I'm entering this in a poetry conest... could you critique it for me?

Question

Ella

She twirls and she whirls everywhere she goes

Everyday she acts like there’s something she knows

That we don’t, she is a princess

She wanders the house in that Barbie dress

She believes in dreams and magic

Her magic wand is an old oak stick

She searches for Tinker Bell

She has many secrets to tell

Her bed is a castle, the closet a new land

She holds her dreams in the palm of her hand

Every day is a fairy tale to her

When you watch her you’re sure

That dreams come true

She once told me that they do

She says Peter Pan took her to Neverland

She said, “Take my hand

And I’ll take you there”

Suddenly I feel like I'm walking on air

You look at her and she’s Cinderella

But then you blink and she’s just Ella

Answer 1

Wow!!! Thats really good!!!! Good rhyming and good way of describing her. Well done!!!!!! I actually really like that!!!

Answer 2

The only thing I would change is;

"She wanders the house in that Barbie dress

She believes in dreams and magic"

to

"She wanders the house in that Barbie dress,

Believes in dreams and magic"

and the same for;

"She searches for Tinker Bell

She has many secrets to tell"

That's just my opinion though. Other than that it's great!

Answer 3

oh wow.. you are awesome at poetry (:

very cute<33

and i dont see anything wrong with it.

Answer 4

I think that your need to make a rhyme has forced your poem to be something you didn't intend.  Don't hold back what you want to say because of a rhyme scheme; many poets refuse to follow a set rhyme scheme.  I think you should try and write a different version of the poem where you dont rhyme at all, then look at them both.  You will be able to pick lines that express your thoughts better.  Good luck with this hun :)

Answer 5

Line 2 - You use the pronoun she 5 times by the end of line 2.

Try,

"Every day acting like there's something she knows."

And maybe even adjust line one,  or any other lines, so you don't have that many pronouns of the same person unnecessary repeated. I just took notice of it, and thought it could be better without all those pronouns.

Line 3- "She is a princess," is a new sentence.

Line 4 Change that to her. "That barbie dress," sounds like you're on the verge of explaining what the dress looks like.

Ex:

'That barbie dress, pink and blue..."

Line 14 - "She once told me that they do."

"She told me once, that they do."

Sounds better.

Line 18 -

"Suddenly I feel like I'm walking on air,"

Consider changing the position of the word suddenly.

"I suddenly feel like I'm walking on air."

Line 19 -

Get rid of the word and, and use a comma.

The last two lines have a stressed rhyme. Don't overly consider revising though.

When I read this poem, I thought of the freedom, and joy, of childhood.

I give this poem a

7.2/10

Answer 6

Meh. It's cute, and it sure does rhyme, although the rhythm's a little off sometimes. I don't have the same problem with the repetition as another answerer did; I thought it gave the poem a nice storybook quality.

Don't expect it to win you any national prizes (though I wouldn't say 'no' to a school competition or something), but I thought it was nice enough.

Answer 7

I like this very much - you have captured - and rightly expressed - a giver of (what men call) fantasy.  This Ella - is able to transport herself and others - to a land of her own making - a world of beauty, magic and mystery - a land of fables, legends and - sometimes - moral lessons.  Well told ♥

Answer 8

I love this! I can see my own daughter running around in every line, just fizzing and laughing and dancing and being ALIVE.

Answer 9

dang u got talent!

Answer 10

i think you will win. that put me back to my childhood

Answer 11

Nicely Done !! It has a nice flow to it,,,,,,,

Good Luck with it

Answer 12

I think it would make a good song...

I'll come up with a rhythm on the acoustic guitar, and let you know how it turns out...

That was good...

Answer 13

really great

Answer 14

Ella from Neverland, with Tinker on a shoulder, and dreams in her pockets....

Good one! If I had written this, I would have used the cute name 'Ella' much more...so many words ryhme and alliterate with that name!

First, second, or third...remember...a win is a win!