I'm getting frustrated with my dad and don't know what to do! Any advice?

Question

I was diagnosed with AML (leukemia) in October of 2007. My dad has had heart problems my whole life. When I first came home after my transplant, my dad would make comments like, "Now you know how I feel!" or "I have a hard time getting up the stairs too." Stuff like that.

Now I'm getting better, slowly, but you can see my progress. I think he's jealous that I'm getting better and he isn't. That I CAN get better and he can't. I don't mean to say he'd rather it be opposite or anything. I know he's glad I'm getting better, but I still think he's got problems with it. It's to a point now that he doesn't believe me when I say I'm having a problem with something, or when I say I over-did it.

I'm very tired of the negative comments, to the point I'm fighting the urge to snap at him. And I don't like being around him. He makes me feel guilty for getting better, to a bad degree. I've recently gotten a severe sore throat, not enough to be hospitalized, but enough that it's been taken into consideration. I'm on two meds, and I find myself considering not taking them so I don't get better either.

I have no intention of stopping my meds. I do want to get better, I just want to know how to not be frustrated with my dad without insulting him, or making him mad at me.

I welcome any and all suggestions. Thanks so much!

Answer 1

Oh man that is rough.  I am happy for you that you are feeling better.  I have not been in your shoes.  but I have a dad just like that.  Honey I can tell you I am 31 and he still does it.  I choose to ignore him.  In your case take your meds.  Get better.  If you were my daughter I would want you to be Happy and Healthy.  Dads like that can suck you dry of guilt and anger.  I am not sure of the answer there.  Other than get yourself Healthy.  Find happiness and wish your dad the best.  If he is like my dad he might get pissed off if you try and broach the subject.  I can tell you it gets better as you get older because you can move.

  Be good to yourself and get better.  I send you the Best health and Happiness Wishes!

Answer 2

You are extremely sensitive to have figured out what might be going on in your dad's mind.  The fact that his comments bother you is what needs the focus here.  Perhaps he doesn't mean them the way they sound, or perhaps he is not aware of how they upset you.  It's probably time to have a calm, open discussion with him and share with him your feelings.  You cannot control the way others behave, but if they care about you (and he does), and they recognize that they are doing something which affects you in a bad way, they usually control their own behavior, which is what you want.

Answer 3

You are right, that while your Dad is glad to see you getting better, he resents that he cannot.  Do not ever let the reactions of other people, even those close to you, make you choosing things that are good for you or make you try to harm yourself in order for them to feel better.  Your father is behaving like a selfish child.  This is the adult version of a two year old temper tantrum.  He refuses to show happiness for you.  He shows no empathy when you have a setback or are feeling sick.  He is acting self-centered and selfish.

The mind/body connection is very strong.  Being around negative people who feel negative and say negative things does affect your progress in getting better.  I think you need to state this clearly and calmly to you Dad, making it clear that you will have to minimize your contact with him if his attitude does not improve.  

His life challenge is to accept his condition and still be capable of feeling happiness and empathy for others.  He needs to become more selfless.  Your life challenge is to show patience and empathy for difficult people around you.  I think you have gotten used to Dad being sick,.  It is nothing new, so you have just take it for granted he will always be sick.  With your own problems, you probably have neglected giving him some attention and love.  Although it will be difficult, be an example for your Dad.  Show him the sympathy and attention you wish he would give you  Give him the attention he should give you.  Perhaps he is not too old to learn from your example.

Answer 4

I'm glad you're getting better! No mater what, keep trying to get better. You're going to have to ignore your dad, because he's your dad and he's supposed to be there for you! Maybe you two need to talk. I don't know, sorry I wasn't much help.

Answer 5

Send him a copy of your question.I do not think he realizes how he is making you feel hon.This will help him to realize it.

Answer 6

Have a very serious talk with him about those comments he's been making. See if he'll agree to your both going to family counseling together. A professional could help you both -- help him to work past his resentment, and you learn how to cope with him better.