I'm feeling like a horrible mother....?

Question

I have a 3 1/2 year old son and a 1 year old baby girl that I love more than life itself. I try very hard to be a good parent and will die trying. My son has been throwing some major tantrums here lately, mainly after playing with his cousing who is 1 year older. The fits are so bad, and we do time outs for these. The time out consists of putting a chair in the corner and making him sit out for a period of time. Of course, it takes us over 15 minutes to even get him to the chair. Even after, he throws kicking screaming fits. So as he gets bigger, he is getting stronger. Today was the biggest one yet. He has started physically hitting and kicking me while I am trying to get him to his chair. He weighs over 40 pounds and is throwing himself down to the ground so that I have to lift him. Today while doing this, I had him by his arm trying to pick him up to his feet and all the while he is kicking me and screaming. Of course I had a grip on him, but he is twisting away from me.

Answer 1

I have a 3 1/2 year old--and this is a trying stage of development, that's for sure!

We do time-outs... we send him to his room for 3 minutes or when he is ready to behave.

If he is throwing a particular toy, or not playing with it correctly, we take it away.  

Sorry you have a "hitter"...  I am lucky in that aspect.  I would say if he is hitting, he should get something he loves taken away (like my son would lose his after-nap glass of chocolate milk).  

Good luck!  I think we all feel like horrible mothers, if we are honest with ourselves!

Answer 2

I have had the same thing happen to me. The marks go away. You are not a bad mother!!! Keep repeating that!!!!!!!!!!! You are a wonderful mother!!!!!!! Repeat, Repeat, Repeat

Answer 3

Girl, I completely and udderly feel your pain, my children are almost the same age, my daughter is 3years old and my son is 18months, then I babysit another little girl who is 4. And my daughter has been testing and testing me latley as well. What I do for time out is the corner. I tried the chair and it didnt work, one she wouldnt stay in it and 2 her lil brother kept trying to climb in it. SO I just started putting her in the corner. its in the same spot in the house, and she cant see the T.V. when she's in it which I think is good because she can get distracted easily. I make her face the spot where the 2 walls meet. And while she is supposed to stand there, sometimes she flops herself to the ground, but most of the time she stays there, if she tries to get out I just put her back. I dont yell or fight or anything I just put her back sitting or standing. And after awhile and she's not screaming I tell her "I love you but your not getting out untill you are standing in the corner quiet and like a good girl" and she usally does. I leave her that way for 1 minute and then I hug her and ask her what she did to go in the corner, and she answers and then I say is that good or bad? and she answers. and if she doesnt know I tell her, and make her repeat, so she understands why she was put there. It is getting easier in my opinion. All I say is stop doing   _____  or your going in the corner and she usally stops. If not thats where she goes. I think you should minimize your battles and get rid of the chair all together. pick a place, and thats where he goes when he's being bad, sitting standing or whatever, but he's not getting out until he does what he is supposed to. I hope I have helped and I feel you. good luck

Answer 4

Honey, dont beat yourself up so , ok?

You have some wonderful answers already and I shant repeat them...

You know SuperNanny has a website that may have some addtional information you could assimilate.

Marks on kids? Oh, my, I left many...most accidentally as you did.

BUT once, I had a defiant 15 year old girl ( she still is defiant and somewhat of a problem, even at 44 LOL)

She had run off, lied about it, been with a boy we had forbidden her to see.

I sent her to her room while we were deciding on her punishment.

She came running downstairs, said she had called DHS to come "rescue " her from the abuse  but they told her unless she had bruises they were powerless to help her.

So I got out the spank stick ( a paint stirrer stick) and gave her 15 whacks...( one for each year of age) and made sure there were some red marks ( cant do much in way of bruises with a paint stirrer...is more a reminder than a weapon)

She did not call DHS back and I never knew why not LOL

Bottom line is, you care, you are trying to be a good parent, you are seeking help for your problems.

Sounds to me like you are doing pretty good mothering job there.

Answer 5

It's just a little friction burn, but you need to make some changes so he's not fighting you like that.

Remember that tantrums are for attention, and fighting him to stay in his chair is just giving him more attention ... leading to more tantrums and more fighting.

Try sending him to his room (or a guest bedroom, if the toys in his room will be a problem) instead. Don't argue with him, just take him in there and close the door. (You can put a towel over the top so he can't open it. This is NOT abuse. The point is just to keep him there until he's calm, then open the door, thank him for pulling it together, and give him a big hug.)

And he's old enough to understand if you say something like, "I can't let you hurt me or anyone else. If you can't control yourself, I'm going to help you by sending you to your room until you can behave safely."

Answer 6

I wanted to make a clarification.

A child should be prevent them from hurting or others. If it is possible to remove all the children (sister, cousin) and prevent them from being hurt during a trantum. If that is not possible than you can prevent them from being hurt, and yourself by doing what was explained in my response.

Walk away from your son, until he is down kicking a screaming. Once he learns that this does not get him attention he'll do better.

As far as stories. When I was in high school, I was baby-sitting 2 school age children during break. Their mother had not time to herself for a very long time and took advantage of my services.

I was suppose to work until 5 PM. after my scheduled time off, I had made plans to go out.

The mother choice to go out and drink after work.

This stressed me out, as I had plans. One of the kids started jumping on the bed. And I grabbed her wrist to get her attention. I ended up, in my emotional state grabbing harder than thought.. The little girl, looked me in the eyes, and said "You're hurting me."

I let go, I said I was sorry many times.  I still thinking about that to this day. I did mean to hurt that child. - I didn't leave a mark. But, still I knew I hurt a child.

Answer 7

How's his diet?  I know it seems like a ridiculous question but...how is his diet?  If you give him sugary cereal for breakfast, I would change cereals.  If you give him fruit drinks, I would switch to water.  

Do you have him on a schedule?  Children need routines to reduce anxieties.  

As for your parenting, I would have spanked him!  I would not leave "marks", I would just give him a firm butt swat and then place him in time out.

Best wishes.

Answer 8

I don't know how you feel about spanking but I am for it (within reason and not taking it the extreme.) I would use it in this situation. You need to get a handle on this situation before he goes even more overboard than he already has.

Answer 9

Next time put him in HER crib and shut the door. Time out isnt working for either one of you. If he climbs out of the crib lower it and leave the side DOWN. He just has to stay SAFELY in the room until he is quiet. He has to know his behavior is unacceptable and he will not be allowed to be around you(or his cousin lol) as long as he is behaving a certian way. Do not feel sorry for him. Keep the door shut until he is quiet for the count of 30...he needs to  trained to be quiet and obey the rules of YOUR home.( Who's home?? YOUR HOME) As for the bruises next time...Use a chest lift. Hold him around the chest lock your wrists with your hands  and rock to your back  then thrust both of your bodies forward. Be careful .Hold him on the ground his chest first. he cannot get out of that. that wasn't safe for either one of you. he is a HUGE kid. DO NOT WAIT until he is esculated. put him in the room as soon as he says "NO" or ignores you ...as soon as it comes out of his mouth he knows he is wrong. at 3.5 he is just pushing your buttons

Answer 10

Tantrums are hard.  The thing about them is that kids do them to get attention.  What I have found that works is if I put my son in his room and tell him that he can have a tantrum if he wants to, but it has to be in his room with is door closed.  I put him in there and shut the door.  He will soon stop if nobody is affected by it.  I told my son if he throws anything in his room I will take it away and he won't get it back right away.  Don't try to fight him.. It is not worth it and dangerous to you.  You can keep any toys in a bin in the basement and give them back to him one by one if he can deal with a situation without throwing a tantrum.  Once when it got really bad and he wouldn't stop I told him I was setting a timer and howerver long it took him to settle down I was taking off his bedtime. Good Luck!!

Answer 11

you are not a bad mother, but I know the guilt you feel.  my daughter threw some terrible tantrums when she was about that age.  he needs something more serious than a time out.  either reward his good behavior or punish more strictly his bad behavior.  I don't mean spanking.  if there's something he really likes to do or a favorite toy, take it away.  his father really needs to support you and help with the discipline.  don't let him play with his cousin if that's what starts it all.  does one specific thing start the behavior?  does he eat or drink something right before he starts?  see if you can figure out a specific trigger for the behavior.  if nothing seems to help, you might need to have him evaluated by your pediatrician.

Answer 12

You need to tell ur 3 1/2 year old that if he's gonna act like that he can jus go to his room.

....a chair never worked for me either. I just told 'em that he had to go to his room until he cud get his act 2gether. The main thing is you have be able to tune 'em out completely. This is what I do to my 17 month old. My husband always gives in though...so now my 17 month old knows who he can get over on.

I had just came home the other day from the store. I took 'em outta the van, put 'em down and was bringing my groceries in ....well he went limp in slow motion down to the grown because he wanted me to pick 'em up. I walked over 'em and proceed to bring in the groceries. He got up. Guess who pulls up after me? Yep his dad.

.....another tantrum limp again. I kept on going and didn't look back.

Answer 13

You should not feel like a horrible mother! You were not trying to put marks on him, you were trying to restrain him. I don't know your opinion on spanking, but if my son was kicking and hitting me, he would have gotten spanked. I don't believe in abuse, I hate people who beat the c**p out of their kids with belts and things. But a little swat on the tush with your hand may send the message. Like I said your not a bad mother things happen and you shouldn't feel so bad you didn't try to put marks on him. I'm sure he's fine.

Answer 14

Calm down.

time out in his room.... not in a naughty chair. He is being a little jerk( even tho you love him very much!) He needs to go to his room for violence in YOUR home. Its not like he pulled a knife on you...but I have had kids in my care that have lol and the youngest was 4. Don't wait until the child has escalated. Take care of his tantrum. NOW !!!!!!!!! before it gets out of hand !!

Answer 15

You're definitely not a horrible mother, you sound perfectly normal to me. You are trying to set boundaries and show him that there are consequences if he disobeys. It could have something to do with the older cousin, if that is how he behaves when they are together, but otherwise, I think it is normal that they fight being told they are wrong.

It may just be his way of getting your attention away from the baby. I've had 3 girls in 5 years and most of their tantrums (the older two) are more related to attention than anything else.

Good luck!

Answer 16

You sound like a wonderful, loving mother, but it sounds like your time outs are not working if the situation is getting worse.  I would suggest that you investigate parenting classes to see if there is something you need to change.  Perhaps consistency is a problem (you say your husband gives in).  Perhaps you both need to make a united front?  Whatever the issue, I would seek additional help.  

Alternatively, you might wish to start with one of Dr. Terry Brazelton's books or other parenting books.

Do you think your son could benefit from counselling?  Sometimes even 3 1/2 year olds can become depressed.  I wouldn't be surprised if the introduction of the 1 year old baby into his life caused major trauma for him.

Unfortunately, in today's society, putting marks on your children, even under the innocent circumstances you describe, can get you into a lot of trouble.  I know you don't want to do it, so seek help to  avoid causing your self further guilt and problems, and to learn to help your son in a more appropriate manner.

Answer 17

You know your son better then us...I don't think you are being a bad parent at all....parents these days let their kids get away with everything and they wonder why the world in turning to a bunch of winers. I say keep it up, you know it is working when he doesn't want to go there....I would give him a warning first about going to the chair and then if he does it again take him there no matter the struggle.  Grip him around his waist and put it next to your hip, and hold on (his feet out) that way you have better control, and don't have to grip him.....try not to lose your control kids pick up on that.

Answer 18

LOL, the fact that most answers aren't even addressing the marks at all should tell you volumes. You did absolutely nothing wrong, the marks are a result of his lashing around while you tried to hold him/pick him  up. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. If you start panicking at this kind of stuff, you're going to let him get away with more, and he's going to turn into a little manipulative monster. You are way overreacting mama, breathe and tell yourself it's okay.

Answer 19

no dont feel bad you were just trying to control him and he is deffinitly old enough .. the only reason why he was hurt was by fighting you which he did himself, don't feel bad...  3 and a half is young, but i work with 3 year olds and they are old enough to know better

Answer 20

You might want to attend a parenting class in your area, but if he was my child, I'd spank him,lol. It's better to get control of him now than when he is bigger.