I'm curious about something in regards to adoption...?

Question

So I'm sitting here reading some of the responses and people opinions and it occurred to me: Where do people come up with these ideas that women are 'badgered' into 'giving up' or 'giving away' their unborn child?

Why do so many of you believe that children of adoption are ridiculed?

Why are some of you so obviously bitter and so h**l-bent on the "preservation of families".....when many times it's not in the best interest of ANYONE in that family?

And why would any of you be ashamed of your adoption or circumstances surrounding your adoption?---If you can, give a decade in which your adoption occurred. Thanks.

Answer 1

Wow.

I just love Robin D.!  Please come see us at adultadoptees.org/forum.

Jennifer, how's the adoption coming along?  Paperwork done?  Waiting to be picked? Good luck with that!

ETA: OMG Tish--thank goodness you persevered!

Answer 2

I'm posting the same answer that I gave another person on here.

Um..I will be honest I'm not sure what you are wanting. I feel that there are different experinces that people have regarding adoption. I mean there are people like me that had a good adoption, I have two wonderful people that raised me. Then I read stories of where some adopted kids were abused or made to feel different in their adoptive homes. Does that make them wrong? NO, it means that maybe the just had a different experince than me. I try to be open minded that people will not have the same feelings on adoption as me. It does not make them bad people, most don't resent their adoptive parents. In order to completely understand a subject a person should try to understand all sides of it. They shouldn't just brush off a person's feelings because they may not have the same experince. I hope this helps a bit. Please don't take offense.

Thanks,

healing adoptee

Answer 3

I was adopted in the UK in 1985. I am not at all ashamed in the fact that i am adopted, i am proud. My mum used to tell me I was special and in a way i guess i was, thats because I made her happy and gave her what shes couldnt have naturally. Theres no shame in that at all. I had a great upbringing and it was my birth mothers choice to give me up for adoption. I am in touch with my birth mother, father and siblings and its the best thing i have ever done. I now know more about my background. It took me two years to find them and I did it all on my own. Proud to be adopted!!! lol

Answer 4

I was taken away from my birth mother at 15 months because she was "living with a man to whom she was not married" & a waitress (per court records - 60's). A year later she was told she'd never have custody of me again, but could give me up for adoption.

I was also a teen mom (late '70's). At the time, my adopted mom called me a tramp "just like your mother" (referring to my birth mother).

My (a) mother pushed me for over two years to relinquish my daughter. When I refused, my (a) parents told me I was "ungrateful" and didn't appreciate all they'd done for me. When that didn't work, she tried to have my daughter taken away and again, failed.  

When I began to search for my biological parents, I got questions such as; "What kind of person are you? Why would you want to find her? She didn't want you in the first place! She abandoned you!" I was accused of being disloyal to my adoptive parents.  

Adoptees are ridiculed for wanting to know our own histories, our biology, heritage, genealogy, medical backgrounds, etc.  

Society builds museums to the past; digs up long lost histories & cultures. Studies anthropology, sociology,  biology, history, genealogy.  But adoptees are ungrateful, disloyal, need therapy, whatever, for having the same, very HUMAN and very normal curiosity about ourselves, our history.  

Society makes certain assumptions about adoptees. We are all assumed to be illegitimate; we were abandoned by our mothers or our mothers didn't want us;  we are often 2nd choice, after our parents have exhausted all other attempts at having "their own child".  And always, we should just be grateful that they gave us a home!  The media regularly says things like, "her adopted daugter", rather than just "her daughter".  And then the comments like, "he's not their 'real' child, you know. He's adopted."  Huh?!

Although our adopted parents tell us wonderful fables about our adoptions (your parents were too sick to care for you, we 'chose' you!), we hear the negative comments usually from outside our families.  

Today, there are so many children in foster care sadly because parents are drug addicted. They need a home with open hearted people who understand their loss and grief, and who will love them. Yet, they are not being adopted.  

I am not "bitter".  But like many others who share here, I'm tired of being judged harshly for wanting to know my history, or for expressing the downside of adoption.

P.S. What you perceive as "bitterness" is actually the grief & loss experienced but not allowed expression because of the fear of hurting adoptive parents or seeming ungrateful or being judged as "bitter".  

One of the most powerful healing forces available to everyone is empathy.

Answer 5

Sigh....

Answer 6

i see mum's who give up there babies or children for adoption as the most selfless, giving brave woman ever.

they deserve medals and chocolate and ticket tape parades.

they have to make the hardest choice ever and then be knocked for it.

i think that you are hurting and need a huge hug.

sooooooo (((((((((((((((HUGSFORYOU)))))))))))))))...

Answer 7

cleveland, ohio 1991...

"this family is expecting to have a baby in their arms in october.  you are probably their last chance at having a baby. you MAY think you want to keep this baby, but it's just the hormones talking!"

after decision to not place

"we need you to come in and meet with us. you CAN'T simply bail out of the agreement. what about the parents who are expecting this baby? have you thought about THEIR FEELINGS?"

need i go on...

don't know your definition of badgering, but i felt pretty d**n badgered....

Answer 8

A) Some mothers were/are coerced.  

B) Some adoptees (me, for one) were ridiculed.

C) Adoption made life harder for me, but overall I had a good adoption experience and love my a'parents.  I don't think my experience is universal, just mine.  What makes me BITTER is having everything I say and feel ignored so someone can dismiss me as "anti-adoption," or decide I must have had a bad childhood because I sometimes dare to opine that adoption is not a one hundred per cent beautiful rainbow colored thing.

D) Why would I be ashamed?  Because the norm is to not be adopted.  Because to this day I stumble upon internet conversations in which first mothers are referred to as crack whores and uneducated s***s.  How would you feel about yourself if people talked about your mother like that and you couldn't take comfort in knowing they're wrong because you've never even met her?  Do you think you'd feel proud of yourself and where you came from?

Adoption is complicated.  It is neither good nor bad.  My feelings about it are very complicated, but they are not to be dismissed.  They're mine, and they're valid.  If they shake you up a little bit, you can either dismiss me as a horrible bitter person or you can do some research.  You could even try asking a genuine, open-hearted question instead of a loaded, angry, defensive one.

I was adopted in the 60s.  I do think some things have changed for the better since then, but we still have a long way to go.

Answer 9

I think there are FAR too many broad generalizations in this forum.  People who are bitter about their adoption paint ALL adoption as bad, all adoptive parents as people who think of themselves as saviors, and all birth mothers as these ideal young innocent women whose arms were twisted into giving up their child.  All of those are broad generalizations and don't apply to every situations but there is SOME truth in it all.  Yes, there are young mothers who are persuaded to give up their child by their family, the boyfriend, their own fear, etc.  But that's not always the case.  Yes, there are some not-so-great adoptive parents out there who seem to think of themselves as "saviors" for their adopted child & throw it in their face any chance they get.....that's just bad parenting.  But there are also great adoptive parents who don't do that at all.  Then there are the positive adoptees, like myself.  I had a great experience and think highly of adoption but I realize that's not everyone's truth.  That's fine.  I have no problem with those on this site who disagree with my opinion.  They are entitled to feel as negatively toward adoption as they want.  But it's when they try to invalidate or question my own happy experience that it bugs me.  Because to me, that's an unwillingness to accept that there is ANY positive that ever comes out of adoption and that's just another broad generalization brought on by their own negative experience.  It would be better if everyone on this site would stay away from broad generalizations period and just accept that there are always going to be some positives and some negatives for ANY situation, including adoption.

Answer 10

Ummm...my firstmother was absolutely coerced and I have it all in writing.  Not only that, the agency fleeced me.  A baby!  They collected financial government support off of me while I was in the care of my adoptive parents.  My aparents didn't see a penny of that money and yet they were the ones supporting me.  How?  Well, the agency made me their ward in a different court than the one that handled my adoption and didn't bother to tell my adoptive parents.  In fact, they kept me on the books as their ward for months after my adoption was finalized and they collected money on my behalf that neither I nor my aparents ever saw. Yes.  I have documented proof from the agency that handled my adoption.

They had to give me all of it by court order and it is ugly.

And it is just the tip of the iceberg.

There were secret emergency court hearings and letters sent to known vacated addresses and all so the agency could make a buck.  It's sickening.

I'm happy for you that this is not true in your case.

But it is true for my case.  No doubt about it.

And the thing is, up until a few months ago, I had no idea.  I thought everything was on the up and up.  Why would I think differently?

Boy, was I wrong.

With that said, I am not bitter in the slightest.  Just wary of the system and how adoption is portrayed as the answer to everyone's problems.  When at least in my case, it wasn't.

I have the right to tell my story and you have the right to tell yours.

Answer 11

Come up with ideas????

No - I couldn't make up this stuff even if I tried.

For you - I'd suggest some reading -

first mother blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

adoptees blogs-

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

websites -

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/

http://origins-usa.org/

http://www.theadoptionshow.com/home2.php

books -

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

All of the above is to do mostly with infant adoption - where a mother and child are separated soon after birth.

Adoptions range from the 60's - right up to recent times.

Foster care adoption - where a child has been taken from parents because of abuse etc - is a completely separate issue (ie adoption through foster care). Yes - these children need stable and loving homes.

Me - I'm not ashamed of my adoption - but the attitude of others that have not been adopted certainly makes me feel like a second class citizen at times.

Right here - I've been told countless times that I should be grateful that I wasn't aborted - and forever happy that I was adopted - without anyone knowing how my life was - or even having the empathy to try to understand the magnitude of what it means for an adoptee to lose their entire family - and be placed with complete strangers.

I had a good life - I love my adoptive family - but my adoption didn't NEED to happen - it was society views and my grandmother that made my mother give me away - because she was unwed. (late 60's) My father offered marriage - but my fate was sealed. They married 6 months after my birth - and went on to have 3 more kids. A family that I was not allowed to talk about - let alone know of - and had to search for myself when I was 35.

Consequently - I found a mother that is so traumatized from what she went through - as like many women of the time - she was told to go home and forget that she ever even had a child - that she now suffers chronic depression & stress from the trauma.

This period is now referred to as the 'Baby Scoop Era'.

Thankfully in Australia - the government has realized the effects of taking babies from children with no concern for either of their mental health - and to this day - less than 500 adoptions are finalized here each year - and most of those are from overseas.

In the US - a staggering 130,000 adoption take place each year - mostly of children that do not need to be adopted - when thousands of children languish in foster care.

Young women are still being encouraged to give up there children - instead of parenting. Adoption has become a very large industry in the US - where big bucks are paid for babies - and the money all mostly goes to the agencies and lawyers as 'fees'.

I, personally, know too many adoptees and first mothers that have been traumatized by the institution of adoption - when it didn't 'NEED' to happen.

If a mother truly does not wish to parent their child - that is their decision - but let it be a decision made on fair and unbiased information - unlike that which is out there in the mainstream today.

For adoption to happen - a child has to lose their family.

This single - but critical fact - is forgotten by too many - & too often treated with little respect by most.

Edited to add:

I just read on another thread that you have an open adoption with your relinquished son. Sadly - too  many are promised 'open' - but then it gets closed down soon after the ink on the paperwork is dry. 'Open adoptions' are not enforceable.

Obviously - you've been very lucky - as has your son.

Would you not want others to have the same experience that you have had??

For me - it was a completely closed adoption - and I wasn't even allowed to talk about my first family - let alone know them.

The same could be said for many of the adoptees who visit this place.

Think for a minute about how different that would have been for you and your son.

This still happens to this day.

Just because your experience was a good one - doesn't mean that all adoptions end up that way.

Mostly you'll hear adoptive parents praising adoption - but not nearly as many first mothers or adoptees - think why that would be.

I'm just out there looking out for the best interests of the child & their families.

It would be nice if others would do the same.

Answer 12

my son is adopted and his mother was counseld by the adoption agency and she just didn't feel she could take care of child at this time. She didn't give him up, she chose not to parent and allow us to. I'm so glad you asked this question because adoption can be a wonderful experience. We;ve had nothing but positive remarks from everyone! Families are created in many ways, adoption being one of them. i am tired of adoption being trashed! i'm sorry if some here have had bad adoption experiences but we won't let that happen to our son!