If you don't think you'll be strong enough to put your baby up for an adoption then an abortion would probably be the best path unless you can find a way to parent it.

Answer 6

Don't put him up for adoption just yet. Keep him for just a while, if you change your mind, great. But if you still don't feel that you'll do good enough, at least you gave it your best shot.

Answer 7

Hi, I totally know where you are coming from. I just had my son 4 days ago, and he is with his new family. I went with open adoption for us. I don't work, I'm only 18 and still in high school. Its only been 4 days, its really hard. I miss him so much... but open adoption makes it so much easier. I emailed the family & they write back about how he is doing. I have pictures from the hospital & a memory box with some of his hospital things. I wish I could have kept him, but I just want whats best for us. I'm not regretting my choice. If you don't think you can raise your baby or give him/her everything he/she deserves... go for adoption. Love can't be selfish.

Answer 8

As an adoptive mother, my advice is to not surrender your baby to adoption. You said you don't want to, so don't. If you're really unsure, wait. Stay on this board. Read posts from adopted people and everyone else who posts here. Consider how you will feel (and how your child will feel!) if, in 2 years (or 5...or 10) your child's new family moves away and chooses not to let you know. As others have said, open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable. Wanting to stay in touch with your child indicates that you are not ready to let go and I applaud that! So many women who are pregnant and considering adoption contact adoption agencies and then choose an adoptive family for their child. When the baby is born, the mother feels obligated to 'give' her child to these people because it is what she promised. You are under NO obligation to anyone except yourself! What your baby deserves (since you said you think he or she can have a better life with a different family) is YOU. Not parents with lots of money and privilege; not a swimming pool; not a vacation in Cabo every year. If the baby's father is willing to be a part of the baby's life, he can help support the baby financially. It will be a struggle but I think it will be worth it. And remember: I'm an ADOPTIVE mother and I'm saying this to you. Weigh your options carefully.

Answer 9

Open Adoption can be a huge blessing for your child AND for you.  The best part is that it is not goodbye forever.  Please talk to an adoption professional about your options...

http://www.OpenAdoption.com

Answer 10

well there is help out there where you can keep your baby and still go to school full time.

Do you have any family willing to help you out. you have some family that would let you stay with them and help you with your baby while you finish school.

look into all thats available to you before you decide. theres alot out there.

I have 1 child looking to adopt another child.

Answer 11

It may be hard to give it up once it is born. I don`t know anyone who did not love their child as soon as it was out. I think you should keep it...? I just don`t know exactly what to say without knowing what kind of person you are and what type of environment you live in. :( I`m sorry. If you really don`t think it`s going to have a good life with you though, perhaps you should adopt it. You want the child to be happy regardless....

Answer 12

Open Adoptions are not legally enforceable. The aparents can close the adoption at any time they'd like. It is only open on trust. I advise against them. It sounds like you have the supportive father, like you can DO IT. Please google some first parent blogs and read them.

http://paragraphein.wordpress.com is a great blog to read for first mothers. She too is in an open adoption. She also links many other first mothers.

If you can do it ( keep your baby ) DO IT.

This says it all to me:

". i do not want to give the baby up "

Answer 13

don't do it if you don't want to.  Money isn't everything just because you do not have a lot of it doesn't mean you won't be giving your child a great life.  However i do commend you for not aborting the baby.  Goode luck and i hope it works out well for you.  It is better to be poor and happy than to be rich and miserable.  We only have one shot at life remeber that

Answer 14

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over four years now. We are now looking into adoption as a way to build our family. Even though it's true that some families will say they want an open adoption then back out of that later I believe there are also many who truly want to keep the mother involved. I also believe its better for the baby to know both families, that way they feel like they have a complete picture of who they are.

Answer 15

If you don't want to give up your baby, then DON'T!  Open adoptions are not legally enforceable, and many adoptive parents promise open adoptions, and then reneg once the ink is dry on the finalization papers.  There are lots of programs available to help you through school so that you can keep your baby.  If all else fails, try to get into a guardianship situation, where a person, or couple, takes care of your baby for a couple years while you finish school.  You can stay in your baby's life, and s/he can come home with you once you're done with school and stable.

This is a temporary problem...just two more years!...you don't need a permanent solution.

Answer 16

You really really really need to know the realities of what you are getting yourslef into... read the blogs of adoptees ( Better life??) and mothers who relinquished...keep reading even when you hate what you are hearing...

Answer 17

don't count on it staying "open"!!!  it's not legally enforceable.

you said: "i do not want to give the baby up"  please do not do it.

is it possible to find a way to parent your baby??

Answer 18

I know that everyone is saying it is not legally forcible which is totally true. There are many things you can do and questions you can ask. For me I make sure I keep my end of the bargain because ethical it would be wrong. I have integrity and it is important. Be honest with the prospective adoptive family what you  need and want. Ask for more than you may want and see what is said. I find that it is very important for my son to know his bio family so he knows where he comes from and doesn't feel so different because he know the people that look like him though he does take after us personality wise. I have a good-excellent relationship with both the birth mother and birth father (they are no longer together). This is one of the hardest moments in your life right now. If you did give it up I believe having an open adoption makes it easier. Good Luck either way glad you have support.

Answer 19

It's true that open adoptions are based on trust between natural mothers and adoptive parents and are not legally enforceable. But, should you decide to proceed with an adoption plan after the baby is born, I assure you that there are many, many adoptive parents that do honor open adoption agreements. Just be very careful.

No where in your question did you ask whether or not to keep your child so I'm not going to try to persuade you one way or the other. Only you can make that decision. I just wanted to tell you that these arrangements can and do work. And if adoption is a decision you make then open is in the best interest of the child.

Answer 20

Well i would do what is best for you but if you have one single doubt don't do it even if it is a open adoption they are certain things that apply but if the dad is being supportive that is a great thing if you can give the baby a good life don't have to be great as long as you can get him or her what they need then with family support and the dad's support you can probally handle it

Answer 21

After speeking with my mom i decided to do open adoption to i fell like i want my baby to have the best life and that i can't give it to them but i do want to know who they are and what they are.

so i think as long as you want to and if it is the best thing for your babay you should do it.