I'm having a kinda hard time??

Question

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 23 months. I'm tired of trying and tired of going to the doctors to get poked pricked and stared at. I just dont care anymore. So my next option is just adoption. I would love to adopt a baby. Any baby really because it doesnt matter to me as long as there healthy. My husband on the other hand. Doesnt understand why i want to adopt he says if we cant have kids together then ill just get my boob job and we wont have any children together. Its not going to fill my void tho. I want kids but if i cant have my own i want to adopt. He says its because my daughters not his and he feels like hes already adopted one and shouldnt have to adopt any others. I just dont think its fair. How do i pursuade him otherwise? I'm just not going to be happy otherswise. I've started babysitting a few kids a week buts its not the same as having yours to call your own. You know?

Answer 1

Until you are both on the same page regarding how to expand your family, enjoy each other and the time you have together. If you can't put each other first before you have more kids, then having more kids will not make things better. The "emptiness" you feel is really grief that your daughter is growing older and that your husband is not with you in your quest to adopt. Your inner mother yearns to care for a baby again, but the reality of your situation leaves that desire unsatisfied. You have to turn that desire toward your daughter and husband or it will consume you until you can enjoy little of what you have already been blessed with.

Answer 2

my friend went through this, have you tried invetro or investigated a surrogate? if he is insisting then try to exhaust all options. it wont help any relationship going through all this stress. these may not be an option for you, but doing some homework may not hurt.

by the way, my friend tried for 14 years to have a baby, invetro 3 times, number 4 was a charm. she and her husband have a beautiful, healthy son.

it can happen, she is living proof.

do some homework on adoption too, you want to be prepared for whatever decision you come to.

good luck

Answer 3

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. Unfortunetly, if you husband is not ready or interested in adopting then trying to talk him into it is not a good idea. A child, especially one who has already experienced separation and loss really needs BOTH parents to want and love them.

Keep in mind that many adoptive fathers say that they were not comfortable with the idea of adopting at first, but after time, and after meeting other adoptive families slowly they changed their minds and became excited about the prospect of adopting, THEN the couple started the adoption process.

Hopefully this will eventually be the case for your husband, but until then you really shouldn't try to convince him to do something so important if his heart isn't in it. I know how hard it is to wait for a child. I'm praying that things will work out for your family.

Answer 4

well i just want to point out one possible explanation for how he feels. he may feel like he is a failure if he cant get you pregnant and if you adopt every one will know because you already have a biological child. but i may be way off mark. try explaining to him that you feel like there is a hole in your heart and only a baby will fill it. that might help him to understand why it isn't as easy as ,well it didn't happen o well. allot of time men feel like that. also men are raised to be the providers and maybe he feels like financially you are better off. my hubby wants to have a big family but always says that we should only have 2 even though we wouldn't struggle if we had more. try really explaining to him how you will feel if you don't get to be mommy to another baby. good luck

i just wanted to say that i have one child and recently had a miscarriage we are still waiting to be able to start trying again so i know there is a good chance there will be more babies in my future. i know its not the same but i do understand the feeling of emptiness at the thought of only ever having one child. not that my son isn't amazing and well just the best but i have always wanted more than one child and really feel a sense of emptiness and of just not being done yet. i have so much more love to give and it really seems that you do to!

Answer 5

I think the first step for you is to sit down with your husband and let him know exactly how you feel. AND, also listen to your husband's feelings about adoption. You really can't afford to adopt and ruin a good relationship with your husband. I know it's unfair, but marriage is all about compromise. You have at least one child and he seems to be a good dad to her. Try to find out why he doesn't want to adopt... if it's about money and it's a legitimate concern, unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. If it's about worry that he won't be able to love an adopted child (lot of men think that), you can explain (time and again) that a lot of men go through that anxiety, but eventually come to love the child once she/he comes home. It might be that he just doesn't want another child... again, go slowly, give him examples of others who have adopted and have a wonderful relationship etc. But be ready to think hard about what is more important - your current family or adoption.

Answer 6

First off doll,

I wouldn't watch other peoples kids for a new JAG.

My Hubby was the same way.  We hashed this all out years ago.  His real fear was that we would adopt some child,,, then the crack Mom or whatever her "problem" was would be "rehabilitated" and we would have spent 4-6 years loving and caring for a child that the court would give back to a prospective  backslider.

My hubby said in no uncertain terms that he could not do it.  Those were the only babies we might get and that he'd have to commit murder if the court ever gave them back to the unfit  woman that gave them up in the first place.

He just flat couldn't invest his heart when he saw the courts over and over give these poor babies back to proven unfit parents.  

That was that,  in his book, and I had to agree with him, the only child nowadays that stays in an adopted family forever is when their parents are serving life, or the parents are dead and there is no family available or interested in taking care of the kids.  

If there is 1 family member left, they will take those kids in & then  file for ssi and live like a Jerry Springer family, while those kids don't see bubkiss.

Get a breeding pair of sweet dogs - male & female dachshunds,  and you can have your own family.  

I do know how empty you feel.. My cousin Marcia was married to her hubby for 13 years, they finally said, aw, scre~~ it, we are sterile, and 3 years later they had 2 kids.   Just keep keepin on... :0)

Chip

Answer 7

I feel sorry for you becasue I know its tough. I can uderstand how your husband feels though too. I know he has your daughter whom he loves very much but I understand the need to produce your own child.

Why dont you go to a Doctor to seek medical help? YOu have conceived before with your daughter, your husband might need a little help/assistance. It may be nothing and that you havent given it long enough but you could take the next step?

Try talking to your husband about adoption, I know he loves your daughter but I understand how he must feel, you "made" your daughter and he wasnt involved in that. Its different with adoption as none of your produced the child but you would both be doing it together and its something special between the 2 of you.

I wish you luck in what you decide!

Answer 8

who should totally adopt! u can persuade him by telling him your not only helping yourselves but your also helping another child u needs a family!  tell him u really want 2 have kids it shouldn't matter if you adopt children or not. what really matters is that  you'll have children to love and care for. right?anyway if all he wants to love is a boob job then is he really the one? i dont know.....but you should go for adoption. have you told him what your really feeling right now?

Answer 9

I agree that no matter how you bring a child into your life, that both parents need to be on board 100%.  You can fill the void in your life other ways.  Focusing fully on the child you have right now is the best way to start feeling fulfilled.  Forget about conceiving right now, not because you'll get pregnant (see below), but because you have a life that's passing you by while you are trying to reach that goal.

As someone that struggled with infertility, I can tell you I know how frustrated you must be at all of the "just relax and it will happen" advice.  Most infertility issues are caused by medical conditions that aren't treatable by relaxing.  People would give me that advice and I would cringe because they knew nothing of my situation.  It wasn't as if a vacation and massage were going to make my body spontaneously come out of menopause.  My ovaries couldn't have cared less that we were on vacation - they just weren't going to make an egg and that was all there was to it.

I wish you the best and I hope you find complete happiness in your life soon.

Answer 10

To bring a child into a family where the father does not consider the child "one of his own" would be wrong!  It is not fair for a child to not be 110% unconditionally accepted and cherished.

So.....either adoption/parenting is out, or he can have a genuine change of heart with time.  It does happen sometimes.  How about fostering?  That will allow your mothering to be fulfilled, and will allow him to see what it is like to care for and love a child who did not come from him.

But I suspect he already knows that, is somewhat hung up on no having been the sperm doner for your child, and then uncomfortable with fathering another child who he did not biologically "make".  It is part of some men's ego --tied to their sexuality.

So, you cannot push this issue.  You have to accept that you married a man who does not share your values in a very important matter.  You might try family counseling to explore these issues and feelings.  It might help to let each of you verbalize how you feel about the infertility, etc.

But please, do not try to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Take your mothering feelings, and foster, or become a very much needed Big Sister/Big Brother for a child who needs companionship and guidance and love!

Good luck!

Answer 11

Maybe it's not a baby that you need to fill your void!?  Maybe you are missing something else in your life.  try counseling, that might bring out what is missing!?

Good Luck

Momma P

Answer 12

you should do what you want to and your husband doesn't seem to be really good family if he can't even feel like your daughter is his, thats really sad. my parents are divorced but it never stopped my mom boyfriend from treating us like his own kids. so i would adopt anyway

you can email me at [e-mail]

Answer 13

I have been trying to concieve for over 6 years.  Sometimes relaxing and not trying so hard helps.  Sometimes it doesn't.  If you are interested in invetro, you can always try one of the places that has a flat rate and a "money back" deal.  This way, you get so many cycles and in the end, if you don't have a baby, you get your money back.  This helps with the problem of not having the money to try invetro and then adopt if it doesn't work.  

My husband and I have decided to go the adoption route without trying the invetro because I can't handle all the poking and proding any more either.  It took several years to convince my husband.  We are now foster parents and he loves it.  We can't wait to adopt some of our foster children!  It is important for you both to be on the same page with this.  Give your husband time, and if possible, talk to another couple who has gone through this and then decided to adopt.  That may help.

Answer 14

quit trying so hard my husband and i tried forever to get pregnant with our daughter and then we decide that we wanted to wait a year and i was pregnant within the month DON'T TRY SO HARD

Answer 15

Its hard when your mate does not share your quest. My husband didn't either. He really didn't even want to discuss adoption when we first started trying to have a child. I guess he really didn't think we couldn't have one of our own. After 6 years of trying, we finally started doing some adoption stuff together, I had been doing it on my own for a while, (the research and stuff) Then when we finally reached the point in our infertility that we had to look at egg donation. I told him, I was just done. I have been  poke, prodded and seen naked by half the men in the city that wear a white coat. Its time to stop throwing money after bad. Within a year, we had our son and we never looked back. You have to make it clear that it something you want and you two have to reach a compromise.

Answer 16

Don't give up.  Been there myself honestly.  My husband and I tried for a few years, no need to explain all the different thing you need to monitor, ect.  It can cause so much stress on your relationship as well as the personal emotions a woman can go through when TTC with no success.  I honestly believe, especially given the fact that you have had a pregnancy and birth of a child already makes you that more likely to get pregnant again.  Jus tthe stress alone will interfere in concieving.  Relax,  spend some quality time with your husband, drink a glass of wine, if you prefer to do so that is, and let nature take it's course.  I did just that, actually gave up trying so hard, and had a suprise pregnancy with my Dear son now 4 yrs next month, and have since had my second Dear son now 19 months, and trying to concieve again , which hasn't happened the past few months.  Medically speaking , they say to wait on average a couple takes 2 years to concieve.  Just something to give a thought.  Give your hubby some time, talk about it, explain to him just how much it means to you.  Honestly, men handle their emotions far different than us women.  Stop and think he just might feel as though he has in some way let you down from lack of conception, he might be feeling guilty inside and just not showing it, maybe deep down inside he wants a baby of his own too.  Just give it all some time.  I hope I helped a bit, and Best wishes to you both.

Answer 17

I can empathise with you. Before we adopted our son, I was obssessed with the idea. I had to adopt or else! Luckily for me,I was able to convince my husband, but it took 2 years. Just as strongly as women feel about adoption- we probably have a need to rescue someone- men feel about having their genes passed on. Its my guess is that its some primal knee-jerk survival instinct.

But dont push it, its not really something either of you can rationalise about. Keep bringing it up form time to time, but gently. Who knows, it may happen someday.

Answer 18

It took us 5 years to conceive our first.  Both of you need to relax and stop thinking about it for a while.  Once you do this then take a vacation without your daughter and spend some quality time with each other.  We did this and came back with a surprise.  Because you've been trying so hard you have allowed the stress to build up.  This definately has the opposite affect than what you want.

Answer 19

Ok slow down and take a few breaths.I know you are frustrated.I am going through pretty close to the same thing.

About a year and a half ago I had a son that passed away.I was scared to try again.It is different adopting because you never got to feel the child kick for the very first time.When you are pregnant it is truly a gift from God.There is excitement,  joy, and love.And at first your in disbelief because your body looks the same and you can't feel the baby kick.When you do feel the baby kick it takes your breath away.The bond is Strong that it makes you want to cry with joy.The emotions that you feel are incredible.The emotions to tell you the truth can't be put into words.Another thing is if the you adopt, when the child turns 18 What is to say that the mother that gave birth to the child approaches them and tells them who they are.Then if you and you husband didn't tell the child the child will be upset and confused.There is a lot to say on this issue so I hope you like to read.What is to say when the parents end up coming back for the child or the parent changes there mind at the last minute and doesn't want to give them up.Then you and your husband would hurt .In this case I know it is hard to have but Patience.I know it feels like it won't happen but when it does happen both of you will be over joyed.You may want to talk to another doctor and get a second opinion.Ask questions like is there anything that you can take to become more fertile.I hope this has all helped.If you ever want to talk about stuff you can contact me at [e-mail]

Answer 20

First of all quit trying so hard. If its going to happen it will happen when you least expect it. Trust me I tried for 5 years and when I quit I suddenly got pregnant. Now you say you feel empty. That is not normal to feel so empty with a good husband and a child of your own already. You might want to see about getting some counseling to make sure that the real reason you feel so empty is your desire for another child. I think once you have had that and you are sure that adoption is what you want then you need to make sure he understands that and then go for it.