I'm dating this lady and my son from my 1st marriage found out and he's all upset i didn't tell him first. ?

Question

I got divorced about 2 years ago. my son jonathan, from my first marriage, visits me on weekends and the summer. i recently started dating this really nice lady named Stacy about 6 months ago.

Jonathan was extremely upset about our divorce, so i didn't plan on telling him about Stacy. well it turns out that Jonathan picked up the phone when Stacy called and found out all about her.

he was in a rage and locked himself in his room. i apologized numerously but he won't open the door. what should i do? should i call his mom? thanks so much.

Answer 1

Let him be.  Don't say anything else to him tonight.  Just let him stay in his room if he wants.  

Don't call his mother.  There's no reason to bring her into this drama.

Your son is 13 years old.  He is old enough to understand that mom and dad are divorced.  He is definitely too old to be flying into a rage and having a toddler fit because you're establishing a social life.  You don't owe him an apology.  You didn't spring this woman on him and say "here's your new mom, son" or anything remotely like it.  Sit him down in the morning and explain that you understand he may be upset, but that you have every right to date people, as does his mother.  Leave it at that.  Be there to support your son, but don't permit your teenage child to dictate your life.  Don't hide your life from him either.  You don't need to parade every woman you date in front of him or share any details, but he needs to be aware that you will be dating and that it won't change.  My kids are 9 & 11 and accept the fact that I date, so there's no reason why a child can't be mature enough to accept it at age 13.  I've only introduced them to two men in 7 years, but they are fully aware that I have a life outside of them when they're not here.  Buck up dad... don't let your child dictate your life.

Answer 2

Ah..thats a delicate situation.

Maybe try an analogy.."if your friend moved away..you would miss them..but eventually you would find a new friend".

Let him think about it.

It is like that, son. your mom moved away.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Hi,

Do whatever make the little child comfortable. Tell him you will do anything for him. Make him happy anyhow. Tell him he is the most important person in your life. Children are innocent, they have god inside them. They are the only ones which cannot be misguided by satan therefore satan has no control over them. That's why even satan is afraid of them. If you cannot handle him, call his mom, do whatever but insure that he is safe and happy. He will always remain your son, no matter what happens but your new girl friend/ wife can leave you. Always remember that.    

Answer 4

Well you are going to have to be firm with him....no more apologies, you are feeding into his anger. Explain to him that it is time that you move on and that you are not married to his mother anymore. This will be a hard conversation to have but stay firm and strong. He probably thinks that you and his mother had a chance to get back together, and now all his hopes are threw out the window. Divorce is hard on children but he is old enough to handle this. I handled it at 8.  

Answer 5

he is hurting. he probably secretly hopes that you and his mom will get back together. this dating thing is something you should have prepared him for when you first started dating her. all you can do now is let him vent. after he calms down, try talking to him and get mom involved if necessary.

Answer 6

tell him that you don't want to introduce him to anyone you are dating until you are serious about them and that's why you didn't say anything about her because you're not sure where it's going yet.  Tell him you only want him to meet someone who you think is really special and if/when it gets to that point he will meet her.  Tell him it is not necessary for him to meet everyone you date because you don't want to have him get attached to someone who might not be hanging around for a while.

he's upset because most kids have a fantasy about their parents getting back together and this is proof that you won't be.  He also probably fears that you will start a new family and won't need him any more.  you'll just have to work a little harder at letting him know that your divorce from his mother is not a divorce from him.  Don't over indulge or spoil him.  still be dad, still discipline when appropriate, don't buy his love or let slack up on him out of guilt.

tread carefully.  It's going to be awkward and uncomfortable for a bit.

Answer 7

I do think jonathan has a right to know who you are dating, but feeding into this tantrum is only giving him power to trump you when he wants. I think you should just tell lil jonathan that we don't lock doors in daddy's house and now that he is a teenager its time to man up and discuss our problem. No do not call mommy just put your foot down.

Answer 8

I don't think you should avoid having a social life or apologize for having a girlfriend to your son, or anyone else.

Kids do have emotional issues after parents divorce, so attending to the child's emotional needs when they need it, is helpful.  Even though it's been a couple years since the divorce, it's not too late to take him to a therapist.  Kids feel abandoned and rejected when their parents divorce, and don't understand the entire concept.  Sometimes they even blame themselves.

After i was divorced my son started exhibiting emotional issues by acting out (especially around his father).  I did take him to therapy and his therapist helped him in ways HE could relate to and understand.  

Maybe your son could use the same type of support?  And you could always join him.

take care.

Answer 9

I'm not gonna tell you that you were right not to tell him because he should be the most important thing in your life.But you need to tell him that you thought it would upset him. But really it probably upset him more when you didn't tell him at first.

Answer 10

Explain to him that although you are dating someone it won't change anything between you and him.  He needs some type of assurance that his whole life is not falling apart (because he probably feels it is).  Tell him you want to talk to him and if he doesn't come out soon you will have to break in.  He won't run away will he?  Just explain his mother is still his mother, you are still his father, but you want to have a happy life and it can't be with his mother anymore.    

Answer 11

If YOU make a big deal of it, your son will too.  Further, your social life is none of his business.  You are not required to answer to your son, nor to your ex....

Tell him thru the door, " Gee, I'm sorry you're upset.  Let me know what you want for breakfast."

End of problem.

If he asks any questions, you don't answer them!!!!   god, dad, who's the parent here?

Answer 12

What the h**l is his problem? He sounds extremely sensitive. For some reason this is a common problem though.

He probably is pissed about your divorce still, maybe. I can't say. It just sounds like it.

I'd just explain, or possibly re-explain to him that you and his mother are completely over and it's okay for you to start dating again and you deserve to be happy. And this woman is very nice and explain to him all the good stuff about her and that. And it's your personal life and one day when he's older and more mature and ever in the situation you are in, he'll understand.

Hopefully he'll understand.  

Answer 13

Tell your son you understand he is upset and that you are there to talk to him about how he is feeling when he is ready. Let him know that you like this woman and you just weren't sure how to bring it up to him. When my son who was 5 his dad told him he was getting married. We weren't even in the process of a divorce yet. From that day my son refuses to be called Jr., Randy or anything other then his full first name Randall. That is how he handled his dad getting married.

Please ensure your son knows he is not the reason you and his mom got divorced. That things for whatever reason didn't work out and that you hope that his mom finds someone special in her life. Best of luck.

Answer 14

I have a hunch that since you are not sure that this new lady in your life may even work out, you did not want his hopes to be built up about her and then she disappears. This new gal may appear to him that you think she is better than his Mother..He is very protective of his Mother.

I had a new lady in my life that took on my daughter like her own. And then bham! She dumped me and never spoke to my daughter again. It was like another divorce for my daughter. My daughter was devastated. Actually, I am a little p**s-off right now thinking about it.