I'm feeling down, does anyone know any good jokes?

Question

i'm feeling a bit down so if you know a good joke lets hear it

Answer 1

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Answer 2

There where 5 people flying in a plane (including the pilot)

The planes engine had broken nd there was only one parachute, so without telling anyone the pilot took it and jumped of the plane.

The plane crashed and 2 of the passengers had died.

The surviving two, were so happy they had lived...

But then suddenly a man jumped out of the bushes with a gun and said " Your on my island im going to kill you both" so the two men at gun point said "please dont kill us we'll do anything"

So the man holding the gun says,

" Okay, I want you to both go into those woods and pic 100 of the same fruit, and then come back here"

They did.

An hour later, one of the two men came out the forest with 100 berries.

"okay ive done what you asked, what now?"

So the man with the Gun says...

" okay i want you to stick all of those berries up your bum without laughing"

The man with the berries started putting the berries up his bum,

He got all the way to 99 and then he started laughin

"why did you laugh you got all the way to 99?!?"

The man still laughing replied...

"Because my friend has pinnapples!"

Answer 3

Little Johnny and Politics

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m capitalism because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn’t do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is s******g the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of sh*t."

Answer 4

What gets wetter the more you dry with it?

A towel

What gets bigger the more you take away from it?

A hole.

Answer 5

A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.

A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.  

Answer 6

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."

Answer 7

whats the difference between a French man and a piece of toast?....................you can make soldiers out of toast..hope this helps

Answer 8

What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

Answer 9

This young man comes home from Ranger school, and tells his dad about what they had him do.

"they tried to make me jump out of an air plane !! but i looked out the door and knew there was no way i would do it!!"

"then my drill sargeant came up to me and said if i didn't jump, he was gonna stick his baton up my hind end!!!"

his dad asked him, "did you jump?"

"A little at first!!"

and my other joke is:

What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?

CHOKED!!

Answer 10

Did you hear about the woman with no legs who won the annual strawberry picking contest?

Jammy C*nt?

Answer 11

try killsometime.com and watch the funny video-clips